Published January 9, 2013
Isn't it funny how a small scrape can hurt so badly?
How one little headache can make you sick?
How one crack in your heart can stop it forever?
Today I decided to face the logic that's right in front of my face. I'd suggest listening to my story, because it might as well be yours. If not now, then later…
Chapter 1: Running
I was running, whether it was to my death or my salvation I didn't know. I did know, however, that I was being chased.
This was always the part where a dark, mysterious boy grabbed me. I would scream and he would whisper, "Sh, they'll hear us." When I looked at him, I could just make out his black hair almost covering his blue-green eyes.
Now this was usually the point where I would wake up drenched with sweat with my heartbeat bouncing off the walls. I would get up and head the shower, always trying to figure out who this boy was. I wondered, could my dream be a message?
It wasn't long before a knock on the door interrupted my train of thought.
"Bridget?" Mr. Laris's voice came from the other side of the door. Mr Laris was a very sweet, caring man. He seemed to care for us as our very own father.
"Yes Mr. L?" I asked politely, trying to hear over the sound of running water.
"You've been in there for an hour, and your classes start in 10 minutes. I'd suggest you hurry up in there."
"Yes Mr. Laris." I told him as I turned the water off.
In a few minutes, I was dressed and ready to start the school day. Well, that might mean something different for you. See, classes here are about the same as any other school, except a little more, special. You see, I don't live in an ordinary house, I live in a science lab; and in this science lab, we're not required to learn math or science or language, we learn how to control our special gifts. Gifts like flying, mind reading, shape shifting, and pretty much anything else that would get you sent to this government for testing.
By the time I'm there, everyone else is already busy doing their own things in the lab. I smile as I see Zoe telling a normal human to give her a plate of cookies. Almost mechanically, the human hands her the plate she was holding. That was Zoe's gift, she could control your actions. Like if she wanted you to dance, without you thinking you would get up and dance. It was one of the most special gifts you could be given.
I suddenly turn to see my book rising out of my backpack.
"Taylor!" I yell towards my friend.
Taylor's a blonde, who can move things just by thinking. It's almost like she tells them 'you're here, I want you there, now go'.
"Hey, I'm practicing!" she yelled back as she dropped the book.
"I don't see why they make me come here even when I don't have a gift." I told her sadly.
That's right, I had no gift. Surrounded by all these fantastic people, but I've got nothing. They've have me try all kinds of things everyone else can do, but I can't do anything. I'd brought the subject up to Mr. Laris, but he'd always say it would come to me.
Suddenly the buzzer came on and everyone was silent, it was Mr. Laris.
"Hello, my wonderful gifts, I am very sad to say I am leaving our gift program. You will have a new administrator here soon and I expect you to follow his every rule. So, this is goodbye, my students." With a sigh, he turned the speaker off and everything was quiet.
I sighed. What? Why as this happening? I marched up to the teacher to ask to go see him, but she stared at me. I planted my feet right where I was. He hadn't mentioned anything about leaving ever before, and why would he leave so abruptly? There had to be some meaning around the subject, something was going on.
At the end of school, I went to see Mr. Laris. He was just about to walk out the door. He had a deep frown and there were sad wrinkles in the corner of his eyes.
"Mr. Laris!!" I yelled at him. But I was too late; the door slowly closed behind him. I sighed and walked out of the tiny office. I walked down the light, clean hallway to my room. I stared at my reflection on the floor as I made my way to my door.
* * *
This week’s new blob was splattered onto my tray. Dr. Sciz was horrible. It wasn't until he showed up that I began getting these hallucinations from my dreams. I started screaming in my sleep, too.
I was being very quiet as I poked my blob with my fork. I had lost weight since we started to get blobs of who-knows- what instead of food. Mr. Laris always said that we gifts needed our protein. Well, no one was getting any.
Taylor waved her hand in front of my face. "Hello!" she said, waving her hand faster and faster. I grabbed her hand to make her stop.
"What?" I asked blankly.
"You were staring, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." I got up, dumped my food in the trash can, and made my way outside.
As soon as I met the green grass, I saw him. I froze. He was just like I remembered him, just as mysterious. I tried to approach him, but my feet wouldn't move. My body wasn't listening to me. All I could do was stare.
Here was the man I've seen so many times, right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I was helpless, just like I always am around him, I guess.
It was then I heard the whisper. I looked at the man again, he hadn't said anything. Suddenly, it came again, this time louder and more clearly;
You don't belong here, leave now.
