12+

The Psychic Circle: Chapter 19

Senra’s eyes never left Nikki, and they were wide with wonder... no, greed. Viper had brought her straight to Senra on the night he took her from the Psychic Circle. He watched Senra’s behaviour when he brought the powerful psychic girl to her abode. Senra’s room within the Angel Club looked like a gypsy fortune teller’s store room. It was filled with mystery objects and bottled concoctions which he dared not touch. The layered drapes over the window gave everything a tint of red.

Viper saw the way Senra grasped her leathery hands around Nikki’s wrist as she guided her to an adjoining room. He stood close by, not leaving and not drawing nearer.

“My dear, I can see how unusual this has been for you,” cooed Senra. Viper had known her to use this voice as a way to calm and subdue, most definitely for her own purposes. “Whisked away from one mad group of psychics to the next, I mean it must be simply awful.”

Nikki said nothing. Senra continued as she pulled the sheets off the small bed to replace them with fresh ones. “From what I hear about these young people who had you, they are barely aware of the extents of their own abilities. There is nothing more dangerous than power and ignorance combined. No, my dear, they cannot help you.” Senra carefully finished making the bed, and it was perfectly creaseless. She folded a corner of the sheets, and guided her to the bed with a hand on Nikki’s back. A gesture of affection from the outside, but it was really a signal of control.

“But in any case, don’t fret about all of that. I am pleased you have decided to come to me willingly, it’s refreshing when young people see reason!” said Senra. Viper rolled his eyes and scoffed to himself. He knew that if his retrieval of Nikki had been unsuccessful, Senra would have sooner uprooted the house where Nikki had been and bring it to herself, than let such a prize out of her grasp. Reason had almost nothing to do with it.

“You’ve had a long and confusing day, Nikki. You’re exhausted... have a rest, and we will discuss things in the morning.” Senra tucked her in, and Nikki nodded and made no protests. A warm, clean bed was more than she had had in weeks, and she quickly fell into a dreamless sleep. Senra stepped away, and closed the parting curtain between Nikki’s bed and her own space with her queen sized bed draped in a green and red silk cover.

She turned around, and paused when she saw Viper standing by the door. ”You’re still here? I don’t require anything else, you are free to go.” All pretence of the pseudo affectionate tone was gone. It was all business now.

“What are your plans for her?” Viper asked, straightforward.

Senra looked up at him sardonically. “She is in my care now, don’t concern yourself.”

“Well, now I am concerned. You usually gloat when you’ve got a plan going,” Viper said. Senra smirked, shrugged a shoulder and walked across to the room to pick up her ancient book from its new position at her bedside table. She flicked through the pages as if looking for a specific one. Viper tilted his head, watching her. When she stopped on a specific page, she became fully absorbed in it, sucking on her teeth and looking too pleased about something. Viper frowned and walked over to her out of curiosity. She quickly shut the book when she saw what he was doing.

“Ah ah ah, I think I’ll keep this information to myself, thank you very much,” she crooned. Viper curled his lower lip and wanted to wipe that smug look off her face. He kept his calm, because the next part was crucial to his plan.

He made half a turn away from Senra, casually making his way out but taking his time. “Now that we’ve got the girl, what do you suggest we do about these Psychic Circle group?”

“What? Oh, the others that showed interest in the girl...” Senra gazed up in the air as she contemplated. “Did they seem like a threat to you?”

Viper laughed. “Not even remotely. Their leader is the redhead. Goes by the name Alexia, and if you ask me she barely has control over them. They’re young, have no purpose other than to hang out like an after school gang.”

“Then what did they want with the girl?” Senra asked.

“They thought they could help Nikki. Take care of her I suppose.”

“No, they will do more damage than good with their inexperience, and sheer weakness.” Senra spat out, putting the book under her pillow.

“Well, of course, she would be far better off here,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, putting a hand in his pocket. “Under your guidance, she’ll learn how to control it.”

Senra looked at him closer, her eyes narrowed as if she was trying to read his intentions. He kept his expression neutral. “Hmmm, indeed.” She sat on her bed, contemplating something. “Tell me, did she show any other abilities when you collected her?” Viper thought of Nikki’s metal melting incident. The way she had responded by instinct, and had been just as shocked as anyone else at what she had done. Viper couldn’t even imagine his own magnetic abilities extending as far as changing metal at a molecular level.

“Nah, she didn’t do anything special,” he lied. “She’s a bit loopy though. I don’t think even she knows what she might do next.”

