"Well, that was..." Will began, but he couldn't finish his sentence.
"...nerve-wracking." Sadie replied, a little white from the terrifying experience.
"Yeah, about a million times worse, too." I added.
Kronos grinned. He didn't even seem fazed. "You have to learn how to control your nerves, Jasmine. Doing that won't help in a vicious, brutal, bloody battle. War means bravery. Audacity. You don't have those qualities yet." I growled at that comment. He should collaborate with Ares. Actually, on that thought, he shouldn't. I probably wouldn't be here right now, if he had.
I shakily walked forward a little. My thoughts were jumbled, and I couldn't clear my mind of what had just happened. I finally realized where we were: Central Park, where we had started before we had jumped into the Underworld, and more literally, Tartarus. My friends followed me with Kronos at the back. We had simply no idea where we were going, but I shook my head and turned sharply, causing Will and Sadie and even Kronos to slam into me. So much for a brave commander.
Once we finally untangled ourselves, I gave out orders. "So, we're going to borrow a vehicle-"
"Borrow?" Sadie interrupted anxiously.
"Yes, 'borrow'." I shouted, annoyed. Sadie shrank back.
"So, we're going to borrow a vehicle. After we get to where we're going, we will eat a little. Then, when we're done with resting, we will set out on...on...Sadie, the prophecy?"
"To the City of Angels you must go
to unlock Kronos, friend or foe
Titan and hero must unite
to destroy Chaos and take flight
If you don't, the world will end
it will destroy family and friends."
"That's so cheery," Will mumbled, still a bit nervous.
"WELL, then." I said loudly. "We'll go on a search for Chaos-or, his secret lair." That definitely sounds like fun, I thought moodily. I couldn't wait to search for Chaos-your basic family and friend scavenger hunt. My trio and Kronos started walking forward, keeping our eyes open for a nice vehicle we could use for our road trip. I finally spotted a van with enough space to cram us all in, with Kronos at the driver's wheel. I couldn't let Will have the satisfaction of driving again.
When we had driven for an hour, we stopped at Wendy's. Kronos snapped his fingers and came up with just the right amount of money to buy meals for all of us. After we had ordered, we munched on cheeseburgers and drank sweet tea with a side of ice cream while we discussed the quest. Then, we hit the road again. But not long after, we heard a bone-chilling voice that stopped us right when we were about to start the engine for our van.
"You don't have to look anymore."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey bestie wisegirl22!!! Writer88 is here to review your work on this fine (LOL I hope you get the joke) Review Day!
I really liked this work and I am a fan of your writing! Let's get started.
First of all, this section's tense was incorrect.
"He should've collaborated with Ares. Actually, on that thought, he shouldn't."
The word "should've" indicates past tense. The word "shouldn't" indicates present tense. The sentence after that indicates past tense, so I suggest changing "shouldn't" to "shouldn't have" to make it past tense as well.
Next, there was a little punctuation issue with these sentences. (Ignore the quotation marks around the sentences since they make it a little confusing.)
""Yes, "borrow"." I shouted, annoyed. Sadie shrank back."
I think you can exclude the quotation marks around borrowed altogether. If you really think it should be included, you should only put apostrophes around it. Also, the period after borrow should be a comma so the final sentence would be:
""Yes, 'borrow'," I shouted, annoyed. Sadie shrank back."
I also suggest you use a better word than shrank like cowered. It would create a better image in the reader's mind.
Another thing-the last two lines of the prophecy sounds less foreboding than the first part. It sounds more...childish I guess. Like "If you don't do this, this will happen."
"If you don't, the world will end
it will destroy family and friends.'"
Also, this passage has another punctuation error.
"When we had driven for an hour, we stopped at Wendy's. we saw. Kronos snapped his fingers and came up with just the right amount of money to buy meals for all of us."
I don't quite get where you were trying to go with the sentence "we saw." You might want to fix it if you didn't mean it that way, but that was interesting!
Then, this part was a little funny, but at the same time, it didn't make sense to me.
"After we had ordered, we munched on cheeseburgers, sweet tea, and ice cream while we discussed the quest."
Maybe it's just me, but I think munching on sweet tea and ice cream doesn't seem right.
And last, but not least, I think this paragraph goes by too fast.
"When we had driven for an hour, we stopped at Wendy's. we saw. Kronos snapped his fingers and came up with just the right amount of money to buy meals for all of us. After we had ordered, we munched on cheeseburgers, sweet tea, and ice cream while we discussed the quest. Then, we hit the road again. But not long after, we heard a bone-chilling voice that stopped us right when we were about to start the engine for our van."
The rest of your chapter is very detailed with everything the characters are saying while this one just is like a time lapse. It just speeds up and is very general. I liked the use of your word "bone-chilling" though!
Overall, it was a pretty good chapter! Keep writing wisegirl22!
Hey! I'm a bit behind on chapters but I know I've read a bit of this fanfiction. So I'll just review this...
This needs to be two sentences, it flows better that way. Put a full stop after Ares.
I love the prophecy! It sounds very much like something Rick would write.
Small typo: enough.
Great chapter! I could only find two errors. Keep writing, demigod.
Thank you for reviewing, jazzydracula! I love your end to your review...so inspiring.
You are so correct in some places...