When Alexia entered the basement, Casey had taken her position in the centre, ushering everyone to the edges of the room. “You guys need to back up, or I will hurt you.” She said in a matter-of-fact tone. Alexia still had a scar that showed that she meant what she said.
“Casey, wait, let’s have some order to the madness shall we?” Alexia said, and was rewarded with an impatient glare from Casey. Alexia ignored the look and carried on talking. “Casey, since you’re clearly going to go first, explain to Nikki what your power is, and then carefully demonstrate it.”
Casey shrugged and turned to Nikki. “I’m an Outer, meaning my mind affects matter. I can move small objects with my mind.” Then without hesitation she stretched out her left hand towards a shelf, and a can of mosquito repellent was flung off seemingly of its own accord.
Naomi squealed and everyone ducked as it headed in Casey’s direction. Wide-eyed, she ducked out of the way, and it flicked Hanson’s ear before bouncing off the wall behind him.
Alexia stood up with a gasp. “Casey that was not what I meant by carefully!”
Casey looked sheepish for once but was unapologetic as usual. “Well, y’all were warned, I said I’ve been getting better! So stay out of my way.” She glanced at Nikki for a millisecond when she said the last sentence.
Alexia sighed in frustration at the continued hostility towards a new member, especially when Casey herself was so eager to get accepted when the Psychic Circle began.
“Why didn’t you move the can away from you?” Unexpectedly, Nikki spoke up, and everyone immediately turned to her.
Casey blinked, as if seeing Nikki for the first time. Up until this moment, she had not addressed her directly. Clearing her throat, Casey responded. “My powers are limited to controlling stationary objects. Once it starts moving, my powers are cancelled out by the momentum of the object’s trajectory.” Casey watched Nikki closely and saw that she nodded with understanding and fascination. Casey stood a little taller, with the unmistakable air of pride in her posture. As much as she made a show of proving that she didn’t need anyone’s approval, it seemed she revelled in it when she received it.
“Hanson is also an Outer and his powers are telekinetic too,” Alexia further explained to Nikki, “But his seem to work only on objects with a certain amount of kinetic energy already. Hanson?”
Casey stepped aside to reveal a squirming Hanson, seeming to shrink under the attention. He timidly picked up the can from where it had landed, and threw it gently into the air. He narrowed his eyes up at it, focussing his breath, and before it began to fall again, it responded by floating slightly further upwards than the initial force of the throw would have permitted. Then it dropped to the ground with a clatter.
“Oh Hanson, don’t be such a show off.” Casey said with a sarcastic grin. She turned to Nikki. “He can do a lot more than that.”
“I think it’s great! Especially in a game of golf.” Nikki said, with a cheeky grin. Everyone looked at her with their mouths open and then erupted with laughter. Alexia felt the tension easing for the first time. Even Jake couldn’t suppress a chuckle. Nikki had a few icebreakers up her sleeve, who knew?
“Ok, who’s next?” Alexia yelled after the hysteria had calmed down. She looked at Jake purposefully and his face darkened as he shook his head slowly. He was still in a mood.
Naomi boldly stepped forward to the centre of the room, oblivious of their exchange. “Well, as most of you know, and Nikki is about to learn, I’m an Inner, which means my power affects other minds. It’s not as showy as Hanson or Casey’s powers so it’s a bit tricky to demonstrate.” She put an index finger to her lip dramatically, and turned around the room slowly. “I will need a volunteer!” she pointed at Alexia, quite gleeful about her choice.
Alexia shook her head and smiled, stepping up to Naomi and standing a metre away while facing her. At the corner of her eye, Alexia could see Nikki watching them with her open curiosity.
Naomi winked at Alexia before turning to face Nikki. “I’m going to ask Alex to think of a random phrase and then think it to me. You see, I’m a low frequency mind reader. I pick up on other people’s surface thoughts. Alexia, if you may.” Alexia suppressed a giggle when Naomi accentuated her speech with exaggerated hand gestures, like a magician.