I felt a shiver tingle down my spine. The words echoed through me with more power than I'd ever felt before. Before long, I found myself yelling at the top of my lungs.
"Make it stop!!" I screamed. Everything started to blur, and go out of focus. I could finally feel the grass under me and smell lunch again. I rose as quickly as I could and darted back inside.
Once I was in my room, I hopped on the bed and sat there. There's no possible way I could run! The guards swarmed the building like poisonous ants, it just wouldn't work. It couldn't work. It just couldn't.
* * *
It was around midnight when I decided to go through with my plan. I thought about my past years being at the factory, and then I shook the thought from my head. After I put on a white tee-shirt and some old, faded blue jeans, I made my way to the door.
I closed the door as softly as possible behind me, only to see the shadow of a guard coming down the hall. My heart pounding faster than ever. I ducked behind an open bathroom door across the hall, praying the guard wouldn't notice. I held my breath as I heard his footsteps pass by the doorway, and didn't let go until I was positive he was gone. I tried to not to be relieved for too long, there was still more to do.
I managed to make my way out the main doors and across the wet and freshly cut grass. I didn't stop running until I found myself at a cliff. We lived in a very mountainous area, so they were everywhere.
I thought I was out options when an old ladder caught my attention. I quickly made my way towards the cliff overlooking it, and just when I thought I'd made it, I felt my foot hit a rock. That's when everything went downhill.
Chapter 2: Following
The ladder lay in pieces on the shiny white lab table. The room they took me to was white like the rest of the lab, and reeked of chemicals.
"Well, the poor no gift child's trying to running away from me?" Dr. Skiz asked. He chuckled,thinking I wouldn't fight back.
"Don' t you mean your experiment?" I shot back.
He glared at me. "You will not talk to me that way! Inject her!"
Almost out of nowhere, two bulky scientists rose and made their way towards me. I tried to bolt from the room, but one of them held my arm down while the other injected me with a purple liquid. I had about a few seconds of consciousness before everything went black.
* * *
I woke up in my bed with a terrible ache in my arm. It was a while before I could sit up and try figure out what had happened.
What was that they injected me with? Could it kill me? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't care. All I cared about was leaving, but I knew if I even tried anything, guards would be on my tail in a second. Also, I had my friends to worry about. How would they survive if Dr.Skiz is still here? I don't want to leave them, but I feel like I have a bigger calling, like I have to stop these labs.
So I stayed quiet and bided my time. I didn't talk unless I was spoken to, I never ate, and I always sat alone. I wanted to run, but I knew I couldn't. I had to stay where I was, going through the same cycle everyday. Even when the guards started to lay off, I continued to play the innocent child. Weeks began to pass, months, and the feelings of leaving never went away.
It wasn't until much later that a dream came to me.
Everything was dark. I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed. I tried to move, but my body wasn't responding. It was just like that day at the-
They're messing with you, child.
It was the voice from before, just as cold as ever.
It's the chemicals. They're the reason you stay here. They're messing with your mind.
Was he lying? Could I trust the voice in my head? The last time I listened to him, I ended being captured by guards and getting injected.
Think about the reason you're staying, and you will see why you're meant to leave.
I shot up in bed and immediately felt dizzy. I found myself trying to catch my breath. Why do I stay? Well that was easy, I... I have no idea. I had no reason to stay, and that made me angry.
* * *
I burst through the wide double doors of the lab room. My eyes watered from the familiar stench of chemicals. I went through the cabinets, searching for a shot that could help me. I saw one labeled "Forget" and I grabbed it. After uncapping it as quickly as possible, I pushed the needle into my arm, injecting the medicine into my system. Before I could regret what I'd done, everything went black.
Chapter 3: Forgotten
Blinding Light. My body felt very stiff, like I had been lying down for a long time. I forced myself to sit up, trying to figure out where I was. It was a small, white room, full of chemicals, medicine, and shots.
The feeling of claustrophobia was starting to settle in, so I jumped to my feet. I burst through the large doors in front of the room and made my way down the hall. Before long, I found myself standing in front of another, larger set of doors that lead outside. I burst through them and ran away from the building as fast I could. Behind me, I heard alarms going crazy, and I guessed that there would be people coming to investigate soon.
I was running, whether it was to my death or my salvation, I didn't know. I was a second away from hitting a dead end when cold, rough hands grabbed me.
I tried to yell, but a voice whispered in my ear, "Shh, they'll hear us."