Senra nodded sombrely. “Yes, she has suffered greatly for her age. Time will tell if that will interfere...” she trailed off, and Viper knew that she was not going to explain further.

“Alright, better get some rest. It’s been an overly exciting evening.” As Senra prepared her bed for sleep, Viper dismissed himself from her room in an unhurried gait.

As soon as he was out of sight, his strides turned more purposeful as he headed to his metal room. He would need a few things from there if he was going to successfully “borrow” Nikki for the job he was planning.

He waited in his chamber until all was silent in the Angel Club, and he was sure everyone, including Senra, was asleep. He spent the time making small irregular shaped chunks of metal bounce in a comical procession a foot in the air in front of him. Two of the pieces were in the middle of leap frogging over each other in midair when he made them freeze. He took slow shallow breaths and sat up, listening. All was quiet.

He stood up unfurling the spiky door, and stepped outside, checking that no one was around. In his hand, he had the tool he needed. He closed it quietly behind him and headed towards Senra’s room. But he walked right past it, continuing down the stairs and outside into the night.

He circled the building until he stood outside the window of the room where Nikki slept. He focussed on the lock and raised his hands like a conductor. He focussed on the metal latch which he had installed himself several years ago. He didn’t particularly like manual labour, and if he could use his mind to build it, he would. So he personally chose ferrous metal so that he could manipulate it into the shapes he wanted. It was a favour for his dear mother.

Now it was a convenient way to get into the spare room.

Under the guidance of Viper’s mind, the latch opened without so much as a squeak, rotating gently out of the catch. Although he was on the other side of the glass and several metres away so that he was less likely to be seen, his hands imitated the motion he would make if he had physically opened the latch.

Now he felt with his mind for the top and bottom edges of the window. He placed his hands one above the other, his palms facing each other. He imagined the window frame was firmly between his hands, and moved them carefully towards himself as if he was swinging it open. It shifted in its hinges and began sliding open.

When it was an inch open at the widest part, a high pitched screech rang out as the layers ground against each other. Viper hissed, and stopped, holding his breath. He stood frozen and listened for a count of thirty, but no one stirred. He breathed again and concentrated on the task. He shifted the window a fraction upwards on its hinges to minimise the friction. He was careful not to shift it so much that it would break off its hinges. He could do that all too easily.

This time, he slowly swung it all the way open with a mere whisper as the window slid over the frame. As soon as he had it open, he moved fast, taking the item he had collected from his metal room out of his inner jacket pocket. It was cuboid shaped, and the size of an average novel. He lifted it off his palm with his mind, letting it hover for a moment as he felt the weight of it. Then he pushed his hand in the air behind it, nudging it so that it floated to the open window and in.

This was the hard part. He had to navigate the object through the dark room without colliding with anything or hitting anyone. He shut his eyes, surrendering all of his senses to the metal box. With his vision out of the way, his psychic mind was able to sense the box more fully, but also the door handle, the window frame behind it, the iron table legs... he could sense the position and shapes of all ferrous metals in the room.

He sensed the position of the bed by the four sturdy feet. He couldn’t sense anything else, so it appeared to him in his mind’s eye as four stumps with nothing attached to them.

As his right hand moved the floating box into position in front of the bed, Viper raised his left hand and with it commanded the four bed posts to heed to his will. He imagined the bed as much smaller, only the size of his palm, and imagined its weight sitting comfortably there. Then he took a breath and pushed all four posts up with his mind.

It was strenuous work, and it showed as his eyebrows furrowed, eyes closed tight, with his jaw set in grim concentration. Gradually, the bed began to lift off the ground, mattress, frame, sleeping girl and all. Viper made it suspend about thirty centimetres off the ground, and then began swaying it from side to side, being careful not to tip it so much that Nikki would fall off the bed. Creating just enough movement to wake her...

Viper heard a gasp, and felt an additional irregular force acting on the bed. Nikki had woken up. He quickly held the bed steady, and then set it down slowly. She would be quite confused now, and he worked to change that. He switched all of his attention to the box now, which would be visible from inside even in the partial light from the streetlights.

He felt the shape of the object in his mind, so familiar as it was one of his favourite personal items. He opened the lid and it drifted off easily, spinning steadily in the air next to the box, partly held by his mind, partly its own momentum. In the box was row after row of what appeared to be tiny buttons, but each was the head of a pin, as long as the gap between Viper’s thumb and forefinger. He could use his power to manipulate them so that some rose higher than others, allowing him to create any pattern he wished.

