Black Clouds Chapter One

by elysian, happyslappy13

Published April 26, 2014

12+ Mature Content

In Novels Started Then Stopped

Kiara Morson~ 16

Shade Williams~ 16

Drew Williams~ 19

"Why do we have to be the last of them?" Kiara elbowed Shade.

Shade turned. This was one of those questions that seemed impossible to answer, and once again Kiara has put him in a bad position.

"And why do we have to be the ones to save the Earth?" She questioned.

Shade gripped her hand tightly. He knew that it was his job to comfort her, make her feel more confident that they could do this.

"Because we are the best," He finally answered, "They chose us because we have what it takes. They believe in us. And I believe in you."

This seemed to ease her panic slightly. Shade let out a sigh of relief. He has always been put in a position where he had to be strong for his friends. He had always found this unfair; he was just as scared as Kiara, and even he had is doubts that they could complete this incredible task. He was always forced to appear like he knew what he was doing, while in reality he wanted someone else to take a stand.

Kiara squeezed his hand. "How're you always like that? I mean, you always seem strong. I've never seen you cry, I've never heard you complain, never hear you whining..."

"We just have to accept how things are. I know, I know. It feels like just yesterday we were sitting outside in my backyard, eating ice cream while my brother Drew tries to tell jokes. Remember how you started to laugh like a dying squirrel?"

Kiara laughed. Shade felt great that he was relieving the tension.

"What do we do now? Set up camp?" Just then, Drew, the blue eyed big brother of Shade, walked through the trees.

"Hey guys. We should set up camp for the night, it's getting late." He said emotionlessly.

"Yeah, I was just telling Shade that." Kiara glanced at him.

He looked as if he had been rolling in the dirt, dirty from head to toe.

Shade gave Kiara an annoyed look. Drew may have been his older brother, but he sure as hell didn't act like one.

"Drew, why don't you let me start a campfire," Shade said, worried of Drew starting another fire and burning the supplies (again).

Drew rolled his eyes. "I got it." He started towards the pack, which had two tents, and a whole bunch of firewood. He unpacked everything and Shade started towards the tents. Kiara put a hand on his shoulder.

"Sit, rest. I got it." She started towards the tents and began to put them up.

Shade admired her compassion. Although she was clearly tired, she offered to do the work.

"Drew, how about you go find us some more food. I'm sure the berries are nice this season."

'I'm doing the fire. You go." Drew glared at him.

Kiara looked up and gave a stare at Drew. Drew rolled his eyes and left into the trees.

Satisfied, Kiara finished the tents, and walked over to the fire, mending it.

This is how it usually was when the threesome set up camp. They would make a big deal about who does what, Drew does something potentially dangerous, and Kiara takes up most of the big work. Shade admired her as he sat back on the grass. Her dark, chocolate brown eyes flickered to him and she smiled, her full lips parting. Her light red hair curled to her tiny waist, And her bare legs were long and tan.

They had been friends since he could remember. They used to walked home together nearly every day, and spent the weekends seeing movies and hanging out at parks. They have always been with each other, but this whole Earth crisis has seemed to bring them... closer.

Kiara walked over to Shade. "Why you starin'?" She laughed.

"I... wasn't... shut up." Shade stammered. Kiara punched him in the arm and kept working, just in time before Shade's face turned red.

A half hour went by. Then an hour. Boredom creeped into Shade and Kiara, up until the point where Drew returned; he came out of the forest with two large rabbits.

"Dinner!" He exclaimed. Shade turned and gazed at him in shock.

"Where'd you find those?" he said.

"Down by the creek." Drew began to roast it. "Wow, Kiara. You did all this?" Drew raised his eyebrow.

It almost looked as if Kiara slightly blushed, her cheeks rosey. "Yeah."

Shade had to admit, Kiara did work hard, and he felt bad for staring at her instead of helping. She had gotten the fire going, flames high and smoke twirling to the clouds like a grey ribbon. She had set up the two big tents, and put away all the dishes after washing and drying them. Now Shade felt really bad, and made a note to make an effort to put up camp next time.