I immediately stopped struggling and watched two men who'd apparently been following me stop where I had disappeared.
"Where'd she go!" the first one exclaimed.
The second one shrugged, scanning the area, "Let’s go get Dr. Skiz!"
The went off and I breathed a sigh of relief. I turned to face my captor, and found a dark and mysterious boy with dark black hair just covering the tops of his eyes.
"Who are you?" I asked.
He looked at me as if debating whether he could trust me or not, "Jess, you?"
I thought about it for a second. What was my name? I felt like it was on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn't get it out.
"Uh, I really don't know." I stared at the ground, blushing.
"You don't- Okay then. Just give me something to call you."
"Bella." I said right away. It didn't quite fit, but it felt right.
"Well, Bella, we should get going."
"Where?" I felt a strange attachment to him. I felt safe with him.
"Anywhere away from here."
He began walking away from the building. I guessed I didn't have much of a choice, so I followed.
* * *
"Why did you bother to grab me? I mean, you don't know me." I asked after a long silence.
"I don't think you know you either, but I have my reasons. Right now, I have to go and save another runaway."
"How do you know?"
He ignored my question and entered the trees on the other side of town. He put his finger up to his lips, signaling for me to be quiet. Before long, a girl that looked around the age of seven came running from a building behind her with a fearful expression on her face.
Swiftly, Jess ran out and grabbed her. She kicked and screamed, but he held tight.
"Quiet! They'll hear us!" he whispered fiercely.
She calmed down for the moment and watched as the guards ran past. After releasing her, without a word, he set off again.
"Who are you? W- What do you want?" She asked nervously.
I looked at the frightened girl and sighed. "I'm Bella and this is Jess. What’s your name?"
"S-s-sparkie." she shivered.
"Oh Sparkie, don't be afraid. We won't hurt you. Jess, where are we going now?"
"To meet the others." he said in a serious tone that sent shivers down my spine.
* * *
"I'm so tired. When will we be there Jess?" I was moving slower with each step I took. I was scared to find our destination, I barely knew Bella and Jess, and here I was trusting them. "Jess, how much longer?"
"How ever long it takes." he said as he turned the corner to a street with abandoned houses on each side.
"Who are these other ones we're meeting?" Bella asked.
I really looked at Bella for the first time. She had a strange way of being beautiful. She had dirty blonde hair, pale skin, chocolate brown eyes, and had this laid back energy about her. Her clothes were very dirty, with mud smeared on her jeans, but she gleamed in the suns soft rays.
"I'm with Sparkie. We've been walking for over an hour." Bella complained to Jess.
"Grow some skin," he murmured under his breath. "Step through here."
Chapter 4: The Runners and Si-Flys
It was beautiful. It had a jungle feel inside of the trees.
"Dude, we got ourself quite a crew!" Jet said, nodding at me and Sparkie.
We had met three other people from Jess's group, The Runners. Jet, Sunny, and Star. They all had special gift. First of all, Jet was fast. He could run across the country in an hour.
Sunny could control the elements. Earth,water,air, and fire. On her strongest days she can control the weather too, but that was very rare.
Star could put of a glow so bright it will blind you. It could be a very deadly gift. It was a major weapon as the enemy could not see us.
Sparkie could shock you by touching you. She was very young, and her shocks didn't hurt unless she was really mad. She was still a little scared and sat away from us.
Jess Sat across from me as I scooted closer to the orange, flickering flames. "Jess, what can you do?" I asked, genuinely interested.
"I can read minds within 20 miles from me. he looked down, embarrassed. "How about you Bella?" Sparkie whispered.
I scanned my brain for the answer, but found nothing. "I- I don't know." I said ohshyly. "I don't remember. I don't remember anything!!"
Jess looked at me as if he knew everything, and he probably did.
* * *
that night I slept in a tree for the first time. It's not very comfortable though. Just then, I heard a stick crack. I opened my eyes, now alert and focused. I looked around to see Jess listening too.
Crack.
I woke everyone up and Star put a dim glow so we could see who was making the sound. We were surrounded by flying human sybourgs.
End of chapter
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Wonderful writing!
Kat
Kathryn here to review!
It seems to me you have spent many hours editing this, and that you have taken direction well! For being 12, this is outstanding! This shows maturity of a 17 year old writer!
Perfect flow of words and the way things are formatted. I think the prologue was awesome, and a nice touch too!
Great job!