He held up both of his hands and his fingers moved as if he was typing in the air in front of him, or pulling at invisible strings attached to their tips. The words began to form smoothly through the selected pin heads smoothly sliding out of the box in a ripple.

Wanna play?

After a moment, he added a smiley face below the words. Viper heard a suppressed giggle from within and he smiled, opening his eyes. He bit his lip and closed his eyes again, allowing the pins to descend into the box before creating a new image – a bold arrow pointing towards the open window.

He waited for what seemed like a long while. Shifting his weight, he considered creating another message, then decided against it and held his position. The arrow was a clear enough hint, but perhaps she didn’t want to come after all. Perhaps she was too frightened of Senra to –

The squeak of metal on metal made him open his eyes, and the message in the pins was scrambled as he lost concentration. Nikki was climbing out of the window and had leant onto the window frame for support, which as what caused the sound.

When she saw him she grinned but he immediately placed a finger on his lips to hush her. He stepped carefully towards her and lifted a hand to help her down from the window. He kept the other hand raised to keep the pin box in the air. When Nikki was standing next to him, he made the box and its lid float back through the open window, and caught it smoothly in his hand. Then he gently shut and latched the window using his psychic powers.

When he turned to Nikki, who had been watching him with fascination, he looked her up and down. She was wearing jeans, a loose fitting navy blue t-shirt and a pair of worn out sneakers, which would do well enough for a breaking and entering mission.

Nikki moved closer to whisper. “Where are we going-”

“Shh. Not here.” Viper whispered back. He briskly stepped away from the window, tipping his head to indicate she should follow. He began heading towards his car which he had parked three blocks away. Viper moved quickly, and Nikki kept pace with him, even though she had to jog sometimes to do so. His grey car was parallel parked on the street in front of a grocery store. He went to the passenger’s side and unlocked the door. Nikki was peering down the street when he looked up.

“Hey,” he whispered, making her turn back to him. He gestured at the open door. She blinked at him for a moment, and smiled shyly, circling around the car from the front bumper to the passenger’s side. She climbed in and glanced up at him again then turned away to hide her smile.

Viper smiled a little as he shut the door and circled to the driver’s seat. He started the car and manoeuvred it expertly down the silent street.

“So where are we going?” Nikki asked again, giddy with excitement.

“Have you never snuck out of the house?” he said, replying with a question.

Nikki shook her head several times, her brown eyes wide open. Her expression betrayed an underlying anxiety. Viper knew not to pursue a dark past. “You’re going to have quite the initiation tonight, then,” he said with a cheeky grin. They drove out of the inner city and into the suburbs, driving up winding roads that curved gently left and right as they followed the hillsides. Identical houses gave way to grand estates, spaced out around the countryside. The lights from Viper’s car lit up the birch trees that lined the perfectly tarred roads. Nikki barely said anything, as she watched in awe at the trees zooming past, interspersed with looming gates which hinted at the wealthy dwellings within.

Nikki turned from the window to Viper. “Do you know someone who lives in one of these houses?”

He smirked. “Not exactly. No one who’d invite me over for tea and crumpets anyway.” He slid her a sideways glance. “You do know what you’re going to help me do, right?”

“Of course,” said Nikki instantly. She turned to the road, silent for a moment. “Ok, no I don’t. I mean, not really. What are we going to do?”

Viper couldn’t say a word until he had a hearty laugh at Nikki’s expense. She sheepishly waited for him to finish. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised with your tendency to throw yourself into unknown danger.”

She scoffed. “You’re not really-”

“Girl,” said Viper darkly. “I’ve got ‘unknown danger’ written all over me,” When Viper checked her response, he saw that he hadn’t frightened her. In fact, her expression of deep fascination had intensified. Viper turned to the road, pretending he hadn’t noticed. “But since you’re curious, and the plan involves needs you to cooperate, I’ll be frank with you. We’re going to steal something.” Viper took a left turn down a road which was suddenly devoid of streetlights.

Nikki bit her lip. “Ok...”

“We need to get to a safe. Usually I would be the one to shift it so that we can work on opening it at our leisure later, but this safe isn’t magnetic. My powers will have no effect on it.”

“You want me to... melt it?” asked Nikki.

“Bingo.”

Nikki shifted in her seat, as her nerves made themselves known. Twice she opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak. Viper took no notice, as his focus was now on the road ahead. He was constantly glancing left, right and in his rear view mirror.

When he spoke again, it was with a vacancy of feeling that reflected his split attention. “Not to mention,” he said in a low tone, slowing the car, “We have to get all this done and you back in bed before Senra knows you’re even gone...”