She quickly made a straight face and made eye contact with Naomi. She thought to herself for a moment, until she decided what phrase to think at her.
She decided on a nonsense phrase. Ok. Potato skins are skins of potatoes and no one knows it but me.
Naomi raised her eyebrows and let out a brief laugh, then shrugged and got serious. “Alright Alexia, I want you to say your thought out loud now.”
Alexia took a breath and began “Potato skins are skins of potatoes...” and Nikki spoke the words at the same time, not echoing her, but joining her in an in sync chorus of nonsense. “...and no one knows it but me.”
Nikki gasped and giggled, clapping her hands, and everyone else chuckled about the ridiculousness of the words. In the midst of it all, another unbidden thought came up to the front of Alexia’s mind.
I bet you’ll never have time to cook your baked potato for me, Mum.
“I bet you’ll never-“ Naomi began echoing her thoughts. Alexia panicked and sent an urgent thought back. Don’t say that!
Naomi shut her eyes in a wince. She hadn’t braced herself for the intensity of Alexia’s urgent thought. Alexia quickly glanced around at the others. Thankfully no one had noticed. She turned back to Naomi. Sorry. Naomi gave her a weak smile of forgiveness. She walked away back to Nikki’s side, who immediately began asking questions enthusiastically. Alexia composed herself, aware of the warmth rising in her face and knowing that her skin was looking closer to the shade of a tomato at this point. The Psychic Circle didn’t have to know about her absent mother.
“Ok Jake, you’re up.” Alexia said briskly, eager to move on. Jake was seated on a box under a wall where the tools were hung. He was leaning against the wall in a relaxed stance, but stiffened when Alexia addressed him.
He cleared his throat. “My power has stage fright today, I can’t seem to summon it.” He said. Alexia noticed his glance in Nikki’s direction. He had never been so intimidated by anyone before.
“Fine.” Alexia said, crossing her arms and losing her patience with him. She turned to Nikki. “I guess I’ll do mine. I’m an Inner, and my power is communicating. I can send signals to multiple people but these are like sirens, and I can’t articulate words using them. We have decided on a code though, which can enable us to tell one signal from another, defined by the urgency.” She moved to the centre of the room. “I used such a signal to call the Circle together when I met you.”
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. On her exhale, she Blasted to everyone in the room to which they all simultaneously winced and lowered their heads.
“Jeez Alexia! Thanks for the migraine.” Casey snarled. Alexia ignored her and looked at Nikki to gage her reaction. But Nikki seemed like the least affected, simply blinking a few times, as if clearing her eyes of mist.
“So that’s us Nikki. See? Nothing to be afraid of.” Alexia said, referring to Nikki’s reaction when entering the basement. “Now, would you like to introduce yourself and show us your powers?”
The room was quiet as everyone focussed on Nikki again. Her expression dropped and she fiddled with her fingers, her right hand unconsciously tugging on her little left finger. “I...” she fell silent and looked down.
Naomi jumped in. “It’s ok Nikki, if you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to-”
“No. I will speak. My name is Nikki Br-“ she took a deep breath, “Brown. I ran away from home and have been living on the streets for two months now.” She paused to observe their reactions. Casey and Hanson glanced down to avoid eye contact, Jake was unmoving, and Alexia and Naomi has similar expressions – Alexia’s of pity and Naomi’s of a fierce compassion. Nikki continued. “My powers... I want to tell you that I don’t want to show them to you, but that would mean you’d trust me even less. So I will tell you.”
She saw Casey and Hanson exchange nervous glances. “When I touch people, I make them feel what I feel. It’s similar to Alexia’s thought transference, but I pass on pure emotion.” said Nikki.
Casey let out a snort. “That sounds like the most butterflies and bunnies power out of all of us. Feelings? You turn people into your own personal diary?”
Nikki faced her. “All I feel is pain. What I’ve been through-” she shook her head as her bottom lip trembled. “I have to hate you to make you feel what I feel.” Casey’s eyes narrowed but she kept her mouth pursed shut and crossed her arms.