Very intriguing. First off I really enjoyed the way you started out by speaking to the reader. The dream was a nice touch as well. As a reader I got the sense that the girl had frequently had the same dream, she knew the course of actions. You put quite a bit of thought into writing this I can tell which makes it stand out as a great piece of work. Below I see that you have had your work reviewed thoroughly by some people and have fixed mistakes based off of their feedback which I believe shows that you are a dedicated author and one whose work is worth reading. Admittedly at times I shall rush through a piece not bothering to go back and edit which is most definitely a mistake on my part and since it appears you have not fallen into that pit I must applaud you. Overall great piece of literary work.
Now I must ask you something that is not entirely pertaining to your above story. Being new to this site I am unsure of how things work to say the least and I am wondering if you can have multiple pages instead of just one lengthy page including all of the chapters. On other sites I have been on you had the ability to have your work spread across multiple pages like a book and I am just curious if that is possible on this site as well.
I loved your detail, the flow of your story, and honestly at the moment I cannot think of any way to improve it although later when I am actually awake I maybe able to spot a few areas where you can improve. For now farewell.
NO, I'm sorry, just one lengthy page!!! May want to get in touch with Nate and ask if it's possible! Thanks for the great feedback <3
You are welcome and I guess I shall have to make due. Thank you for the information
...I tend to write LONG stories so that is why I was asking. I guess I shall have to split them into parts if that is the case.
Like I promised.
Blinding Light.

The went off and I breathed
Ithought about it for a second.
He startedto walk away from thebuilding.
It wasn't long before we werewalking through the deep forest.
I don't think youknow you either.
Not before long
the age of 7 came
She was tan with hazel eyes and brown-blonde hair. We set off again. [/soiler]
"To meet The Others."
"Jess, how much longer?" I groaned.
Bella complained to Jess.
"Dude, we got ourself
Earth,water,air, and
Star could put of a glow so
Jess Sat across
"I can read minds within 20 miles from me. he looked
I said ohshyly.
that night
Crack.

I'm only gonna review chapters 3 and 4 since that's where we left off.
Spoiler
Should be 'The light was blinding.'
I don't think your spacebar likes you. There are LOTS of places where you a bunch of words put together. Oh wait, I see it now. It's mostly where two colors meet. Still. That's a no no. In fact there's so much of it that I don't actually want to point any of it out.
Instead I'll only nitpick spelling and grammar mistakes.
Spoiler
'The' should be 'they'.
Spoiler
You should write what you were thinking about. (e.g 'the question')
Spoiler
This line is unnecessary and ruins the flow.
Spoiler
This isn't either, since you're already conveying the message of a time lapse with the three stars.
Spoiler
I had to point this one out since it wasn't the colors that combined the words.
Spoiler
This means that it was a long time, which I'm sure you didn't mean.
Spoiler
Spell out any small numbers.
Spoiler
Talk about completely unrelated.
[spoiler] "S-s-sparke." she shivered.
"Oh Sparkie,
So which is it?
Spoiler
Why is 'The Others' not all lowercase? Unless that's the name of a group, you should probably italicize it.
Spoiler
This should be its own paragraph.
And then just a paragraph later you decide to describe Bella? Bad timing, bud.
Spoiler
Yet again, unnecessary.
Spoiler
That should be 'ourselves'.
Spoiler
Space after the commas, please.
Spoiler
That should be 'give off' not 'put of'.
Spoiler
'Sat' should be capitalized.
Spoiler
You're missing a quotation mark, and since when is Jess a nice guy?
Spoiler
I'm sure you see the problem here.
Spoiler
Capitalize 'that'.
Spoiler
Italicize sounds.
And yeah, there you have it. Of course, none of this would be there if I had time to edit with you
Don't worry, I'll join you again one day soon.
Stupid keyboard:(
Hey there Lylas! I'm going to give you a quick chapter by chapter review. I'll give you my thoughts on the idea, voice, and characterization in each chapter. I won't get into technical stuff, since you seem to have that down pretty well. Just be sure to proofread, proofread, proofread!
Chapter 1
You have a very interesting opening line! I will make one quick suggestion about it.
I was running, whether it was to my death or my life, I didn't know.
You cannot really run to your life, if you are already alive. I think you'd be better of with a word like 'salvation' in place of life.
Idea
You are off to a very intriguing start. There is a lot going on in just the first chapter. You might want to slow it down a bit, take more time to develop your characters. This way, when Mr. Laris leaves, there's a little more emotional involvement for the reader. Right now we only know his name, we don't know why we should feel bad that he is leaving.