Nikki began to wake up to the stakes that they were up against. And to the fact that the entire thing depended on her. She balled her right hand in a fist and moved her thumb rapidly in the gaps between her fingers, left to right, and back again.

“Viper, I don’t know if-”

“Here we are.” Viper’s voice was even lower, and Nikki jumped, looking ahead at where his light beams shone. There was no house visible, just a thick hedge in front of them. Standing between the car and the hedge was Sty who turned to face them, but he wasn’t alone. Next to him was one of the biggest men she had ever seen, three slim men who looked like copies of each other, and a horse-faced man about the same height and build as Sty. they also turned to stare in their direction.

Apparently, they were all waiting for her. 

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, that it has taken me so long to get to this. Had some other reviews, that I needed to get done, so I had to put this on hold for a few days. Hope you don't mind! And it's totally not a big chore digging deep for stuff to help you out on, cause I'd rather review works like this, as I believe it helps me critique my own works much better. So yeah, on to the review.

So my first thought was, wait! Where's my Alexia and Graham! *cries softly* Hurry up and post the next chapter with them in it, caaause I gotta see that scene, where they argue. Hehe, I always enjoy a full blown out fight. *turns to Nikki, Viper and Senra*

Yeah, right off I was hold on a sec...Sneaking out of the Angel Club with Viper, is not the same as sneaking out your everyday home. I'm like, geez Nikki.. Can't you see that you're just being totally used right now? By just about everybody?

What I really liked, was the way you portrayed Senra. Like Traunt said, she's obviously not as kind and gentle as she is acting. Viper, who knows her, could see that quite easily. I'm not sure if Nikki is comfortable with her yet, but I know that she'll find out soon enough. Senra's not going to be able to use her without Nikki wising up to her plans and at least fighting back a little. At least I would hope so. I know Nikki might be crazy enough to make a deal with them, in order to insure that her father gets punished enough. But don't mind my speculations, as I'm just staring at this magnificent story and watching the plot unfold. Let's hope I don't get something too majorly wrong! or else... *cowers down and covers face with hands* I'm just going to stop with the speculating and see how you work this plot out. :P

Senra’s eyes never left Nikki, and they were wide with wonder... no, greed.


Here I don't exactly appreciate the ellipsis that you have here. Normally an ellipsis represents a trailing off, but here I think you'd want to go an almost complete stop or break in the line. So why not use a dash instead, that will represent that break in the sentence better?

Viper saw the way Senra grasped her leathery hands around Nikki’s wrist as she guided her to an adjoining room


Doesn't Nikki try and at least pull away a little? I mean, somebody like Nikki I wouldn't think would just let this old woman (especially one with leathery hands) just handle her like that. I mean, I most certainly wouldn't, and I somehow doubt that Nikki would. Just a thought.

Senra would have sooner uprooted the house where Nikki had been and bring it to herself,


Bring it to herself? Somehow that doesn't seem quite right to me. How about just get rid of that to?

Suggestion

“Now that we've got the girl, what do you suggest we do about this Psychic Circle group?”


Just a suggestion. Change these to this maybe?

He felt the shape of the object in his mind, so familiar as it was one of his favourite personal items.


Alright, this is just a silly nitpick of mine, but I had to voice my opinion on this. xD Matter of opinion right now, I think.

When you're familiar with something, it's generally because you've seen, heard, or felt it before, and you have memorized everything about it. Correct me if I'm wrong please, but he only just picked up that box, right? And he got too familiar with it, in too short a time. At least that's what I think. I was in this totally awkward discussion with my music teacher the other day, about piano and the keys and all that, and he's just ramming into my head that if you don't practice enough on this one piece then you won't be able to play it well enough, because you won't be familiar with it enough. I hope that's a good example. I hope that makes a bit of sense, and if it doesn't then feel free to ignore this. Just think that if he's going to be familiar with something in his mind, then he should have some time to familiarize himself with the object. :)

She was wearing jeans, a loose fitting navy blue t-shirt and a pair of worn out sneakers,


Hang on... did Senra had her get in bed with her shoes on? Nowhere could I find a spot where it says that she put on her shoes, so I'm assuming that it was just a slight mishap or something? xD (I looove sleeping in my clothes and shoes. Nikki isn't alone right now) All the same, I'd fix that. Not a big deal though.

What I'm just not understanding now, is why Nikki is actually going along with this stealing thing. I mean, I thought she was somebody who might stand up for the right stuff! I'm missing something about her though, and I know it's coming sooooon. I can just smell it, with you know, my physic powers.