Kiara put her hand on Shade's sholder. "You look tired. I say you skip the dinner tonight and head straight to sleep. Drew and I can take watch just nicely. Besides, you have been leading the group the whole day. I'll be in there later, Ok?"

Kiara squeezed his shoulder and walked over to tend the fire. Drew smiled at her, and went back to cooking the dinner.

Shade was glad to be able to finally sleep. Soon enough, he was slipping away; even before he was able to reach his tents and blankets. It took the full effort of Kiara and Drew to carry him into the tent.

Shade slightly opened his eye, to see Drew walking out the tent. He narrowed his eyes. With Kiara's hand in his.

Shade shook his head, knowing it was only a friendly gesture, but...what if it wasn"t? That was his last thought before drifting off.

--Next Day--

"Shade. Shade! Wake up. Listen!" Drew wildly shook Shade in the narrow tent. Shade, lightheaded, responded.

"What is it?"

"Just get out here."

The first thing he heard was the oddest, deepest noise ever. It was like a constant humming, appearing to originate somewhere in the far distance, beyond the small forest.

"What is making that noise? It is the strangest thing I have ever heard..." Shade whispered.

Kiara crept from behind, surprising him. "We have no idea. It has been like that for nearly... two hours! Isn't it curious? Drew might go take a look."

"No! I'll go." Shade started to get dressed.

Drew chuckled. "Little bro, I got this."

Before they could get wrapped up in some huge argument, Kiara lightly pushed them both." Maybe Drew should go. Shade, I don't want to loose my best friend..." Her voice got quiet.

Shade, not sure if he should feel complemented or argue back, just decided to sit down. Drew nodded his head at Kiara with gratitude and dissapeared in the forest. He took merely a short sword with him and a plastic bag full of nuts and berries. Shade hoped he knew that half of the stuff in that bag were just rocks.

"Thanks dude." She laughed and ruffled his hair. Kiara winked at him and left the tent. Shade smiled slightly then remembered last night. Drew and Kiara holding hands. Did they like each other? Are they dating? Why did he care? Why were his hands sweaty? He also noticed how she picked Drew to go into the forest instead of him. Did she think he could handle himself better, or did she mean what she said about wanting him safe?

Shade grunted and unzipped the tent. He glanced around camp, seeing no sight of anyone. "Kiara?" He asked the air. "KIARA!" He yelled this time, his heart pounding faster. Where was she? Why wasn't she answering his calls? He sarted running around camp, looking for her.

Rustling was heard off in the forest, the same direction from which Drew went. Was Kiara running away from him, trying to get to Drew? No, that would be completely out of her character. But maybe something took her... he did hear of dangerous things lurking about the earth in these horrible times. Not seeing any other option, he reached for his favorite weapons: the amazing red dual swords he keeps. Twirling them in each hand, he sprinted towards the wall of trees.

Sunddenly a horrific scream sounded. He hoped it wasn't Kiara, and he started sweating again. He ran towards the scream, which was still ringing in his ears. Tears welled up as he ran as fast as he could. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't.

As he sped into the wood, he saw some unfamiliar objects. There was a black leather bag that did not belong to anyone he knew, and the idea of someone else being here was hard to accept. Maybe it was left there before the tragety happened. But... it was brand new. He decided to spare a few seconds of running after Kiara to open it. There was a few apples inside. And... they were not rotten, or old, or damaged. Someone must have been here recently.

Another scream sounded, this time closer. He grabbed the bag and put it around his shoulder. He broke into a run, bolting past tree's and bushes. He tripped over a bush and scraped the corner of his eye. He quickly got back up and turned a corner. There, in the middle of a meadow, was Kiara. A guy with black, spiked hair and piercing blue eyes had a knife to her neck. Kiara was crying.

Shade was horrified. He could tell that Kiara was in pain, and that the man was holding the knife awfully close to her. Shade could even make out some lines of blood on her face. Luckily for him, he does not think the man saw him yet. But he could do something terrible to Kiara!

"Where the hell is it? It's not like I need you, I could kill you RIGHT NOW if I wanted to! If you won't tell me where it is, I can easily get the information from this fool over here." The man pointed to a spot on the ground for a moment. Shade turned, and realized that Drew was lying on the ground, a small pool of blood around him. His arms flinched, however, ensuring that he was still alive.