I loved how this chapter started off! The dream sequence was very interesting. I like how she retells the situation as though it is all too familiar with her. I feel like some of the dream theme should be expanded upon.
Voice
Your character has a strong, interesting voice. I like that this story is written in first person. This feels like it is going to be a very personal story. Try to develop your character's voice as much as you can. You are definitely off to a good start!
Characterization
Another important thing to do right off is give your MC a motive. What does she want? Why is she running away from the school? If the reader doesn't know why she is leaving, they won't be interested in the fact that she is leaving. It was a little abrupt, and we don't really learn her motives for leaving. One way you could let us know is by showing us how she got to the lab in the first place. Was she taken from her family? Was she born in the lab?
Tell us a little more about some of the side characters. You introduce them, and then they're mostly tossed aside, or just used to carry the story through dialog. Try to give their voice more meaning.
Chapter 2
Idea
You introduce some very interesting conflict in the second chapter! I'm starting to think the dreams are her gift! Nice touch. One thing I would've liked to see was a stronger sense of setting. I know she's in a lab, but what is the lab like? Is it sterile, and bright? That's how I envisioned it, but I really wasn't sure how the environment effected the Bridget. I would definitely like to see a stronger sense of setting in your story.
Voice
I would've liked to see more inner turmoil in this chapter. Maybe Bridget starts to question whether or not she can make it out of the situation alive. Perhaps she wonders if her friends are worried about her. A little inner turmoil can do wonders for characterization and the overall feel of the story!
Characterization
I like her impulsive behavior towards the end of the chapter, but I would've liked to see her fight her captors harder before she was injected with the initial sedative. This character seems like a real fighter to me. Another note, who is the 'he' she is talking to at the start of the chapter? I'm assuming it's the new admnistrator.
Chapter 3
Idea
You already start off with a more interesting setting, nice!
On another note, do they not lock their doors in the lab? It's understandable if they have a reason, for instance, most people won't lock their bedroom doors because they are afraid of fire. Maybe the lab feels they have no reason to lock their doors. Either way, be sure to give the reader a good explanation.
Voice
Her voice seems much more subdued in this chapter. She doesn't really question Jess much. I would like to see her question his motives, especially when they go hitchhiking. Maybe she doesn't think he knows where he is going, or maybe she doesn't know for sure whether or not to trust The Others. It'd just be nice to see some conflict between Jess and Bella.
Characterization
Jess doesn't get much of a chance to show his nature, I would like to see more interaction between Jess and Brdget/Bella. Another note, Bella seems to trust him right off the bat. This seems to go against her characterization in the prior chapters.
Well Lylas, that's all I've got! Work on your characterization and your voice, and try to work on some of the minor inconsistencies in the plot. You have a lot going on, and I can tell this will be an exciting story. Keep up the good work, and keep writing!
You're so right. Everything you said is exactly right:) thank you thank you, thank you!!!!:) I'm gonna edit tonight:)
Hey there, Ly!
First things that strike me - can I suggest making the font a little bigger, a little blacker, and adding a few more line breaks? There ought to be an "Edit Work" button on the right-hand-side, and if you click that you ought to be able to go through and add in some more line breaks in the editor. I don't think you can get indenting on YWS works (like someone mentioned below), but mostly if you double-space paragraphs, it'll be okay. This isn't so much a writing point as a posting-on-YWS point - I'm afraid you're more likely to get reviews if you make it easy for people to read the work.
Another little point - you start off with an "epilogue". Traditionally, an epilogue is the bit that goes at the end, and a prologue is the bit that goes at the beginning. Obviously, rules are made to be broken, and this isn't to say that no-one should ever put a thing called 'epilogue' at the start, but if you do something like that, it's important to make it look very deliberate, so that people don't just think "oh, she got it wrong". There are also varying schools of thought over whether it's worth having prologues and epilogues at all, or whether we should just call them chapter one and chapter [last number], but it does eventually boil down to what you choose to do. In general, though, I recommend having a bit of a think about how it would affect your story to call the prologue 'chapter one', and if you would lose anything by doing so - if you wouldn't, there's no reason not to make it chapter one.
Aand with that out of the way, let's talk about the main body of the piece.
This is definitely an interesting set-up going on - I'm a fan of fantasy and sci-fi, and people in science labs with mysterious powers definitely fall under the umbrella of Stuff I Find Cool. However, there are a few things I'd like to suggest for improving this piece, so I'm going to focus on those now.