And neeeeeeeeeexxxt that is coming up... Graham and Alexia! Omigosh, I'm like so totally confused right now, when it comes to Alexia. Well, her and her relationships with Jake and Graham. At first I thought it was Graham, then I thought it was probably Jake (Jake's awesome, btw), and then I'm back to Graham! I mean, you made it seem in the last chapter that Graham was pretty upset with Alexia and they were going to get in some rousing fight that I would just fall in love with. It's quite humorous how we love the scenes when the characters are in the most emotional state of mind, eh? ;) I know I do.

Looking forward to more, and sorry if this review wasn't that helpful. There's like three awesome-ish reviews on this work already...

Keep writing!

~Cricket

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review

Hello, hello, hello. And what've we got 'ere then?

Sorry. It's my British way of saying hello! It's actually a stereotypical bobby or police man's way of saying hello. Hee hee.

May I apologize for not reviewing this on Review Day. I was out most of the day. It is just typical that I am busy for such an important day. So, in favour in missing this, I am giving you a special Late-Review Day review.

So, I felt as if this chapter told me a bit more about Senra as a person. All those queries I had about her seem to have been somewhat answered. Per exampler, when we learnt about the Crystal, I was questioning the fact that Senra was greedy for power, that she obviously wanted to get hold of this unknown source and not just delve into it without having complications. I feel as if Senra only cares about herself and what she wants, that is why she is trying to get around Nikki, especially when you said "cooed".
What made me interested was how different she reacted with Viper. Where is the maternal instinct? She almost seemed completely heartless towards him, no wonder he can be sour at times. It seemed a bit odd to me. Or maybe she is just completely heartless. I don't know. But I found it all very interesting to read about. Maybe you will explain later why Senra is so mean towards him. But I did feel a pang of empathy towards him. Poor Viper. (And I'm not just saying that because he is awesome. Hee hee).

I love the fact that Viper has an alternative plan from his mother. I can see why he is not completely loyal towards her, who would be if she was so cruel? But it is easy to understand why he is doing such a thing. I mean, selfish mother, helloooo. She's a bad example for him. I'm not surprised that he is just as mischievous and intent on doing what he wants. It is actually quite sad to see when people inherit such awful qualities. I guess evil is his middle name just like his mother-dearest (pfffft).
And I adore how you have written how Viper's power works. I think it is an awesome reflection of being able to manipulate metal. It is like you have give a whole new light to this often used power. And that is not an easy thing to do. You are really clever when writing this, you never cease to amaze me with your new perception of things.

Senra continued as she pulled the sheets off the small bed to replace them with fresh ones.

I know this sounds awfully strange, but... where did the old sheets go? :D I just imagined her dumping on the floor or something. I just felt there was a gap in her actions here. It felt as if you jumped from her pulling off old sheets and miraculously pulling out and putting on new ones.

He knew that if his retrieval of Nikki had been unsuccessful, Senra would have sooner uprooted the house where Nikki had been and bring it to herself, than let such a prize out of her grasp. Reason had almost nothing to do with it.

After "herself" there isn't a comma needed. I tried pausing at the comma, but it just didn't sound quite right. I know this be one if those things, but I feel as if it isn't needed.

She folded a corner of the sheets, and guided her to the bed with a hand on Nikki’s back. A gesture of affection from the outside, but it was really a signal of control... Senra tucked her in, and Nikki nodded and made no protests. A warm, clean bed was more than she had had in weeks, and she quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.

When did Nikki get into the bed? I just put into the quote Nikki's actions, but never did I read her clambering into bed. Again with the jump in actions.

Senra stepped away, and closed the parting curtain between Nikki’s bed and her own space with her queen sized bed draped in a green and red silk cover.

I know you said that Nikki fell into a deep sleep, but neither Senra nor Viper know that she is in a deep sleep - after all, she could be pretending. Yet they are having a full blown conversation about the plans for her even though there is a mere curtain between Nikki and them.

He kept his calm, because the next part was crucial to his plan.

Was it that he told Senra that Nikki couldn't do anything/didn't have any other powers? Just want to make that clear.

He focussed on the lock and raised his hands like a conductor. He focussed on the metal latch which he had installed himself several years ago.

A bit of redundancy my dear friend. "Focussed" is used twice ;)

Nikki turned from the window to Viper. “Do you know someone who lives in one of these houses?”

He smirked. “Not exactly. No one who’d invite me over for tea and crumpets anyway.” He slid her a sideways glance. “You do know what you’re going to help me do, right?”

