As Messed Up As It Gets - Chapter Two

Timmy here

Forgive me for being late. I was snoring in the other room. >.< It was such a blissful time, sleeping away with nothing but my lovely music to keep me company. And then someone turned on the heavy metal, and I went--

(I don't know what came over me up there. Just ignore.)

So this chapter is about a dudette, eh? Okay, I like that. This is actually a good thing for both you and I - you as the writer, and me as the reader - because I am in the works of a book with the same thing. Switching the POV back and forth with each chapter is fun, and juggling two different character, while difficult to maintain pacing, is a blast. As long as you can do it right. As we go through this story, I shall just keep you updated on how I am connecting with the characters, if the sudden jumps from chapters take me away from them and make it difficult to get into the other character. Whatever comments I have, you shall receive them. But as of right now, I don't spot any roughness in that area of the writing, save for that I can already tell what is going to happen... and I don't like being able to do that. I will discuss this later on.

I ran my hands through my hair. I slowly got up and walked over to a mirror.

So let's take a step back, looking at this in a different perspective than you as the writer. I know that, since you are just like the rest of us, you have a very strong attachment to your writing - so I will be very careful and not tread too harshly on this. But I do have a few suggestions.

#1 - This is the most important thing with writing action, for me. When I say action, I don't mean "Hiya - take that!" I mean, when having your character move about. When having your character doing something as simple as brushing her hair. You need to add some life and spice to it. Think of the part I pulled out above ^^ as like a bowl of soup or something - a good dish. When you taste it, the soup tastes good. You have a good flavor, and you are enjoying it... but something is missing. You're missing the spice - that extra zap in the action that all readers want. Let me just give you an example.

I ran my hands through my hair

Okay, so you ran your hands through your hair. This is telling us that you did something, which in many cases is perfectly fine. Not here. That is the bit of spice we're missing. I can't feel her hair at all. It's just nebulous to me. Reading is like entering a part of the person, and seeing the story from their eyes and mind. When she runs her hands through her hair, give us a feeling. Is it soft and wavy? Or does she need to take a shower - grease coming off into her fingers? Is it coarse and thick like a horse's mane? Explore her hair when doing actions like this, and remember one important thing while doing action: describing doesn't come in block paragraphs, cut apart from the rest of the piece in solitude, but inserted throughout the action and dialogue, given to the reader as the character moves through the story. Action with vivid description throughout makes for an electrifying scene - no matter the pacing or type of action.

#2 - You have a tendency to not fill in any blanks, and at times I am left on the brink with my eyebrows touching my hairline, saying "Whaaaa?" Let me give you a brief example.

I looked around my room before opening the window and climbing out to the roof

No doubt that part is completely normal, and is something done in many houses - accessing the roof through a window. But I have never seen one. Not ever. I have driven around plenty of places, and - oh, wait. Yes, I now think I see what you're talking about. Your character is on the second story, set inside from the lower roof, isn't she? Now that I think about it, that certainly seems to be the case.

So that, in itself, is an example. I shouldn't have needed to go through and examine the piece - finally coming to an understanding after a few minutes of thinking. You should have told us that this roof was built that way. We need an image projected out for us to see what is going on with her, and only you can supply that for us. So don't be afraid to slow things down for a moment, and give us a few more sentences of how she got on the roof, where her room was in conjunction to the rest of the house, and how everything worked. It's very important to the story, especially because little things like that take your reader out of the piece while they're deciphering the odd ends.

You don’t know what would’ve happened if I wasn’t here to save your ass.” He said harshly

What you're doing here is telling us something twice. Look at his dialogue, and what he says. His words are pretty harsh, right? The reader can make that deduction just fine with what you gave us with just his dialogue. I actually have a nice representation of his present mood and character with that. But then you restated something we already knew - that he was being harsh. You showed us wonderfully in the dialogue that he was talking harshly, so there is no need to reiterate things by telling us of his harshness, as well.

