September 1st, 2014
9:48 pm
Dear John,
I want to be alone tonight, so I can cry about my misery alone.
I sometimes wonder if your parents blocked my number. I wish I had your address. I would send letters, I would visit.
I guess I should tell you now about how everything ended.
***
I wait. I wait for days for some kind of reply, for my messages to deliver. But I got nothing. I sent a text every morning, every night. I'm very understanding though, I know that a long distance relationships are sometimes the hardest relationships. But we both know our love will keep our connection strong.
Finally, I got a text from you. It read:
Johnny - I'm so sorry! My parents read my text messages and saw that you didn't go to school with me, that we barely know each other. They freaked out and grounded me. I missed you so much sweetie.
Me - It's fine.
Johnny - Oh god, you must think of me to be the worst boyfriend. I'm so sorry :(
Me - No! I'm just really glad you're back :)
Johnny - Oh, good. I love you :)
Me - Yeah, you too :)
Johnny - How's my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend?
Me - Amazing, since I'm talking to this guy. By the way, how is my handsome, gracious boyfriend? :)
Johnny - Just absolutely amazing. I have to go to lunch, text you later pretty face! Love you forever and always
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Salutations! Let's get down to it!
1. I want to be alone tonight, so I can cry about my misery alone.
Very dramatic opening line. I don't know whether to suggest you change it to something less dramatic or keep it that way. I'm sort of in between. That's helpful, isn't it?
2. Finally, I got a text from you. It read:
Definitely add more emotion to this line. If she has been waiting so long, at least add an adjective to describe her joy at FINALLY receiving an answer. It doesn't have to be long and sappy, just something like, "I felt joy cascade me when I finally got a text from you. It read:"
Etc, etc.
3. That was the last time I heard from my first love. Johnny, I'm 76 days clean. I kept my promise. Still working on the happy part.
Happy 4 months, my love. I love you so much.
- D -
Nice ending. I'm very emotional right now. Must go read next chapter.
Overall rating: 9/10
Keep writing!!!!
+1
I guess half way through this I decided to make him real xD
OKay XD
It won't let me add this, but it should be:
"Johnny - I love you too <3 Thanks for the first kiss. *kisses long and hard* Goodbye.
Me - </3"
Hey, Lylas. First review here and it's probably going to be a short one considering this is a very short chapter. I wish it was a little longer. I think that you could have put a lot more feeling into this one other then what you already have. During the first sentence, I think that you could have combined these two sentences: "I want to be alone tonight. So I can cry about my misery alone."
Using song lyrics in a story is a bit weird for me but I do understand that Taylor swift for sure sometimes describes exactly what you're writing.
I really need to know why they aren't together. Obviously, he moved away but what is so wrong with the writer that they can't talk to each other anymore? What happened? Tell meeee!
I'll add more detail and I'll post a comment on your wall when I have finished! (The reason why it's so short was because It was hard to write.)