This is hilarious xD I love it when people include a bit of humor into their work. It livens it up a lot.

Great chapter! It was so interesting. Every time I read another chapter, the more I fall in love with your work. It just gets better and better.

Yours sincerely,
Traunt

Woohoo! Welcome to chapter 19! And I see your British quirks hehe

You're right about Senra, she is quite selfish and is mainly concerned with Nikki to meet her own ends. The motherly act was fake, and when she spoke to Viper, that was her back in her normal mode. I did want the reader to be able to observe their interactions and nod, like "Yes, that explains why Viper's like that." Glad you liked his power display! I was wondering if I had spent too long on that. I think this is the longest single running scene I have written in this book so far, because of that power display.

I will work on the continuity of the actions. You have a point about Senra and Viper's convo behind the curtain as well. I will either modify it so they talk in more hushed tones, or talk in a different room altogether.

The line about the part that was "crucial to his plan" was I think what I added as a dramatic way of letting the reader know that he was planning something devious. I'll rework it so that it either refers to something specific, or just rephrase it completely.

I'm glad you liked it overall! I'm just over the 30,000 word mark in my goal of 50,000 words, so I feel like I'm over the hump. Thank you for hanging on for the ride, and I hope to get more of your honest feedback to help me write a worthy ending :-D

Cheers!

Sorry for not replying to this!!!

Yeah. I though she was. Poor Viper! No, the power display was awesome :3 I really liked it!

;) hee hee. Well, we don't want Miss Nikki listening in.

You don't have to change it. You know what I'm like xDD do whatever you think is best. If the others understand it then its fineee.

That's great!!! I wonder how long Truant is *wonders*. You have done really well. You deserve to treat yourself to some chocolate. Hee hee. I love PC so much. I'm gonna carry in right through until the end. <3

:)

User avatar
anonymousx
Review

Hey, etherealamber. Happy Review Day from the Wicked Squids! I hope you're having a good one and making our team lots of points! Let's get this piece of work out of the green room, shall we? I wasn't able to read the other chapters so I'll simply review on how well I believed it flowed and minor technical issues within the chapter. I'm not the best in the world when it comes to grammatical issues or punctuation but I'll post what I think didn't look right to me and if it is supposed to be written like that, then just ignore me.

"He waited in his chamber until all was silent in the Angel Club, and he was sure everyone, including Senra, was asleep." I feel like this sentence had too many punctuation marks. It my just be me but I don't think it flowed as well as it could. I think I would have written like: He waited in his chamber until all was silent in the Angel Club and when he was sure everyone was asleep, including Senara.

"So he personally chose ferrous metal so that he could manipulate it into the shapes he wanted. It was a favor for his dear mother." I'm not really a fan of starting a sentence with the word 'So'. I think it takes something away from the impact of that entire sentence unless it's within a conversation. If you remove the word 'so' it becomes " He personally purposefully chose ferrous metal so that he could manipulate it into the shapes he wanted. It was a favor for his dear mother."

"Gradually, the bed began to lift off the ground, mattress, frame, sleeping girl and all. " This sentence just read a little weird to me. It didn't flow nicely in my opinion and although I understood every word you meant, I think it could be rearranged to sound just a little bit better.

Other then the things I mentioned, it looks like you also got a review from someone on the opposing team. They mentioned the other things that I missed while I was reading. Anyways...good chapter! Keep going and happy review day :)

P.S. just realized you have written the word favor incorrectly unless your going for a different tone of voice by pronouncing the word "Favour" instead.

Thanks for your review!

I write in British English, and "favour" is the correct spelling there. Confusing, I know.

Thanks for the tips! I agree with the rest of your points and will save your review for my rewrite.

Cheers!

User avatar
KatGirl
Review
KatGirl wrote a review · Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:38 pm

I've read something sort of like this except it was based off of Wiccan Culture, it's a series called SWEEP, and they did circles like you wrote in here. Honestly, I could barely find any nitpicks in here, the storyline seemed pretty good.

Senra’s eyes never left Nikki, and they were wide with wonder... no, greed. Viper had brought her straight to Senra on the night he took her from the Psychic Circle.


When I read the "and they were wide with wonder.. no, greed" it seemed awkward to word it that way. You could keep it the same, or revise it.

He started the car and manoeuvred


I think you meant maneuvered?

[quote].they also turned to stare in their direction.[quote]

This is a beginning of a sentence, so you'd capitalize "they"



The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill