Viper tapped a bullet on the arm of his iron chair. He lost himself to the rhythmic ringing sound. When he needed to think, he surrounded himself with metal. He had made this chair himself, from pieces of a wrecked car during a junkyard raid. It curved like a wave, allowing him to sit comfortably in a partially reclined position. It was asymmetrical, one arm was longer than the other, and it curved left smoothly to the ground, so that only his left leg could rest on it while his right was bent at a ninety-degree angle on the ground. Hell, he wasn’t an architect, this chair was moulded to the shape of his body by using his abilities. But these days, the asymmetry would be considered super modern and stylish. Not that Viper cared.
The entire room was filled with metal objects twisted into unrecognisable forms. Many were remnants of his worst days immortalised in iron ore. The door was a mesh of vicious spikes which no one dared to try and remove. There was no door handle.
Viper exhaled through his lips and released the bullet, letting it drop 15 centimetres in the air and making it stop there. He rotated his thumb in the air above it, and it spun below, imitating the motion precisely.
Nikki was a problem. She appeared and disappeared from his life at will, and it unnerved him. When they lost her (Sty’s explanation of why he let her go was utterly unsatisfactory) he came straight to his iron room and ordered Sty to inform his Senra. He certainly wasn’t going to be the bearer of bad news; he still remembered the headache from the last time when he told her that her bridge club had voted her out on grounds of cheating. Which was true.
Viper thought about Sty’s account of what happened again. Nikki hadn’t been alone when she left. There was another girl, a red head who had helped her. There was someone else with them who provided them with a getaway car. How many others, he didn’t know.
He didn’t know if Senra’s premonition was true or not, but it didn’t matter. When Senra wanted something or someone this badly, people suffered if they didn’t get it to her. So he was going to track Nikki down. But something else motivated him besides his mother’s rage. Aside from himself and Sty, there were no other psychics in the Angel Club. Sure, Bulk had his weight shifting value, and the triplets had their talents making valuable things disappear and reappear in the Angel Club coffers; and no place was too high to climb for Ace. But psychics were simply more superior.
Viper stood up and he let the bullet drop. Prophesy or not, Nikki could be useful to them. After all, she sought him out; perhaps she saw that they could work together in future heists.
He strode to the door and stretched his hand forward, and the spikes bent inwards to the will of his mind. He entered the bar and scanned for Sty. As soon as he Sty noticed him, he hurried to Viper.
“The boss lady is pissed Viper. She wants that girl bad.”
“You don’t have to tell me, I know her well enough.” Viper gripped Sty’s shoulder and made him walk with him away from the others in the bar. “You caught the plates of that car, Sty?”
“Yeah, boss, sure.”
“Can you get a wolf on the trail?”
Sty thought for a moment. “Wolves are generally further south this time of year. But I can manage a hawk, I think.”
“That will do. Get on it, and tell the others to get ready for a manhunt.” Viper said before returning to his quarters.
Sty grimly made his way to the back door and out into the night. He scanned the night sky – not with his eyes, he had poor night vision, but with his mind. Then he found her; an accipitrine hawk whose hunting grounds were not far from him. She was gently and silently hovering when Sty took over her mind. She fought it less than she had in previous times he had possessed her mind. The only indication of the change was a moment when she free fell a few feet in the sky before steadying, and her eyes changed from deep black to sharp grey. Sty made her swoop down in wide circles, then smaller and smaller ones as she descended. She landed on his arm and looked up at him. He looked at himself through her eyes, an experience he had always found fascinating. Every pore of his pockmarked face was visible. Sty’s vision was terrible, but this hawk’s vision was flawless.
He made her turn around and focus on the skid marks the getaway car had made on its way out. Then he made her take flight and follow the subtle signs showing which way the car had been heading.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
They're both quite the character though, and I'm sooo glad you brought Viper back in.
