Kam~ Rosalina Thornanne - 16
Unnammed~ Rekard Henson- 19
CHAPTER 1~
Rosa walked down the narrow path once again. She didn't remember going down the path before, but then again, she didn't remember anything about her past. All she knew was she was Rosa Thornanne.
Rek walked ahead of her, sword in hand, stealing brief glances back at her-- the mystery girl he'd met up with in the woods. The girl who didn't have any idea who she was.
Rosa caught Rek glancing back at her and looked down at the ground, blushing. She had a strange sense of trust for Rek. Maybe it was how he took her under his wing when he saw her, passed out on the oak leaves. He had a very muscular but slender body, a forest green tunic, brown canvas trousers, boots, and a black cloak. His silver sharp sword was on his hip, one hand on it in case someone attacked. He towered over her 5'6 height, leaving her feeling short.
Rosa looked up and looked at his strong, secure arms, and tried to remember who she was.
Rek glanced at her girly blush and grunted before turning and pushing through the brush, holding it back for her to walk through easily. It seemed like he was to be stuck with her whether he liked it or not.
"So you don't remember anything." Rek grunted as he hauled her up onto the boulder beside him.
"Nothing at all?"
Rosa looked into his blue eyes.
"All I know is that I am named Rosa Thornanne." She pulled a note from the bottom of her black flats and showed him the name on the note.
"It was in my hand when you found me."
"How do you know that's *your* name, and not the name of someone you're supposed to kill?"
The word made Rosa tremble. "I'm sure that I wasn't one to kill..."
"Yeah, of course not, sorry." Rek leapt down the other side of the boulder and caught her, rolling his eyes as she giggled and trembled. He set her down and continued on. He glanced at her, and then away when she turned red. He would never understand girls.
"So, uh, you said--get down!" He pushed her to the ground as an arrow whizzed over her. He pulled a blade from his boot and threw it, catching the archer in the middle of the chest.
Rosa got up slowly and looked around. She arose from the dirty ground and brushed herself off. Her dirty blonde hair was in a bunch of messy curls and she was still shaken from the attack. She quietly sat down on a log and watched as Rek went over to retrieve his blade.
Rek knelt by the man who was still partially alive. He glanced back at Rosa, but she seemed too shaken to notice. "Who are you?"
"Go to hell."
Rek twisted the blade, making the man groan loudly. "Who do you work for?"
The man sneered at him.
"I want a name, now. Why are you trying to kill her?"
The man panted, his life draining onto the ground. "Why do any of us kill? Money."
Rek wiped his blade on the man's trousers and walked back down to Rosa.
She didn't notice that Rek had come back until he pulled her up and kept walking. His eyes darted anywhere and everywhere. Rosa stayed near him, scared of another attack.
"I want you to be honest with me. Was that guy trying to kill me? And if so, why?"
Rek looked down at Rosa, so small, trembling. "No, I think he was aiming for me." He shrugged. "I've got lots of enemies."
Rosa looked up at him. "Why is that?"
"Because I do kill people." He cringed, regretting his words. "And I talk too much. I think you've got it figured out-- quiet."
She immediately turned red. This has become the worst part about her so far. She blushed all the time. "Well, you never asked me to say something."
"Hmm...” Rek squinted at a flicker of movement. "Stay here. Get low."
Rek started off, through the woods, and snuck up behind an archer hiding behind a large boulder. As he snuck up behind the man and hit him in the back of the head with a large branch, he heard Rosa scream. He scrambled over the boulder to see.
A man in all black and a black ski mask had one firm hand around her mouth and a blade to her neck. Her eyes were frightened, and she was trying to slip from the man's grip.
"Try anything and she dies!!" the man put the blade closer to her neck.
Rek lifted his hands in front of his chest. "Hey, man, it's cool...let's talk this out."
"You come any closer, and I'll kill her."
End of chapter
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Damn, thats all I can say, probably the best piece I've seen on this website
<333
Awesome start! there were few, if any grammatical errors, and your writing style was amazing. after reading the first few sentences, I found myself drawn in, and loved it immediately. but, I noticed a few problems. I would have liked if you explained it a bit more, and gave the characters depth. we really don't know ANYTHING about her, so when she gets into danger, i wouldn't think that most readers would care much. also, could you show us a little bit more on rex? his background, skills ect? other than that though, awesome book!
i will be following you for more.
Ahhhwww Thanks!
Okay, so you did manage to capture my attention. You give us information without revealing too much, I can appreciate that. However, it was too short. You didn't give us enough time to care about the character, and now she already has death looming above her. Why should the readers care? She's just a random character. She's also very vain and girly, in a stupid, bimbo-like way. Those do make for interesting side characters, but as a heroine? I doubt it. Of course, she may not be a vain bimbo, but we don't have enough information on her to think otherwise.
You lack description -- you describe Rek rather well, from a vain bimbo's point of view. Everything else... not so much.
I would have liked to see what Rek actually feels. Show us some of his emotions, otherwise it's bland. We can't really get into the situation because there are no emotions to relate to, understand?
You also use multiple exclamation marks. That is grammatically incorrect.
Plus, another thing. Your use of modern language ('hey man, it's cool') is so unbelievably laughable, in a medieval situation. You just shattered any delusions the readers might have about you as a writer who knows what she's doing. People don't wear ski masks and say hey man, it's cool, and wield swords.
Add more detail, work on your description and formal language.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Intersting.... I see, this is Rek....
Okay, I got a little confused, did he push her off the boulder? Or just was being playful? And, what did she feel when the arrow whizzed past her, was she scared another arrow would get her or Rek? Does she have feelings for Rek? And why only archers? Are they the few that fight with swords? Other than that, its wonderful, I want more, write us more!!!!
We def. have moooore xD
Awesome! I really like this genre but it's hard for me to find something like this, i really liked it and felt it was going really good right up there until the end. Now if i'm not mistaken this is kind of like swords, kingdoms, knights and stuff right, Medieval? If that's what you're going for then i like that, but right there at the end when you described the ambusher to be wearing a ski mask i felt that was really out of place for it's time period, same thing with "Hey, man, it's cool..." I also thought that was out of place. Another thing like ANADIR mentioned i would like to see a little more description for the main characters, such as facial features, hair and such. All in all, good job!
Thanks!
Awesome start! I would have liked it a bit more if you had described a bit more about both the main characters, and the bad dudes. also, it would be awesmome if you described the surroundings a bit more, and made some distinction between when they were talking. and one last thing, when you have them talk, in some spots, they don't flow too great, but other than that, great story! i would love to read the rest, and on top of that, you ended it with a cliffhanger! you evil person!
jk see you around-Andy
Thanks
<333