September 7, 2014
9:28 pm
Dear John,
My mother tells me my first love will never leave me. I find truth in those words everyday. It's hard to be in the woods, which confuses my mother and father, for it used to be my favorite place. I can't breathe correctly there, which scares them even more than it confuses them.
When I think of your name, I get this pressure in my chest, like someone is trying to crush my heart. Even now, I have to remind myself to breathe. I distract myself with my writings and music, trying desperately to escape.
I cried for the first time in a while about you. In the middle of the night, while I was camping. If I closed my eyes I could pretend I was back in Chattanooga, texting you. My emotions took over as I thought, and I let them. After letting it out, I only slightly felt better in the morning.
I've left the woods. I'm here, in my bed, in my small room. I feel far away, like I'm not here.
Bring me back, please.
- D -
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Greetings, young writer! To the review, we go!
1. It's hard to be in the woods, which confuses my mother and father, for it used to be my favorite place.
This line, to me, is very confusing. It is an abrupt transition and completely irrelevant to everything else in the letter. Please, please, PLEASE make MUCH more clear. Thanks!
2. Ok, so I definitely agree with what SparkToFlame talked about. I REALLY, REALLY want to know about John, now, because I am super confused and have no idea if he's real and want to know if he's a jerk or not (if he's real).
Also, I agree with the adding meat part. Even teenagers don't exchange "I love you's" without some reason. Why does she love him so much? How did they get each other's numbers? Why did she move from Chattanooga?
Elaborate.
Otherwise, this chapter was hooking and interesting. Please keep writing and keep tagging me in updates!
Overall rating: 7.5/10
Keep writing!
+1
Okay. You have to connect the other letters with this. They met CAMPING. you know, in the woods? Also, CAMPING. Vacation. He lives in Georgia and she lives in Indiana.
I know, but the line was still a little random
Hi Sweetie. First off I'd like you to add me to your list that you send updates too when you update this. It's cute and I like it.
Okay but. There are some things we gotta work on if it's to remain cute and not get annoyingly cliche. First off. This kind of emotion is something that comes from inexperienced or immature teenagers. The forever and always', the i love yous, the quick emotion is something that comes from people who haven't been doing romance that long. Eventually you get to the point where you don't say I love you right away. Where you don't let yourself fall that quickly. They knew each other a week and they're suddenly in love with each other? That's far fetched. It gives your story a very immature voice, which is not something you want to have. If you ever re-write this, I want you to think about something. Love develops slowly and matures as the people in the relationship mature. Even people who fall head over heels instantly aren't really IN love. You fall in love for when you get to know someone on a deeply intellectual level. Which takes TIME. What I'd suggest you do is add some meat to this relationship. First off, we're only seeing it from the mysterious D's side. Why not add a layer and add his POV too? Show us what it's like on his end too. Cause currently, because we can't tell if he's telling the truth or not, I, at least, see a girl who's hooked on this guy who doesn't want to deal with an ldr, even if that's totally not the case. Make it 3D instead of 2D.
Add meat. Add meat, add meat, add meat. Show us why they trust each other so much and why they think they're in love so quickly. Show us exactly why she held on even when she didn't hear from him in weeks. That's a big thing to do for someone who I assume is on the younger side of teenagerness. That's a lot of trust. That was broken twice and D is STILL hung up on him. Teenagers are really fickle, so that's a big thing. Even teenagers who are convinced whole heartedly that they're completely in love.
Consider all this as you continue writing. It's absolutely adorable and I can't wait to see more.
Spark
Thanks for all your comments! The reason D is so in love is because she's on the younger side, around 14-15. This is her first love, and she doesn't want to let it go.
Hey, Lylas. I find complete truth in those words as well. A first love will always be there, in your heart....crushing it. Now that I know the truth about this story, it's a lot easier to read for me and it's more hard-hitting.
" It's hard to be in the woods, which confuses my mother and father, for it used to be my favorite place. This line is worded a little bit weird. I know what you're saying but I think it could be maneuvered a little better.
I know all too well what that pressure in your chest feels like. I've shared my story with you so I think that the pressure we both feel is very similar and unfortunately, we can't really get that pressure out no matter how old the wound is.
"My emotions took over as I thought, and I let them. After letting it out, I only slightly felt better in the morning." I would like to be able to feel the pain you're feeling here. Your thoughts, ect.
"Bring me back, please" was probably the best line of this letter. When you lose someone you love, they take you with them and you're not always the same person you were. It's so hard to be able to find yourself again after that. You lose everything.
Very good job! <3
I always put a line at the end of these letters so that it makes the reader think a little. Thanks for the comments!