One Hundred Sleepless Nights #2

Hello! Here to review your second edition of this building piece!

1. 10:24 pm

So, I'm starting to think like Noelle (yay! XD) and that this indication that she writes to "John" latish at night may have some effect on the story. I.e. she has insomnia, or she's lonely, or she thinks too much at night. (Don't we all.)

2. I mean, you're the reason I'm writing these stupid letters anyway, right?
Insert comma between letters and anyway, if you please.

3. Camping with each of our family's, we both decided to take a walk around 4:00 pm.
*families
You repeat both, and it bugged the snickerdoodle out of me and I don't know why >_<. However, I suggest taking out the both and just leaving it at we. Therefore, it is not repetitive and muggy to zee brain.

4. We walked to the little park where our eyes would first meet, and my forest green eyes would fall in love with you ocean blue ones.
*youR <<needs r (....ocean blue ones)

5. We talked the rest of the week, talking about our family's and home towns.

Repeat forms of talk twice in one sentence. Said is dead and I mock talk! ..........Ok, no. But for real, there are a lot of verbs out there that mean more or less the same thing. Try, for example(s), just off the top of my head:
Uttered
Muttered
Emitted
Stated
Expressed
Yelled
Cried
Laughed
Snarled
Snapped
Yipped
Murmured
And many more! The Internet is at your fingertips!

6. John, am I fat? Be honest. Maybe I should cut back on the sweets. It'll save my parents some money!

Johnny, honey, am I smart? I'm already falling behind in my studies. Am I beautiful? Wait. Don't answer that.

The truth hurts too much.

I liked this part, but it was a very strange transition. She went from describing her heart broken pain and (presumably) being separated from her beloved John to asking if she was fat. I'm fairly certain this is not the effect you wanted, but I nearly laughed when I read that. It was so out of the blue and a bit vain that I snorted. (There's another verb! ;D) The follow-up was good, though; it's just the transition that needed some work.

Okay, so if I didn't already know John was fake, I would be confused more. Actually, I am. Is John a figment of her imagination, or is he somewhat real? Is she ever going to acknowledge he's fake? Does she know he's fake or is she a little off in the head?
There are definitely some questions to be pondered.

Good chapter, and I'm off to read the next one!
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing!
+1

Hello, Lylas. I'm Nonny! This is the first work of yours that I'm reading and I will be sure to go and read others because this is beautiful. I wrote letters like this before. I'm not sure if this is from the heart and a real letter to a real person, but either way this is a good story.

I enjoyed the description that you used to describe their eyes and the way that they met. It makes the reader fall in love with the characters and their love story. I think that everyone knows how love works and to me this story is about unrequited love...or a summer love...either way.

While short, it was beautiful. I have no complaints and no suggestions about what to fix other then I wish that I could have known why they lost each other. I loved the writer's insecurities they were showing at the end.

All of it was fantastic, keep them coming!

This is the first time I read one of your works. This was a really good story and I liked how you put it together. I don't think there are many people who can paint a picture in reader's minds using just their words, but you did. I was a little confused at the ending, but that might be because I haven't read the first letter. There were a little grammar mistakes but nothing big. I really liked this story; keep writing