Kiara, choking on her own breath, said "I don't know what you mean! What are you looking for?!!"

"You know what I mean, you damn girl! Where the hell did to hide the detonator? The detonator for the damn bomb!"

Kiara choked. "I-I don't know!" She was shaking.

Shade needed to get to her. He needed to. But how? Just as he was looking around another guy appeared. He looked young. Maybe about Drew's age.

"Well don't we got ourselves a pretty one?" His voice was cold, just like his eyes.

He walked up to Kiara, who was still crying, and wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger. I wanted to lunge at him but I knew that would just get Kiara killed.

"I could have a little fun with this one. Hopefully we don't kill her, she's got a beautiful face, and an amazing body." he said looking at her like she was food. I am going to kill him.

The men laughed. Shade's rage only grew to see her treated like this. She was his... friend, and he didn't want to stand idle as they disrespected her like that.

Drew twitched. And the men grew serious once again. "Now pretty lady, tell me where the detonator is!" Blood trailed down her neck.

The second man chimed in after a few seconds of silence, saying "Hey, what if she actually doesn't know?" His associate shoved him away like a pestering bird.

"Of course she knows. Are you really that thick, to buy into her little act? Humans are extremely scarse in this area; any trespassers have to work for our rivals." His grip on the knife tightens.

"Let her go! She obviously knows nothing!" Drew croaked. The younger of the two men looked over at him. He was standing, but barely.

The man walked over to him, and motioned the other guy to bring Kiara. "Do you know who you're dealing with? I mean, we can do anything we want." He laughed. He walked over to Kiara. He smiled at her wickedly, then kissed her cheek.

"Get off her." Drew's voice was stone hard. He walked forward but two more guys emerged from the trees and held him back. "Get away from her!" He yelled.

"Take him to the van. Put him out." The guy motioned. They dragged him off and Shade couldn't decide what to do, follow Drew, or stay for Kiara. Then the man looked back over at Kiara, he grabbed her hips and pulled her closer. The other man took the knife off her neck but kept a close watch.

"Get off of me!" She screamed. The man just laughed and pulled her closer. He kissed her neck and laughed even more at her tears. That's it. Shade ran out to Kiara.

"Stop it! Don't touch her!" The man's head snapped around.

"What? Don't do this?" He looked back at Kiara and pulled her as close as he could and started touching her breasts. Kiara sobbed.

Shade started towards the man, but two others came up behind him and grabbed him. Honestly, where were all these guys coming from?

The man laughed and pushed Kiara into another man, that dragged her away.

"Stop! Where are you taking her?!" Shade's face was red. The man looked over to him.

"My name is Jobe. I am the leader of XM3, We're taking over this hell, and we know who you are. We've been watching you. Shade, welcome to my prison." Jobe laughed and motioned the men to take him away. Shade punched and grabbed at all that he could, but he couldn't seem to break their grasp.

Shade couldn't understand this guy's deal. At one moment he's completely immature and taking advantage of Kiara, the next he's acting series like he's someone really important. But it didn't matter. At this moment, he was powerless and could not control what the man did.

Eventually the men carrying him got annoyed by his persistent struggling, because they leaned him down and, with one large punch, knocked him out.

........................................

Shade woke with his entire body shivering, all of his bare skin against a cold surface. He quickly sat up and looked around. The entire room was encased with smooth, flawless metal. The people who put him in here had no curtousy whatsoever; they put him in some grey clothes obviously to short for him and let him sleep on the equivalent of a freezer.

Shade examined the room farther, finally noting the door at the far end. He almost overlooked it because it was the same exact color and texture of the space around it. Attached to it was a small note:

- Dear Valued Prisoner,

You will be contained in our facility until you spill out sufficient information or until you die. You have been marked as a second-class prisoner, so there is no pressing reason for you to remain alive. If you are about to die, please be curtious of the prisoners around you by not screaming. Instead, alert the guards so that clean-up can proceed. Sustinance will be distriputed every six hours. Finally, if you would like to visit another prisoner, you may alert your guards. If they want to, they may allow a visit. Gestures that implement any form of romance are strictly prohibited among prisoners, as they are not sensitive the lonesome guards around you. Thank you, and enjoy.

