As Messed Up As It Gets - Chapter One

Timmy here!

I think in this review I will try to focus on what could be added, and not as much on what could be taken away. I think your other reviewers have done an excellent job of tackling all of the nitpicks that could be looked at. Perhaps I will find a select few to ramble on about, but they had done a good job. Let's just hit a few of the important points before I race out the emergency exit. hee-hee

I usually review as I read - so here we go. As I said earlier, hang onto your butt. This is gonna be a ride.

It was still early, I could go back to sleep.

So, I lied. This is something I talk about quite often, and one could call it a pet peeve of mine, but I just like mentioning it because it really hinders the flow. Look at the sentence there. The comma does its job, separating two parts that could have been two sentences, and blah, blah. You know all that. But the comma isn't enough. You need more in order to mash these two complete thoughts together into one sentence and have them flow as they should have been. In many cases, you just have the wrong punctuation (so like perhaps a colon or semi-colon in some places, although I love torching those. I think they break the flow), but in most other cases, it is a simple matter of the lack of a conjunction to "fill in the blanks". Like the sentence above ^^ could have easily been mended and smoothed out if there had been a conjunction present. Let me just show you. Would be easier for both of us, I think.

It was still early, so I could go back to sleep

The so I added makes the entire sentence regain its honor (um, I suppose not that) and the flow is really helped by adding in that one word. Amazing what a conjunction can do to help the flow of a piece. Never underestimate the power of the conjunctions.

I pulled some clothes over my boxers and my bare chest, put my shoes on, and then left my apartment.

These descriptions here, to be honest, are not the greatest. This part in particular could use some life infused into them. Not only do they not really supply a picture (although I am not sure how clear of a picture one wants of getting dressed in the morning. xD), but they seem like they were just dropped out of mold. This happened. This happened. This happened. The part above is the biggest culprit of the piece. You need to add life to the narrations in select parts, infuse some flow into it. There are so many ways to do that. And you don't have to go through and add in line after line of the most floral descriptions describing the color of his underwear, but you do need to go and supply a picture and a flowing narration as we go along. So there are few things you can do as you go: What are his thoughts? Not the thoughts of the narration, but thoughts in general? Feelings? Like, actual feelings. Do his socks or shoes feel cold or damp at all? How does he feel about that? Does the front door of his apartment stick, and he has to really pull and curse a bit at it in order to let himself out. Does he have a slight hangover still from last night's bit of fun (if he did drink)? And etc.... Your character's goal is to reach this place at the end of the chapter, yes. But his mind can be allowed to stray while he remains headed in the proper direction.

It was around 5:00 p.m when I decided that

I am pretty certain it's standard for writers to, uh, write out their times. So, instead of what you have up there - five o'clock, p.m. That, and with ages, you do the same. No numerals in the book, except if you're doing something like whatsherface did in Hunger Games, with numbering the districts.

So one problem I noticed at the end (which is also an issue I have with a troubled character in a book of mine, too) is that when he is drunk, he doesn't act it. Not at all. Instead, he just acts like a lost dude that likes handing out his information and being sad with someone. I want to see some visual and mental affects going wrong with this guy - like I want him to be stumbling around everywhere, his words can be slurred together, and drunk people like to act silly quite a bit. You have to have watched enough movies with drunk people to know how that works. ^.^ Just remember to keep things as realistic as you can, and having characters follow the same patterns as other drunkards is extremely important.

I always seem to be truthful when I’m drunk.

I liked this part quite a bit. Now just expand on that.

and pulled the bitter drink to my lips.