I'm going to cry. Viper is back, yes... but there's hardly any nitpicks! xD
For starters, I love how you presented Viper in this one. Even though his mother isn't technically in it, her influence is still there, and it's definitely influencing him! I never really thought about it, or guessed it, but she appears to be the head of them all, yes? The Angel Club that is. Sounds strange that she would be, except that she appears to be the most powerful, or at least the most experienced of them all.
Although I prefer Graham and Jake. Oh, yeeeesss... Jake!My favorite bit of this though, was to be honest, the description in the first paragraph. Er, well when it comes to writing style and such. I'm sorry, but your characters are just waaaayyy to awesome to be put down by mere description.
Anyway, as I was saying... the description of his chair was sooo flowing, and well-- rather prosish in parts! Writing a description all flowing and prosish is like my favorite. It always puts a visual very clearly in my head, but that might just be me. Like Magenta advised, the sixth sentence could use a wee bit rephrasing, but that's really it for the description part. It was simply amazing!
Unnecessary word there.
I thought I'd pull this out and comment on it. It seems like a bit of a note to me. Like it was thrown in there, to make sure you don't forget it in the future. So yeah, in the final draft I think it should be expanded on, as I'm not entirely sure what you're alluding to. xD
Two spots that I pulled out, both from two different paragraphs, but are adjoining as they go directly into each other. The transition between the two, seemed a bit sudden. Like you need to have something in there, that would help with the flow. Perhaps something along the lines of some sort of description of him moving something, or maybe him seeing something in the room? Not entirely sure what it should be, but I definitely think there should be something there.
Just had a slight nitpick here. I'd suggest getting rid of that semi-colon there. Semi colon's are used for a very distinct purpose, and that's to separate two ideas in the sentence that relate very closely to each other. I think that's how it is at least. But you should never use a semi-colon, when a comma will do just as good a job. It will do a better job if called upon to do so. Commas flow better, and read better to the eye.
I'd say get rid of that word, so that the real impact of the phrase could be focused on. That one word just seemed to ruin it, but when I imagined it without the word, it seemed sooo super.
After this, make a small comment on the noise of the bullet dropping. Will add more to the effect of it all, in the long run.
Hehehehe, more like a womanhunt!
I spy some redundancy! xD I don't often see redundancy with you, but when I do... I'm like OMG!! That did not just happen... she never has redundancy!
Alright, so for my overall, I'd say I liked this chapter fairly well. I mean, Viper is one of my favorites and stuff, but nothing can beat Alexia and Jake in my opinion. They're all just absolutely amazing! Your characters, that is. Whenever I read through this, I always get the impression that I'm in my own separate world, but there are characters that I'm just watching and learning from. And while I feel separate from them, I feel like I am them! Like I understand that character perfectly, and why they are doing what they're doing. It's really quite a cool feeling to be honest. Keep it up, as this is amazing!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hi Cricket!
Thank you for your awesome review! I actually can't wait for you to read 15 now, anxious to see what you think!
Arg, the redundancy... I would say that I owed a favour to the secretary of the Department of Redundancy Department, but that would be the easy excuse (also not true, she owes me a favour). I shall simply apologise and say it won't happen again *runs in panic to check next chapter*
Viper's mother... well, I see Viper as the criminal leader, while Senra's power is respected and feared by the Angels, meaning she can interfere with their affairs to meet her own ends, much to Viper's annoyance and reluctant compliance. This can be one of their main tension points, and I can lay that down more in previous chapters. She has her own agenda which she doesn't feel is necessary to share with lesser mortals lol. Lesser mortals will have to wait until future chapters to find out her plans. (JOKES. I do not call my readers lesser mortals!!)
About Viper's power, I mentioned in the warehouse scene many a chapter ago that he can only move magnetic iron, not all metals. I think I was trying to reinforce that aspect of his character when I mentioned it.
I agree with you about sentence flow, my mindset was like "Woops, I've been going on about furniture for awhile, better get back to plot before it becomes a decor catalogue." Hehehe... I think I get what you mean about how to smooth it out, will try a couple things.
