"HADES'S GYM SHORTS!"
Sadie's outcry resonated through the Underworld, making a difference with the gloomy silence associated with the dead. Thanks to my ADHD, I wasn't blasted to ashes, but I wished Hades was. Trying to kill demigods everyday, those gods...yep, my life is awesome.
"My son," I heard my father say. I didn't notice Hades had transported here. I growled and stepped a little closer to Kronos.
"Father," Hades scowled up at my dad's towering figure. Although I was tiny in comparison to the God of the Underworld, who had risen to his full godly form, Kronos dwarfed Hades by another ten feet. It was strange how Hades was calling my dad his dad. In Greece, they have weird relationships and families.
Will, who had stayed silent, shuffled a little smidge over to me; his eyes wide with fear at the angry God and the calm Titan.
"Long time no see, Hades." Kronos laughed, absentmindedly smoking a piece of ground inches away from his son.
Black lightning hitting the ground where Kronos just stood, Hades growled and looked over at Kronos, who had teleported over a few feet away. Turning to my trio, he snarled and glared at us. We all gulped, seeing as he controlled the dead, and we probably would have been in Tartarus right now if not for a Titan standing beside us. He put on a bowl-no, wait, that wasn't a bowl, that was a helm. The Helm of Darkness, to be exact.
He sent us another death glare, except this one, with the helm, was a lot more terrifying. We were practically shaking right down to our toes. Kronos so far was a great dad...he was preventing an angry god for killing us and sending us to the Fields of Punishment, or, even worse, Tartarus, when we had just gotten out. I didn't want to fall in again.
"Hades, I will make a bargain. You let my daughter go, I will not bother you-well, for a couple of milennia, anyway."
"Fine," Hades grumbled, then added, "But if I catch you doing whatever you want in the mortal world and causing havoc, Zeus, Poseidon, me, and all the gods will come after you. Now be off; there's no need for my eyes to suffer the sight of you."
Hurriedly, Kronos, Sadie, Will, and I scurried away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
That was a short but sweet chapter and I could only find two nitpicks in it!
I don't think the comma after dead is needed.
He was preventing an angry god from killing us...
There you go!
Grrr this didn't count as a review. :/
Hey wisegirl! Writer here for a review. SO, I haven't read the other chapters, but I'll make sure to it when I have the time. I just saw this in the green room, and from Oct. 11! Well I'm here to change that ^^
Let's begin shall we?
Sorry to pull a chunk out, but I want to talk about opening up chapters. Now, I know I haven't read other chapters, but I think you should be a little more careful. I'll point out some things. I think you should be more descriptive, just a little bit. When you say "resonating" I'm like "awesome!" But, when you say contrasting, I'm like "huh?" See, I don't think contrasting fits here.
"Sadie's outcry resonated through the Underworld. Its bellowing sound [or happy, gleeful, cheery, since it's "contrasting with gloomy" was different amid the gloomy silence that came from the dead." See, your original sentence was using too many big words. Like, that's great, but whoa! Slow it down, we can see you're smart ^^
Er, how does the characters ADHD save him/her from the sound? Just maybe some clarification. You could even include some more detail in there as to why. Assume I know nothing
Not too fond of this line. The two ideas seem to having nothing to do with the other. It makes it seem as if the narrator is trying to kill the demigods, and how is the sarcasm supposed to make sense here? Just be careful.
Uh, didn't the narrator just say "I wished Hades was" meaning Hades is in the same room as the narrator, and the narrator knew that? Little weird.
I want you to be cautious here. Now, I’ve read Percy Jackson all my life, and the author always respectively referred to the gods as “gods” with a lowercase “g.” So I feel you should do the same ^^ That’s how it’s always been, I think.
The word is spelled “millennia.” Also, this sentence was worded oddly. “If you let my daughter go, then I will not bother you—” he paused [insert description here]—“Well, not for a couple of millennia, anyway.”
Run on sentence (the first one). You can always split up sentences to add more emphasis on certain things. Just work on that.
Hmm, I feel like almost nothing happened in the chapter. Yes, partly because I haven’t read any others. But honestly, this was too short. It needed more development, characterization, details. Work on showing, not telling, also. There could be so much more added to this chapter. Talk about the Underworld a little bit, maybe was Kronos looked like. Just simple things ^^
Remember, what may seem obvious to won’t be to us, always, ASSUME WE KNOW NOTHING
I feel a little grumpy...no one seems to think my chapter is good or anything...they all say it's too short and it's too fast...whatevs. Thanks for the tips!
No, wise, don't feel grumpy ^^ It's a great chapter! Just needs a little more detail
Why do you keep using that pair of upward arrows? ^^ What does it mean?
It's like an emoji: it really is supposed to look like this ^_^
It's a happy face
Why can't you do it? I can. ^_^
I get lazy and just do ^^ It's a form of it too
I don't ever get lazy...except when I do.
I felt like this was way too short. It also seemed way too much alike as the actual series (assuming this is a fanfic). It felt way too fast, like it happened in only a couple of minutes. In a real book, this would probably be only one page. However, I didn't find that many grammar mistakes. Would the Titan, Kronos really scurry away from another god? I think you should put something like: Sadie, Will and I hurriedly scurried away from the death glares of the two gods (or something like that.)
those gods...yep, my life is awesome.
I don't feel like this ellipse was needed. I think you could have separated the two sentences with a semicolon or a entire other sentence.
He sent us another death glare, except this one, with the helm, was a lot more terrifying. We were practically shaking right down to our toes. Kronos so far was a great dad...he was preventing an angry god for killing us and sending us to the Fields of Punishment, or, even worse, Tartarus, when we had just gotten out. I didn't want to fall in again.
What do you mean "with the helm?" and instead of using the word "angry" perhaps you could use something like: savage, furious, rage
Turning to my trio, he snarled and glared at us. We all gulped, seeing as he controlled the dead, and we probably would have been in Tartarus right now[,] if not for a Titan standing beside us.
Thank you for reviewing!