Hmm, I am not sure if bitter is the word I would have chosen. It doesn't seem to fit whiskey very well. I would think of it more as a... harsh drink. Yeah, that would be closer to the mark, I think. Maybe you could sample some and make your own deductions. hehe

I think this was an absolutely epic first chapter, especially how you immediately threw your main character into trouble. Or rather, didn't throw him into trouble. You just showed his continued trouble. I am really curious to where you bring this book, and how you build this character. I hope he becomes better throughout the book, because that would be a good character development for him to go through ^.^ I think you're doing wonderfully with building his character. I thought I could really see the beginnings of who I thought he was, and the little comments he makes throughout the chapter and tidbits we see of his life - they just build that image of his personality and character that I love. In time, and I think quite soon, I will be able to piece his entire person together. But this was great start, even if he seems to be quite the lost dude. Difficult life, and isn't doing a very good job pulling himself out of it. Sad, but a very good way to suck a reader into the story - because now I am concerned about him, even though I don't like him much. xD How does that work, again?

So all in all, I think you did a fabulous job on this. Some parts need to be fleshed out better, and the drunken part should be made more prominent - but those are all things that can be inserted during the editing times. With what I see in front of me, I really like it. Entertaining style of writing, very lively story - even if it has begun sad, and I can sense a plot building already. Keep this coming. Keep this coming.

Tell your friend I really enjoyed her writing. ^.^

She does not have access to a computer

Hmmm... then how did she write it? hee-hee *disappears*
~Darth Timmyjake

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Before I even begin the actual review, please note that since this is a pretty short work that this might be a shorter review. But we'll see. ^-^

Even though I think this is a little short, it also gave me a pretty good idea of what this guy's life is like. Obviously, he's dejected, lonely, and likes to drown his sorrows with the bottle. To be honest, that's what I mainly liked about this piece. Your friend showed fairly well that this guy is that way. The reason why he feels that way is because he thinks nobody loves him. (Honestly, I'd be saying something like- "Bro..., go get a girlfriend.") He thinks that if he dies then there will be nobody there to shed tears over him. It's sad but I still liked it. (I have some other thoughts on it, but I'll go into those later)Show's that there's some actual emotion going on.

But my favorite, favorite, favorite part is the last line. Omigosh, now I'm just curious to see what's going to happen next! Obviously your friend meant to leave it open as a sort of cliff hanger. It really did work with me. Now I'm wondering if he's planning on leaving, going to have somebody else pay it, or commit suicide. Seeing the mood he's in right now, I'd say suicide, but I really hope not. I absolutely hate it when I see a character do such a thing to them self.

My main grammar concern though is your dialogue punctuation. I will take out a few examples of what I mean, and then expand more on the subject.

“24 today, sir.” I replied with a quick lie.

“Let’s start off with whiskey. My favorite.” I said with a slight smile.

“Thank God.” I whispered under my breath.

In here I pulled out three cases of dialogue with dialogue tags. Now in all three of these cases, the dialogue punctuation is done incorrectly. See the period directly after the dialogue? That shouldn't be there and it should actually be a comma. That is the case when you go into dialogue tags. No exceptions, or at least none that I know of. This may seem a little confusing, so this link right here] should explain it much better than what I've done. It's an excellent article written by Demeter and it highlights basically the top points of dialogue punctuation.

I knew I had to get up. It was my birthday, not like anyone was going to celebrate. No, I had to get up soon because I worked at the gas station on the corner of 47th and Main Street.

Whoah, whoah... huge break in development of this paragraph. You start off with him wanting to get up, and then smash! we go into his birthday and nobody wants to celebrate it, and then back to him getting up. The thing with paragraphs is that they have to be one solid idea. For instance here, the part referencing towards his birthday doesn't coincide with the rest of the paragraph. It's a completely separate idea! A good solid paragraph is composed of one solid idea, which typically takes around three+ sentences, but that just depends on the idea. So keep the paragraphs one idea all the time, and if some part of the sentence doesn't go with the rest of the paragraph, then toss it and find another place for it.

“24 today, sir.

It looks more professional and cleaner looking, when you write out the actual number (like twenty-four). There's a couple of cases throughout that look like this, that could be edited and fixed up.

“Okay, Mr. Fishers, what can I get for you?

There needs to be a comma there.

He had crystal blue eyes, a white goatee, and a balding head.

This is just something to use as like a small little reference for from now on. Sorta, as this could be intentional. When trying to describe a character, you should do it all throughout the scene, and not in one short little blip. If you describe it all throughout it will generally and in most cases give the reader a good feel of what the particular character looks like and will also help build on their character more. If you see what I mean. So try and describe the character as you go along, is what I'm saying.

That's about it for nitpicks. I think the main problem here is the character characterization and dialogue punctuation. And even though this character seemed like he was full of sadness and stuff, he still didn't give me the real impression that his life was so hard. I mean, sure, he isn't exactly the center of the universe and hardly anybody pays attention to him, but that normally isn't a reason for someone to have such a cast down opinion of their life. Take note, that is just my opinion and what I think about it. Get some other opinions on this, if need be.

Aside from what I've said previously, I'd say that what I just liked as a main thing were really all the subtle hints at certain things. As I mentioned earlier, especially the hint at the end. Now I'm just incredibly curious to see what exactly is going on. Keep me posted on this!

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Hey Lylas! Writer here as requested.
Your friend did a pretty good job with this chapter. I'll start with nitpicks first, and then onto stuff I liked and stuff that could be fixed? How's that?

Nitpicks!

The sun hit my eyes like a laser. I yawned, turning over onto my side, facing away from my window. My eyes opened a bit, then closed. It was still early, I could go back to sleep.

This opener was a little dull. I felt it could use some more description. Here, you're telling us what is happening, rather than showing us. I like the "hit my eyes like a laser' but the rest was kind of a boring information dump that could've been spread out, if you see what I'm saying Try and beef up this paragraph/section.

The train that rushed by my apartment building told me that it wasn’t early - maybe 1:00 p.m. I knew I had to get up. It was my birthday, not like anyone was going to celebrate. No, I had to get up soon because I worked at the gas station on the corner of 47th and Main Street.

Sorry for taking out so much each time, but I think if I take it out and then use my suggestions, you'd better understand what I'm saying. Basically, it feels like all of these ideas in this paragraph are thrown in together. The information from one sentence to the next doesn't connect smoothly, and feels almost random. There are a lot of gaps that need to be filled here, and yet again, another information dump. We learn about 5 new things in these sentences alone, which should have their own paragraphs. You can use the train to describe where she lives as one paragraph. (2) could be about her birthday and just why no one would celebrate it. How old would she be? Etc. (3) Talk about the gas station, maybe even mention that as she gets there. Are there people there at that gas station she knows? Include that in the same paragraph. Look, I just expanded your chapter ^.^ (and I spread things around with showing and not telling).

I pulled some clothes over my boxers and my bare chest, put my shoes on, and then left my apartment.

And now I learn this person is a guy O_o sorry for the confusion before. Good way of showing in this few sentences

“Hello?” I looked for a bartender, was immediately more relaxed when I saw him.

I would reword this sentence. Read it aloud, you'll know what I mean. It's a little choppy.

A familiar taste washes over my tongue; I’m done faster than the bartender could have said a word.

Tense change! The rest of the story is in past tense, but here you switch to present tense. Don't worry, I do that too sometimes. Be careful and watch out for those!

Kind of a sad first chapter We get a little bit of taste of who this guy is, etc. However, you present us to him too fast with random information being woven through the chapter. You need to slow down and develop each idea so we can learn and visualize even more things. It's a short chapter because you don't explain things. You give us vital information in a weak way. Work on the setting, characterization. The dialogue was probably the only really good thing about this chapter. You need to work on description as well, because I had a hard time imagining where he lived, what he looks like, etc. however, if you want to develop him more in previous chapters and this lack of description here was intentional, I understand.
But overall, I wasn't thoroughly intrigued. It feels as if you're starting the story in the middle. Rather than fleshing out the character, you get to the problem straight away. I'd rather you kind of take time to meet that problem. Introduce more things to us first, and try to make us figure out his problem. Maybe have him wake up with a hangover?
Anyway, I like the idea of the story, just not how you tell it. You're off to a good start however Just some revising and you'll have a more fleshed out chapter ^.^
I hope I helped in anyway! If your friend has any questions for me, let me know! I'd be happy to answer them.
~Writer