Thanks again for your review and fandom! You help give me the drive to throw new chapters out quicker so I can get more of your generous compliments
Hello. Magenta here to write a quick review!
The Psychic Circle? Interesting title, I must say. And interesting names as well. I openly admit to having not read the previous chapters in this novel. Sorry
Viper? Hmmm... I haven't heard that name before. So, I basically copied your first paragraph into my review. I have only a couple of nitpicks in your entire story, but I'm here to try and write a lengthy review for you. Firstly, the second sentence is in need of a comma after the word "rhythmic". I must also comment on the sixth sentence in this paragraph. It's long and confusing. I really had to think when reading this sentence. You've also made use of "the ground" in this sentence twice. I simply suggest changing this sentence a bit. I would also recommend you use a semicolon after the word "architect" in the seventh sentence.
I shall continue with this paragraph. I'm usually not this nitpicky, but this is review day and I do want to help. You have great writing from what I have read. I would advise you in taking out "through his lips" in the first sentence. It sounds different. I don't find that it adds to the sentence and I also don't see someone exhaling through their lips. They would exhale through the mouth. But this is me being extremely picky.
I hope that my review helped. I think that this is very well-written and I hope to see some more of your writing in YWS. Hope your enjoying review day!
~ Magenta
Yes! I am finally here as commanded! ^^
Two nitpicks:
This should be "ninety-degree".
This should be "junkyard".
And that's all... Ether! This is too perfect!
So, I have a few little things to say like... yay! Viper is back! Woo-hoo! *jumps up and down*. My obsession with minor characters is highly disturbing. Though I do like reading about the doing ons with Nikki and Alexia. You have a large variation of interesting characters. I'll give you that. I can't say: "Oh, so-and-so is just like so-and-so", because all your characters are unique, just like real life. Sure, we have similar traits, but we aren't like robots - we don't look exactly alike and we don't speak the same or have the same interests. You've really displayed how real life is - even though this is fiction, it has to be relatable or your reading begins to form a dislike for your characters ... and you don't want them to be Mary Sue's now do you? (Hee hee) I said it previous about how I like your characters having limitations. You really do have a knack when it comes down to displaying realism.
The only really thing I think you could have done was display Sty's powers earlier on. I know your chapters are only short, but I wish you had hinted that Sty could control and see through the eyes of animals. It just seems a bit of an info dump if you suddenly tell us about this. Maybe when Sty confronts Nikki he could have had some form of an animal with him, but because he's scared of her they run off? Or maybe you could give him an animal companion to follow him around everywhere? That could be a big hint as to his powers. It is just a suggestion though.
I really liked how Viper has his own personal Think-Room. It reflects what kind of person he is... especially with the spiked door. I wouldn't like to be ordered to fetch him. It would hurt
It is shorten that usual but practically this chapter is perfect! (I'm not just say that cos Viper is in it... hee hee)
From your loyal fan,
Traunt
I am always so humbled by your fandom Traunt
Once again you ask key questions, of which it is my solemn duty to answer.
Foreshadowing! I hear even the great writers have to go back in subsequent drafts to layer in the foreshadowing. So I will certainly note in my rewrite that I need to drop hints about what Sty can do. Embarrassing confession, round about the time I was writing that Sty and Viper are the only psychics in Angel Club I had a moment of "What was Sty's power again?" hehe, thankfully the original brainstorm notes were available for me to reference.
You've given me a few ideas though. He could have his main animal companion, and then he "borrows" wild animals from time to time.
As for the bar... I wanted to make it exclusive to criminal types, both psychic and non. Viper wants to make his unit more powerful by recruiting psychics though. And I need to work on the architecture of the place too. I was indecisive about the design, and that was obvious for the reader even hehe... I need to sit and think about how the place must be designed in a way that makes sense to work for their needs...
Anyway, working on the next basement scene! As usual will let you know when it's cooked.
XOXO
Ether
Thanks for clearing that up ^^ I'm glad to be of help.
See you soon!