Miles away, Alexia opened her eyes and exhaled. She was out of practice with telepathy, and it had taken considerable effort to summon the first two. But the message was clear - Distress Call - meet at the old clubhouse tomorrow night.
She only hoped they were all in town. Alexia had few doubts about Naomi - she had many connections in the city, and wouldn’t leave her mother if she was paid to. She hadn’t been too sure about Jake - he made it a point to make as few connections as possible. Not the kind of connections that would get him to stay in one place for more than a week.
As for Casey and Hanson - they had left town soon after the Psychic Circle split up... to contact them would take a considerable amount of energy.
She prepared herself to enter a state of mind she called The Zone - a deep sense of relaxation that ensured limited damage on her mind when she 'blasted'.
She shut her eyes. All she saw was dark at first. But gradually she saw dim shapes that sharpened suddenly, forming an outline of her wardrobe. When the mind-image solidified, spidery threads erupted from it, forming an outline sketch of her room. As the lines grew towards her, they became brighter until they fused into one distinct glow, the brightest in the room. This, she knew, was the glow of her psychic mind.
She sat with her eyes closed for a few minutes, the outlines becoming fine and shimmery, like streaks of electricity. Then she lifted both of her index fingers to the centre of her forehead, touching it slightly. Her fingers pulled away, and as they did, a single thread of silver was drawn out, seemingly from the depths of her mind. She pulled it as far forward as she could with both her fingers, and forced it to become concentrated at the very end.
Then she suddenly pulled her arms apart until they were straight at her sides. The spark of energy transformed into a violent streak that almost crackled with static.
It travelled for miles within seconds - as fast as the speed of thought. Her mind went with it.
***
Nikki's eyes froze on the sign. It was an amplified figure of an angel, with the halo flashing a red neon glow.
The Angel Club.
Her hollow eyes stared unblinkingly at the red oval flashing on and off. It was all she had seen in her head the past week, and now she saw it with her eyes. She had the odd air of someone being entranced by something that consumed her soul in a slow, evil, yet subtle manner.
She blinked, and the dark vaporous cloud creeping from the back of her mind disappeared. She took a step forward.
As she opened the grimy door, the atmosphere erupted into noise. People were laughing out loud, glasses were clinking against each other, and an odd whooshing and creaking sound came from a ceiling fan.
No one noticed the skinny black teenager in the doorway with one hand limp at her side and the other frozen on the door.
Then she saw him.
He was two tables away, his head bent, smoke surrounding his aura, but she was certain it was the man she was looking for. She took a step forward -and then she could not see anymore.
"Hey! This is a private club. Invites only!" her eyes moved up toward the face of the man who had blocked her path. He wore a scowl on his mouth which had traces of beard stubble around it. He had thick, black, windswept hair and wore a single earring. His long leather jacket fluttered in the wind coming from the open door.
As soon as she saw the bearded man, she knew he was not important. She averted her eyes from his face, dismissing him as she continued to walk forward.
"Are you deaf? Little girls shouldn’t be wandering around here at night!" He gripped her arm roughly, pushing her backwards. Her eyes shot back into his face and suddenly he yelled and flinched is hand away as if he had been burnt. "Why you little - " his scowl turned into a furious snarl.
"Sty!" A stern voice came from behind him. The man spun around towards the voice, gripping his painful arm. The one who spoke was him. He had turned his head, his cigarette hanging limply in his hand, with his back facing the door. There was a significant drop in the level of general noise in the club.
"Whatcha got there, Sty?" His accent was thick and British. The man called Sty panted aggressively, like a dog held back from attack.
"This - this girl just barged in here expectin' a free drink or something - " The man turned an angle more and she could see the sceptical arc in his brow. Her eyes met his for little more than a second, but she saw the shadow that crossed his eyes. However, it did not reach his unflinching expression.
"Well, you know what to do Sty." He replaced the cigarette to his mouth and casually turned back to the table.
"I know, Boss, but she doesn't seem to wanna go - hey!" Nikki walked past Sty as he was talking and made straight for the table.
"I need your help!" Nikki called to him as she quickened her pace. She was perfectly unaware of the sharp hostile looks she was receiving from around the room. She walked right up to the British man and she could see alarm in his face, but he didn’t move. He straightened himself up, and she noticed he was blond, with a strip of black dyed hair going from the centre of his forehead to the back of his neck.
"And why should I help you?" he said, arching his brow. Nikki dropped her targeting gaze for the first time and exhaled softly. She felt dismay creeping around the edges of her heart. Then she too straightened up and sharpened her gaze.
"Because maybe - I can help you." She said with forced confidence. This time he let out a loud laugh that was quickly echoed by others around. "And how can a little girl like you help me?" A flash of rage shook her as she watched his defiant laugh. She felt as though her last hope was slipping away in front of her eyes. A rough hand grabbed her upper arm.
"OK hun, you've had your fun." Sty hissed in her ear, with more than a little bitterness. She ignored Sty, never averting her eyes from 'him'.
"I can make people suffer!" she blurted it out, and for a moment she was shocked at herself - she had never said it out loud before. She became even more frustrated when he laughed even louder at her proclamation.
Sty dragged her back, and she struggled in a stubborn child-like manner. At this, the Brit's air changed as quickly as a film that had skipped a frame.
"Sty!" he shot a steely look at Sty. The club dropped silent this time, except for one or two slow-witted people, whose laughs echoed for an extra beat in the silence before whimpering away.
Then, just as quickly as before, his expression changed to a hearty grin. "Let her go Sty." He took a puff of his cigarette. "She might prove... useful"
Sty was frozen in shock while trying to see past his leader's public mask. Nikki shrugged Sty off, and strode purposefully to the leader's table. Now and uncertain murmuring was heard around the club. Nikki sat opposite him. Their eyes locked as each studied the other. He smiled coldly.
"Name's Viper. Who the 'ell are you?"
End of chapter
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137,703 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Hey there, Ember!!
I don't remember who was having 'issues' about the 'miles away' bit, but I understood it meant "miles away from the characters in the previous chapter". So, no worries.
That being said 'my worries' for this paragraph are 'Alexia's considerable effort to summon the first two'. COnsiderable effort, to me, comes hand in hand with exhaustion. Which would be a great addition to this part. I adored the spidery description, well done!!
And......... Everything else was mentioned, so I have nothing else do add. Well done!!
Tanya
Thanks Tanya!
Hi! Cricket here for another review!
Now I see I have nothing to worry about, as she's being excellent again. I can understand her reactions to both of the men, but I just couldn't stop wishing that she would act a little more sure of herself when talking to Viper. I understand that you think that it's normal for her to be doing that, and I agree, but still... I was a little disappointed that she would change so suddenly and not put on a bold front for him! But I just loved how she walked right past Sty, and ignored him, like he was some sort of ant! 
Was beautiful, hon.
After reading through this, I wasn't sure if this was like the Club that everyone was supposed to meet at, or a place that Nikki was just going to for fun. At first I thought it was, and then in the middle I thought maybe it wasn't, and then towards the end, I changed my mind again, and thought that it was! Reading through the first part of the chapter, I could see that it probably is the club that they all meet at, but I still felt that a little clarification would be handy. Just one or two lines, stating it or maybe a little subtle hint would be nice. In Nikki's part, not Alexia's part. Either way, I was bit confused. I'm thinking I just need to continue reading for my answers to be answered, so that's what I'll do!
Hurrah! We see Nikki again! As I was reading through your earlier chapters, I was just thinking, awwww, I miss Nikki.
I absolutely love this description?! Keep it up!
Almost crackled with static? Hmm, I love the line itself, but energy doesn't just almost crackle with static. Either it does or it doesn't. Would prefer a more sure line, is all.
This seemed a bit wrong to me. Are you meaning her clothes were black or her skin? I'm thinking you mean her skin, as I remember her description from the first chapter, but I would prefer some clarifying here on this point.
Uh, I know this is a pretty dumb question, but... where is this being placed? What's the country, ect,.. I think I remember it being placed in England, but I'm not sure. Just in case I thought I'd pull this part out, as I had a comment on it. If this is being placed in England, (again I'm not sure) then you wouldn't need to say that he's British.
Ohh, I'm so curious now! Why exactly did his attitude change so quickly when she started struggling? XD I guess I'll have to find out!
Hehe, apologies again that this is pretty short, but there isn't much to comment on or critique, as you've got some pretty awesome reviewers and this is just amazing! I'm loving the story so far, and I just ADORE your characters.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hehe, so one of the major things I have to work on is setting. I'll admit that I have been avoiding it because I wanted to spend more time on the juicy characters and their conflicts. Guilty! What I had in mind was a generic American city/town, because that was what I had mainly been exposed to in YA literature. I want to change it to a more original setting (an African city perhaps), but changing the setting means changing, well, everything, so I want to do that when I'm done drafting the first version. I am aware of many of the gaps (some of the characters need more filling out in description and back story too), but I juuuust want to get to "The End" before going back and dealing with them. But please do keep pointing them out so that I have a note to remind me.
Thanks again! Off to read your next review!
Oh, that makes sense! Thanks, and I'll be sure to keep pointing them out for you!
Hi there!
Ah, so this is where we learn exactly what the characters were supposed to do once the distress call went out. I was going to mention that in my last review, but usually when I do that I get my answers in the next chapter anyway. I decided to be patient and low and behold, I got my answer!
Yay, we get to see Nikki again! Again, I was waiting to mention the fact that we hadn't seen Nikki since the first chapter. But now she's back and all is good with the world. Still, I would like to suggest making the first chapter a prologue. Now, I know some people are against prologues or would rather not use them, but it really seems like the first chapter should be one. I mean, the first chapter is the first time we see Nikki and then we don't see her again until chapter 8. I just feel like you're focusing on Amber throughout this story and Nikki was just like, a random part of the story. Am I making sense? I'm just trying to find a way to make the gap where Nikki isn't present more understandable.
Oh wow, Nikki must be really desperate. She sounds like it. Now, I have one small comment about her personality here. She walks into this bar and stalks over to this man. But once Sty blocks her view, she just walks right by him again and again. To me, that showed her as a strong, determined girl who wasn't going to let anything phase her. But then she reaches Viper and she sounds desperate. It's just a big contrast, one I didn't see coming.
Once again, I must praise you on your writing. Wait, I don't think that I've actually praised you on your writing yet. Well, it's about time. Your writing has a great maturity to it, which isn't surprising because of your age, but at the same time it still has a carefree feel to it. I feel like I'm reading a novel written by a published author. There aren't many pieces on this site that are like that. I give you props.
On to the next chapter I go!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Here's a fun fact! I started writing Psychic Circle when I was 14 years old! I wrote my first version of it in pencil in an A5 notebook that initially was meant for science class or something hehe.
I went on a hiatus for several years, when I was trying to squash my writing to fit parental expectations (dark times), then eventually picked it up again and typed it up to save it from the decomposing notebook lol. Took another year or two off, until finally this year I made the decision to focus until I finish my first draft. If you're interested, I wrote the first 10 chapters when I was 14-15 (Well, only part of the 10th chapter), and have only done light edits on them since. Everything after that are recent chapters.
Ok, with Nikki's contrast in approaching Viper, I guess my thinking was that she is intimidated by Viper, and is still a vulnerable teen looking for acceptance somewhere - often in the wrong places. I'm sure you can think of certain people you encounter in your life who you're not shy around, and others who terrify you - be it because they are in authority, or because you like them a lot. I know there are times when I've had to shift too quickly between being around people I feel confident/dominant with, to being in the presence of someone I feel inferior to for some reason. It is like I have to switch who I am really fast. Putting that into consideration, it isn't that unusual for Nikki to display confidence and vulnerability in the same scene.
I haven't though of prologuing... but you have a point. Noted...
Salutations, once again.
Your characterisation in this chapter was good as well, but I find your choice of genre puzzling. Naturally, I am not referring to the Action/Adventure part, but the Fantasy; from what I can gather, your novel moves more along the lines of Supernatural. I advise changing the genre in your options (this can be done even with already published works), unless I am completely mistaken and the fantastical elements are yet to enter the story, or it does in previous chapters, but ones I haven't read. If this is indeed the case, please inform me.
This "Psychic Circle" intrigues me. I assume that if I had read the previous chapters, certain things might make more sense, but at the moment, it remains a mystery. From what I can gather though, is that it is - correction, was - a group of people with telepathic and other mental abilities. I know a little of these myself, and I found an interesting bit of text in Alexia's part, but I shall get there momentarily.
The underlined part makes sense when considering Naomi is still in town, but how it helps Alexia, seeing as she would not be willing to leave her mother even for payment, that is beyond me.
Here is the part to which I was referring. This "Zone" of which you speak actually has a scientific name - the "Alpha-mind". You see, the human mind functions on four levels, each measured in cycles per second (cps) of the frequency of brain activity in each state: beta, alpha, theta and delta. The Delta phase (approx. 4 cps) is that phase in which the mind is during deep sleep. Light sleep occurs during the Theta mental state (approx. 4 - 6 cps). When you are awake, your mind is in one of two mental states - either Beta or Alpha. Beta (approx. 14 cps and higher) is your everyday awake state, during which you are alert and active. The Alpha (approx. 7 - 13 cps) mental state, however, is that creative "daydream" state in which you are when listening to peaceful music, lying in bed, sitting in front of a fireplace, etc. It is the best state in which you should function, for many reasons. The Alphamind is that function of every human mind that is capable of:
- unlimited imagination
- intuitive sense
- fast, efficient functioning
- complex mental tasks
- connecting with collective consciousness
The last of these may be a strange concept to you.
Spoiler
Okay, that is by no means a normal ability. Any mental abilities humans may possess (and though they vary, many of them are mind-boggling, but no less real) are all associated with such things as mental communication and learning. As soon as you attempt to you use those abilities for malicious or selfish purposes, they cease to function.
I enjoyed this chapter. Though you could have used more pronouns instead of "Sty", it was not too shabby. It is very interesting to read about the psychic aspects of your story as well, especially since where fiction begins and reality ends is a little blurry.
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
So, we get to another aspect of Nikki's life here. Not the trying to be raped by a complete stranger, but the barging into a private club to tell a stranger that he needs her help and she needs his. Nikki has a very strange life.
Corrections!
I don't understand this sentence. What was Alexia miles away from? Usually when you put miles away, you put 'the car was miles away' or 'Eric spoke to her, but she was miles away, too busy daydreaming'. But when you put that Alexia was miles away and then opened her eyes, it confuses the reader.
At first, you tell me that the wardrobe was like an outline of a drawing - that it hadn't been 'coloured in' so-to-speak - then you say the wardrobe solidified, making me assume that her wardrobe looks like its natural, coloured form. Or do you mean the lines were faint and they become stable and then the rest of the room becomes outlined? Maybe you should just reread that and change it slightly.
Now, I found this sentence worded funnily so I looked up concentrated, which means 'focus one's attention or mental effort on a particular object or activity.' So was this 'concentrated' energy two lines that meet at the end?
Nikki 'had the odd air'? I think this is worded a little funnily. Maybe if you put: 'She had the feeling that someone was being entranced by the very thing that consumed her soul in a slow, evil, and yet subtle manner'. By the way, I love that sentence! Very clever and yet very expressive.
I think you meant to put 'his'.
Characters!
Okay, so at first we get the perspective of Alexia, where we see that her telepathic abilities are strained as she hasn't used them in a long time. As a reader, we get to see how Alexia's physic ability works as you describe to us readers that it is like 'a spidery web'. I love the imagery here! Its incredible. We get to read about two new characters, Casey and Stud, which I'm keen to find out about. Then we get to see a little more of Nikki's perspective, and the image that has been inside her head. We get to see that Nikki is quite a ambitious person as she doesn't let Sty get in her way, she merely sees him as 'unimportant' and walks away, (this makes me laugh). We can see she's also confident as she ensures Viper that she can help him, even though she is afraid. Sty and Viper are interesting characters - I can just imagine them both straight away. They have an untrustworthy aura about them.
Storyline!
So, you describe in great detail the design or layout so-to-speak of Alexia's mind, and how her ability works. The description about the outline of the wardrobe and how it erupts in spider webs fascinates me. I'm sure other readers will be fascinated likewise. You have created your own world where people do have super powers and you have breathed life into it, as I read I can imagine Nikki standing up to Viper, I can imagine Sty looking at his boss and wondering what the hell he is doing, I can imagine Alexia focusing in her bedroom with her fingers on her temples - all of it seems real. You should be very proud of your work! It is incredible!
Keep up the good work!
Traunt!
I definitely agree with the wording issues, I find the wording I used to use a bit awkward too. I think I may have made up some phrases that no one uses as well hehe....
Glad you're still going strong
"Miles away" was supposed to be in contrast with the previous chapter. Miles away from the characters she was signalling to.
I will try to word the effects of her power more clearly... but what I basically had in mind was the lightening bolt type outlines of the room start off faint and then they "look" stronger. It's all in blueish white perhaps? None of the natural colours would be seen in this state. She is essentially sensing the world as pure physic energy. Like seeing it through pure infrared or x-ray. It's the same image but seen through a different medium. I just have to figure out how to explain in a story-like way.
I am glad you liked the characters I've introduced! I visualised them quite clearly in my mind, and it's good to know that it shows in the story.
Thanks again for your review
I understand now!
Keep going! You've got the making of greatness!