If I could describe him, I would be speechless except for one word: Beautiful

You've done a good job with the descriptions at many parts in this, but with him.... I just don't see anything. You're telling us that he is beautiful. Well, my dog is beautiful, but she doesn't look anything like a person. Give us more. A reader is always searching for a clearer image.

have you been?!”

This is double punctuation, and isn't ever necessary. Only one is ever needed in any situation. Let's say you're asking a question, and the character is yelling. The what/why/where/whatever at the beginning of the sentence is a prompt for the reader to see it as a question. The mark at the end is always helpful to leave the sentence on the right note, but if you want to have the character screaming - let 'em scream. End it with the exclamation mark - nothing else. If they're just asking a normal question, choose the normal question mark.

One thing you need to make sure of as we go through this story - keep me guessing and on my toes. Right now, I can already see the signs. Girl meets guy. Guy meets girl. Girl likes guy. Guy likes girl. Girl and guy have problems. Problems get fixed. Guy and girl live happily ever after. The end.

Make sure it doesn't happen to the way I predict. Even if it does end like that way - which is perfectly fine - keep me on my toes and dodging bullets throughout the entire thing. I want to be surprised, and I know you have what it takes. This chapter has proven that for me.

I think you did amazing in this, Lylas. I could really see her character and personality in this, her emotions and everything shining throughout the piece. I am not sure if I like her much at all, and she seems somewhat... crummy - too much like her parents. But I think she will grow on me as we go along in this story. Development of characters is always the key to any story, and I think you already have that in your hand. Good job. Keep the development coming along, and this story will do wonderfully. Do be sure there is some good change in her throughout this story, though. xD

You did really well in the plot and such throughout, and I enjoyed the scene where she met Mishom. I am with Therese in that I think it happened too soon, but that is easily curable in a second draft. It didn't pull me out of the story much, except it seemed a bit sudden when this is only the tenth page or so. He does seem like a nice person, though, and helped her out with her issues with those guys. >.< At least she wasn't completely along in that situation. Who knows what might have happened to her if Mishom hadn't come along.

Keep it up. I will be at the next chapter soon.
~Darth Timmyjake

Hey, Lylas! Writer here again! So, this is novel is a parallel plot, I take it? If you don't know what that means, it's when there are two narratives Very cool ^^ Let's dive right in, shall we?
I'll start with nitpicks first, then praise and suggestions and all that jazz.

A crash sounded in the kitchen, and my eyes flickered open. Mom was either hungover or drunk, when wasn’t she?

So I like the way you started the chapter, but I think more description was needed in the first sentence. What did this crash sound like? What do you think the narrator believes was being crashed? (whoa that made no sense) Did she sense a bottle falling to the ground, or furniture toppling over? Specifics please ^.^ Also the second sentence is punctuated incorrectly. It should be:
"Mom was either hungover or drunk. When was't she?" I think if you break it into two sentences and then emphasize a word, it'll read better. But only a suggestion.

I ran my hands through my hair. I slowly got up and walked over to a mirror. My hair was a little wavy from sleep, but the brown hints in my almost black hair shined.

Sorry for taking out bit by bit, but there's a lot of redundancy here! Make sure to use synonyms and also use more details. I'm also not liking the "almost black hair" description. Like an extremely dark brown would work (probably not), or like raven or something. I dunno, I just think it could be worded better

I glanced at my skinny body in the mirror. In my tanktop and underwear I could see the bruises from last night, the bright purple standing out as if they were painted onto me, the yellow, old ones just seemed like they were apart of me. I tore my big brown eyes from my reflection and headed towards my closet.

This is a perfect example of show, don't tel.. Instead of saying "I am abused," you give us a description of it instead. I think the word choice here could be stronger, but still, well done! Although for the second sentence, I would reread it carefully and try to word it better so it makes sense. It feels like there are some "the"s missing, like "the old ones" or something like that.

Most people were at work or at school, I didn’t have to work until later tonight, and I dropped out of school last year. It was no use paying for something I wasn’t doing anyways.

These few sentences felt like a little bit of an information dump. I would work on developing this. The sentence especially was confusing, so I would work on that. What do you mean she was paying for something? Does that mean she went to a private school? Work on fleshing these ideas out so we better understand them. Right now they're being thrown at me and I'm like "whaaa?" So yeah ^.^

The man that was once holding me against the brick wall was now unconscious on the ground. The man who stole my wallet had dropped my wallet and was starting to turn around and run across the parking lot.

Well first off, I understand you said "He was off me so fast I didn't see what happened" but still I was like O_O what?! How did that dude get knocked unconscious? :O And why did the other duded drop the wallet? Totally confused me, so I would just...I dunno, maybe go a bit slower? But as for it being realistic and told from her viewpoint, I guess it's alright ^.^

My mom stood behins him, drunk as ever.

*behind first off And how was she drunk? What did she look like, sound like? Show us, don't tell us Make us figure out if she's drunk, don't make it easy for the reader. If you explain and describe things more, we would be more engaged with the story Make sense?

So I really like this chapter! A lot! I think Maia was developed much better than Mishom, though a few more tweaks could be made to make it even better. The story was still fast paced and there were still some information dumps. Development! Beef it up! Flesh it out! Intrigue me more! <3
Well done, Lylas!
can't wait for the third installment
~Writer

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Before I actually begin, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry if I repeat anyone who has come before me. I'm writing this not connected to the internet, so I can't tell if someone is here before me. Also, seeing as 16+ works aren't typically what I review, I might just stop right in the middle of the story, if I think that I am unable to continue with this. xD I will let you know beforehand, of course. Hope this isn't offensive. Even though this is only the second chapter, I am enjoying it.

One thing that I particularly like is how you both showed so well, how both characters have some serious issues in their lives. I mean, I could tell from this one that this girl has a drunk mother and I would guess father as well (?), is abused by her parents, has a job, is a high school dropout, has a problem with staying out of trouble... the list seems to go on. What is super awesome about this, is that I got a good idea of what both of their lives were like from their first introduction to us. Was pretty awesome I thought.

Now obviously I don't know what you guys are planning for this story. Got basically noo idea of this when it comes to storyline and the like. But I do have a slight issue with how you guys planned this chapter out. Sorta. Okay, they just met in the second chapter. You introduced one of your main characters here, and also had the two MC's meet up for the very first time. Sorry, but I'm not sure that will work. I mean, I hardly know this girl at all! I don't know him at all either, for that matter. I'm not saying that you can't have them meet up right now, because they haven't been developed yet, but because it was too soon. I think maybe the story could be expanded a wee bit more on before you have them meet. Like only by one or two chapters, maybe. Just a thought. Was feeling a bit rushed is all.

Technical

Mom was either hungover or drunk, butwhen wasn’t she?

I think a word is missing here, is all.

my almost black hair shone.

I think you mean "shone?"

I pulled on my black skinny jeans, put on the first band shirt I could find, and pulled my black combat boots on.

Here, we see that you're a bit redundant. You say on three separate times, not to mention there are many words here that could be taken out. Try and put these articles of clothing into the three elements of your sentence that you have here with as few words as possible.

whiskey is her holy water.

Yeah, I don't get this. You drink whiskey. You don't drink holy water. Would suggest finding some other metaphor of sorts for this. ^-^

“It’s getting late, see you around Mishom.”

Comma after around.

“Where the hell have you been?!”

Generally you should avoid two spots of punctuation for dialogue. Always try and find whatever punctuation mark will suit the particular spot of dialogue best, and use that one. For this... I'd say since it's already implied by the dialogue itself that it's a question, then I'd use the exclamation mark, to better bring out the fact that he's shouting.

She let go and I then through the door.

You meaning "and I then ran through the door?"

Well I think that's it for general nitpicking. The one thing I would really suggest researching and reading up on is your dialogue punctuation. I think I did talk about it with your friends chapter, and since I'd be doing just a repeat I won't do it again. But I would suggest working on it. Proper punctuation is extremely important. I think I gave it to you before but, this article here], would really help a lot with this issue.

Alright, I think that's it from me for now! Keep going with this and hopefully I will too!

Keep writing!

~Cricket