Wow, how kind of them. Shade grunted. The room smelled slighty off, and he felt a little dizzy. His vision got black around the edges. They probably poisoned the room. He'd be dead soon.

.............................

Comments & reviews · 3
SoundsOfSilence wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2014

This was a very enjoyable piece, pleasant to read. What I liked the most had to be the way the characters interacted with each other, however I do think it could be a bit smoother. I feel like there were a lot of instances where you mentioned who was speaking, when it was unnecessary to do so.

As for nit-picks:
(excuse the lack of quote box; I'm still getting use to this place)

"Drew twitched. And the men grew serious once again."

I was taught that it's not a good idea to start sentences with 'and'. Maybe someone will say differently, but that's just something I try to avoid as much as possible. In that instance, nonetheless, I feel it would read smoother and add to the atmosphere if you had put: 'Drew twitched. The men grew serious once again'

Just my personal thoughts. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't, but it's there.

Number two:

"I could kill you RIGHT NOW if I wanted to!"

Capital letters weren't needed.

Other than that, I am left with wanting to know more. I agree with the other reviewers that you could have expanded on the kind of world/setting you were trying to create a bit more than you did.

Overall, once again I enjoyed it. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Hey Lylas!

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of stating their ages in the beginning. Why not just tell us in the story itself? Knowing their ages ahead of time does me no good, just confuses me.

"And why do we have to be the ones to save the Earth?" She questioned.


She should not be capitalized.

"Because we are the best," He finally answered,


This should end with a period instead of a comma. Also, he should not be capitalized.

and even he had his doubts that they could complete this incredible task.


Add in the bolded.

I've never heard you complain, never hear you whining...


You switch tenses.

He looked as if he had been rolling in the dirt, dirty from head to toe.


Since you just said the word "dirt", find a better way to show that he's dirty without actually telling us. The repetition is boring. Also, how is he dirty? Details.

burning the supplies (again)


Would flow better if you took out the parenthesis.

He started towards the pack, which had two tents, and a whole bunch of firewood. He unpacked everything and Shade started towards the tents.


Use a different verb to avoid repetition.

Her dark, chocolate brown eyes flickered to him and she smiled, her full lips parting. Her light red hair curled to her tiny waist, And her bare legs were long and tan.


So much description about her. Would make more of an impact if you spaced out. Right now, I can't help but think of her as narcissistic. Spacing it out will make her look less full of herself.

but this whole Earth crisis has seemed to bring them... closer.


"I... wasn't... shut up."


I quote these two for a reason. The ellipses only work in the second quote, not the first. In the first, they're used incorrectly. Remove them. As for the second, they work perfectly, as to indicate him stammering.

"Down by the creek." Drew began to roast it. "Wow, Kiara. You did all this?" Drew raised his eyebrow.


No need to use his name twice in the same paragraph.

I don't want to loose my best friend...


Ellipses are not needed here. Also, it's lose*

But... it was brand new. He decided to spare a few seconds of running after Kiara to open it. There was a few apples inside. And... they were not rotten, or old, or damaged.


Ellipses.

A guy with black, spiked hair and piercing blue eyes had a knife


And he noticed all of this with one glance? Doubtful.

I wanted to lunge at him but I knew that would just get Kiara killed.


OY. Complete switch from third person to first person here. That's a no-no. Fix this so it's third person.



Okay. Let's break it down.

