"Well...there's the city." Rek took a deep breath and sighed.
Rosa's eyes widened. "Woah..."
"Yep...I bet you're ready to be rid of me."
"I don't remember anything, so you're my mind. Stay."
Rek looked at her sidewardsly. "Right...come on."
Rosa followed after Rek, her eyes taking everything in.
Rek guided her through the city, and up the steps to the palace. They were met in the courtyard.
"Why are we here? Actually, how did we even get in here?"
"We've got a bit of a special pass, Milady."
Rosa looked confused, and she looked to Rek for an answer.
Rek rolled his eyes and looked to the king as he walked out on the deck. Rek kneeled.
Rosa stood awkwardly and looked at Rek kneeling.
"My king." Rek murmured.
"Rekard!!! Oh you brought my daughter back!! Rosalina!!"
The king came up and hugged Rosa, and she froze in his arms.
Rek stood, slowly, and backed away from the two-- edging away nonintrustively.
Rosa looked over to Rek for help, who was trying to escape.
The king looked up. "Oh, right, and your payment." He turned loose of Rosa and started toward Rek.
"Payment? Daughter? Rek." Rosa gave him a hard look and she tried to hide the hurt in her eyes.
Rek lifted a shoulder. "I'm hired to protect, lady. What did you expect? I believe the price was 1000 crowns."
Rosa ran out of the palace. Hot tears were on the verge of breaking. No. She wouldn't cry over him. She ran through the city as fast as she could go.
Rek's mouth gaped open as he watched her run off. "Um...okay...what is...all that about?"
The king yelled at Rekard, "Go!! Catch her!!"
"...I thought the bargain was I bring her here-- not babysit afterward."
"God, I said to go get her and you will!"
"Fine, fine. I'll give you another 1000 crowns if you bring her back." The king offered.
"Done." Rekard sprinted after her, quickly catching up to her, sweeping her off her feet, onto his shoulder. He walked back toward the palace.
She punched and kicked him. "Let me down!"
"Nope."
"Please! I don't belong there. I don't belong near you either! Get away from me! Let. Me. Down!"
"Sorry Princess, go rogue another day."
"Please! I'm begging you..." she kicked and punched some more.
"Unless you've got enough money in those skirts to out-bid your daddy...no."
“I will get it for you.I-I promise."
"Hah! The word of a woman."
"I don't break my promises. Ever."
"Oh, you remember that, do you? When you don't even remember who you are?"
"I'm new. And I will not break a promise. Okay? Just please, put me down."
"Okay." Rek set her down...right in front of the king. "There."
"Rosalina. Why'd you run from me?"
"Because I don't know you! And by the way, it’s Rosa, not Rosalina. Write it down on some royal toilet paper. I'm not a princess, nor am I your daughter!"
Rosa turned to leave. "Oh, and Rek, don't dare to follow me. I'll just keep leaving." And with that, Rosa left the palace.
Rek sighed deeply. "You want me to get her again?"
The king looked confused. "Only if you want to. She doesn't want to be here. Therefore, I will not make her stay." The king sighed.
"Here are your crowns. Thank you for your service." The king slowly sat down in his throne.
Rek nodded. "A pleasure."
He turned and started down the hallway. He saw the girl staring at him. She turned and ran off when she saw him. Sighing, he walked down the hall after her.
End of chapter
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Heyz
I have a few things, first, more description! Please! What does Rek look like? Is he tall, dark, blonde, redhead? What does the king look like? Is he adorned in jewels? What does the palace look like?
And, mental description, what are they thinking of? Is Rose secretly in love with Rek?
Hugs and Pegasus feathers,
pegasusgirl2
You see, The bad thing about only seeing parts is that you have to *wait* for some info. It comes later, Ma'dear. Okay? Have paitients. (I think that's how you spell it
)
Okay, now I've seen pieces like this, you know what they where? Dialogue practice sheets.
Because that's what this is, pure dialogue. I've seen some of your writing before and I know that you do it a LOT! In its own way, I guess it's a good thing, you get your dialogue practice, but in another way, when you're writing an actual book that you're posting, it is un-acceptable.
You are in a foreign (or Fantasy) world, your readers cannot be expected to know ANYTHING about your story world or about what your people look like. I mean, I don't know if Rek has black hair or pink! I don't know if the city is all towers and spires, or if it's just a run down muddy little town! I need little things.
Granted, your dialogue is exceptionally nice, but you're ignoring the rest of your story. Your description. You cannot, I MEAN CANNOT!, write a fantasy novel without description. It doesn't work. You can't really write anything without description! You need it, you have to have it . . . without it your story (though it can be interesting) is usually rather like an empty shell.
That doesn't work.
Okay, I'd go into more explicit detail about your story, but for now I'll do with a couple grammar mistakes and a pleading order to put in some details!
This here sentence has so little detail that it is grammatically incorrect, you HAVE TO HAVE DETAIL! You could just put in, 'by a blue haired waitress'! It would drastically improve it.
Okay, now, this is sad. Truly. I don't care if you've described the castle and city and sunset, and flies in the nearest mud-puddle using a quarter of a million words! They don't count if you don't use them in the right places.
After Rosa's exclamation she has to see something, something that you, the writer, will describe.
Okay, so this review may have been a bit harsh. But you needed it.
Don't let it get you down, contrary (Totally) to Rain's views, I think that your dialogue is exemplary.
Put in that description (Make sure your story 'feels' right here, and flows together, making sense), and keep up the dialogue = mega-awesome story.
You got an A on dialogue and a Z- on description.
Good work and not so good work!
Sorry if this was unnecessarily harsh, you don't have to re-write this whole chapter, just put in some details.
~Black~
No, you're right. People say we've got something here, and I want to make It the best It can be!
Okay.
Yeah. This is going to be a short review because honestly... there's nothing to review. Where's the details? Descriptions of the city? All you have is dialogue. Sure, there are a couple sentences, but *most* of it is dialogue.
No character development. Bad dialogue, meaning it's just very cliche. I suggest you rewrite this in a whole new way. Add stuff about your characters. What does Rek look like? What does Rosa look like? The king? The city? Is is big? Is it small? Is there a lot of people?
DETAILS!
*ahem* My dear, did you read the first two parts of Chapter 1? Because, hmmmm, HERE'S AN IDEA! Maaaaaaybe your questions will be answered! Not to be rude, but....seriously. I described everything in the first two parts.