The main suggestion I'd like to make is that you expand on the things that are happening here - show us more! You go through quite a lot in the first section of Chapter One, for example, from Bridget dreaming to Bridget in the shower, to introducing the other characters, to Mr Laris announcing his departure. If you slow it down, and show the characters doing a little more - maybe show us the characters in the lab hanging out chatting for a while before Mr Laris makes his announcement - then it won't seem to rush by quite so fast, and we as readers can really start to feel like we're there.
The other reason to slow down and tell us a bit more is to stop the reader getting confused. I take it that quite a bit of time passes between Mr Laris' announcement and the blob on the tray, but it took me a little while to work out that Dr Sciz must be the replacement, and that the blobs had started with him, and that it's been a while since the last paragraph. You could definitely do with filling in a bit of the interim time, or at least making it a bit clearer how much time has passed, because if your reader is confused, then they're not immersed in the story.
I'd also like to suggest a couple of things regarding dialogue. The most important question to ask yourself when writing dialogue is "would this character say this?". That breaks down into two parts: firstly, does it make sense for them to say it then and there and to those people? For an example of what I mean by this: in Harry Potter, it makes sense for wizards to tell Harry things about wizarding, because he didn't grow up with it, but if they tried to tell his wizard-family friends the same thing, they'd be a bit "but I know that already". If the characters listening already know the things being said, it doesn't make sense to say them.
Secondly, does it make sense that they say it in that way? To work this out, it's a good idea to read the dialogue aloud, and if it feels a bit weird to say it, it's going to feel a bit weird when your reader reads it. Maybe even try to act out the scene - put yourself in the character's shoes, and think about whether you would say that thing if you were as scared/angry/sad/whatever as the character is right then.
I think that's about all I have to say - I hope it's helped. I look forward to reading more of this story! If you've got any questions about what I've said, or if you want me to do a spelling-and-grammar check on this, feel free to drop me a message or grab me in chat - otherwise, happy writing!
Cadi x
Hey, I want to read this, but the print hurts my eyes and there are no indents!
i don't know how to change it...and we have not worked on the indents yet... (me and @VeerenVKS)
Heyo Lylas
if not soon, sooner...


First off, all I see is a big blob of text, and that's a big no no.
Here are some basic rules for paragraphing in a novel:
- New person talking, new paragraph.
- Try to keep it to one quote per paragraph.
- Changing subject, new paragraph.
With those in mind, lets get on to some real critiquing.
The prologue seems more like those quotes you'd put in the begging of a novel rather than a prologue. And this line;
Spoiler
Besides you forgetting to capitalize the 'i', it doesn't make sense. When you say if not, you're trying to imply something like an antonym to what you're stating. For example in this case, it should, If not sooner, then later... . Though I suppose that would sound cliche with the line before it. I guess you'll just have to fix that
Reading through the first 'paragraph', there were many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. The whole feeling of the passage was thrown off many times, and got quite confusing at times. I find this happens a lot when you're in a rush while you're writing. You just want to get all your ideas down as fast as possible without leaving anything out. Because of this, I'm guessing you'd just got the idea in your head when you started writing? If not, you've got some work to do.
What I found in the first 'paragraph' was pretty much duplicated in the next two. Except this time, I found things moved much too quickly. You seem to be covering a large time span in a short amount of word. Sometimes, the more you write the better. Also, you're really lacking in the description department. It was hard for me to visualize what was going on with everything jumping around so much.
You have a great idea here, and I'd love to see it go somewhere. But I feel that it won't go very far if it continues like this. The mistakes are really holding back the brilliance behind this.
But I'll tell you what, I love this idea so much, I'd be willing to edit it all (grammar and spelling and such), or at least help [i]you[/] to.
So if you ever want me fix it up, feel free to bug me
If not, good job anyway.
Keep on writing.
buuuuuuug, buuuuuuuuuuug, BUUUUUUUUUUUG.
Thanks for helping, i think im going to add Chapter 2 tonight. (again, short chapters until chapter 6)
This is the book I plan to publish. critique as much as you want!!! I know chapters are short in the beginning but at chapter 6 it gets longer. please critique as much as you can. I have to get this perfect so I can publish!!!!
Really you plan on publishing this piece of work? In that case I guess I should be more thorough in my responses. I too am planning on publishing a few books but as of the moment I have not posted them up.
This was the first book I wrote, and The one I wrote when I was inexperienced xD I don't think I'll continue this one...