1. Ellipses. Ellipses ellipses ellipses. You're using them incorrectly. Please google some articles/guides on them and fix all of them so they are either cut from the story or put to proper use. I know you're trying to indicate suspense and a dramatic feel, but if you use them too much, it ruins the effect.
2. Your dialogue would be a lot smoother if you cleaned it up. This article goes into more details.
3. Your descriptions of people aren't working. Instead of throwing all of it at the reader, why not space it out? Tell us Kiera's eye color, then wait until the next chapter to tell us her eye color. I mean, I can't really remember a book that told us what the narrator looked like from the start. "Oh I have green eyes and brown hair and smooth legs." No, that doesn't work. Feed it to me in little tidbits; don't cram it all down my throat.
4. This love triangle? I hate it. It's too predictable. I mean, if you want to roll with it, then fine. Just make it slowly come to it. Don't immediately show us that Drew has the hots for Kiera then BOOM so does Shade. Make it worthwhile instead of making me roll my eyes in annoyance. Plus two guys fighting over one girl is SO predictable. Pleaseplease spice it up.
5. I'm not sure what the setting is here? Is this a dystopian world? Apocalyptic? Something else?

Overall, this has promise, but needs some tweaking before it can reach its full potential. I like the idea and the fact that Shade is now in prison. I'm also worried about Kiera and Drew, so here's to hoping they survive. Maybe they're also in the prison? I guess we'll see.

Hope that helps.

~Iggy

Thanks Iggy! We will go back and do some deep editing before we write on!

User avatar
Starleene
Review
Starleene wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Hai there!
Star here to leave you a review! (Look at me, I can rhyme!) Onward:

while my brother Drew tries to tell jokes

If they were talking about someone she knew don't you think she would know the Drew was his brother? I don't think he needs to state that it's his brother at all, what about you?

you started to laugh like a dying squirrel?

I feel like you're trying to hard to add some similes here. I don't think she would like him to tell her she laughs like a dying squirrel. What does a dying squirrel sound like anyway? Probably not very nice.

blue eyed big brother of Shade

I think we know that Drew is his brother, I don't think there's any reason to mention that it's Shades brother coming out of the first. :)

and walked over to the fire, mending it.

Do you mean tending it? Mending and tending are not the same thing. Where mending means to fix, tending means to take care of.

What is making that noise? It is the strangest thing I have ever heard..." Shade whispered.

I think he talks way to formal right here. I don't think he would say out each and every syllable as that would be way to pedantic for someone so young. I think would use as many contraction as he could.

loose my best friend

I think you means lose. :)

KIARA!"

Try not to use all caps, it's not very professional. I got this critique a lot when I first started out as well, I know, harsh but I promise it'll help in the long run. Just use exclamation points.

round camp, looking for her.

Minus the comma

red dual swords he keeps

Keeped. You switch between tenses often so just make sure you read through it and make sure everyone's in the same time zone xD

Sunddenly

Suddenly. Just a little spelling error!

tragety

Tragedy.

few seconds of running after Kiara to open it.

This seemed odd to me. It really doesn't add to the story, it seems like it was just thrown in there. Also, if you were searching for you best friend, would you stop to check out a random bag? I wouldn't, that's for sure.

he does not think the man saw him yet.

He didn't this the man saw him yet.

RIGHT NOW

Again with the caps.

cold, just

No comma.

I am going to kill him.

The POV changes here. You suddenly go from 3rd person to 1st person and it's the only time it ever happens so it stands out a lot.

Are you really that thick, to buy into her little act?

No comma.

His grip on the knife tightens.

Tightened. The tenses change again.

Shade's face was red.

How does he know his face is red, he can't see himself. -__-

I am the leader of XM3, We're taking over this hell, and we know who you are.

Lower case w on we're and the second comma isn't needed.

Shade punched and grabbed at all that he could, but he couldn't seem to break their grasp.

Doesn't need a comma.

Eventually the men carrying him got annoyed by his persistent struggling, because they leaned him down and, with one large punch, knocked him out.

This sentence has way to many commas. Way, way to many so it makes it clunky. I would re-write this entire sentence.

OK! That's all the hard stuff. You seem to like to use commas a lot, try to use commas only where needed otherwise it makes for a hard read.
Makes sure that you tenses line up.
And finally my biggest pet peeve. Try to mix up your sentence structure. The majority of your sentences either start with: he, she, Shade, Kiara, or Drew. If you mix it up a bit I think that it would make for a better read and a lot more fun as well!

Other than that, great beginning! A few tweaks here and there and you'll be good to go.

Keep on keeping on.
Much love,

Star



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