Alexia walked up to Nikki. “Ok, we understand. Now, what can we help you with? I promised to help you in that bathroom, remember?”
At this, Nikki straightened up, and a passion lit up her eyes like an explosive flame. “I want you to come with me to my father.” Everyone, even Jake looked at her curiously. Nikki was glad she had their attention this time. She wasn’t aware that her hands clenched into fists
“I want you to help me punish him.” She said without a shadow of doubt.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Guess I'll have to wait till the next chapter with her in it, as I'm now I'm just super excited to read more.
Yup, this is my favorite chapter so far. I know I said that like two chapters ago, and I'm probably just saying every time I read a new one, but it's totally true!
My reasoning for saying that this is my favorite chapter so far, would be the display of power shown by each. Even though I just met these new characters and haven't really learned much about them personally, their little talk and display of powers in the basement seemed to make them seem real to me, but still powerful. (if you get my meaning, that is xD)
What I'm really curious about is Nikki's last bit of dialogue here. CLIFFHANGER?!?!? Ahem, that's sooo not fair. I was just reading along, happy as you please, when I read that, and then it ENDS. HOW. DARE. YOU.
Nikki doesn't seem as happy as I am at the moment though. I'm kinda wondering about her and Jake really. He is in intimidated by her, yes, but why soooo much? It's like it was a date and his girlfriend said something rude about his hair. Boy just sulked about it, for AGES. Either she did something that I'm not aware of, (other than say something rude to him, of course) or you have something serious up your sleeve.
Leaves the plot to the masterAll I can say is that, I sure hope there's a yelling match coming up between the two, as I want to just watch that one. That would be utterly hilarious and just really cool for the two characters. xDHere I think you need to add a wee bit of description. Just something along the lines of showing maybe her cracking her knuckles or her face and shoulders are tightening. I got the impression from the dialogue that she wanted to be seen as tough, but not from the overall picture.
Personally I would have preferred a larger object to be used for this demonstration of power. Something that would have cause a greater impact on my mind. I'm thinking that you might have just been brainstorming or something like that when you wrote this part. Cause a bottle of mosquito repellent won't cut it in the end, I don't think. xD
I don't think those words are necessary.
No caps on "blasted". If you want to emphasize it more, then place it into italics.
Overall, this was my favorite. (I've said probably four times now) Display of powers, and Jake throwing a fit. What more could I ask for?! There are a few spots here and there, where your general language could be fixed up in terms of flow and the like, but reading that aloud to yourself, will fix it. So yeah, I won't pull out everything I saw, as their aren't that many, and you could probably find them just by looking at the work carefully.
Other than that, this novel is just simply smashing so far! I cannot wait to read the next chapter, and WHERE'S VIPER? And his mother? *eyes next chapter* They're in it! Yay!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Viper is mine! *slinks off into shadows*
You have no idea what a nerd grin I have when you guys fight over a character that came out of my mind. If I ever start thinking that trying to get published is too hard, THIS is the moment I'll remember to keep me going! #screenshot &save :'-)
Ok, now that my tears of joy have subsided, ahem! You're not the first to comment that I held back on the level of power display in this scene. That's certainly a red flag... I'll have to workshop this scene again with that in mind.
Jake, I feel, has an underlying insecurity about his powers, and no one really calls him on the dubious nature of his abilities until Nikki's reaction. Hence the excessive sulking lol.
Thanks for the tips to sharpen the language. I do tend to wash out my wording with "seemed to" and "almost" etc. Those will be the first words to be CUT.
My devious cliffhanger plan worked hehehehe...
So this is interesting. I'll start at the beginning. The last sentence in the first paragraph needs work. Moving on Casey could have displayed her power using a stronger object. When displaying powers they need to have an impact. I felt hers was sad and weak. There was definetly jerkiness in the writing where some sentences could have used more and others could have used less. Description of how they display their power needs to be improved as a reader I'm not amazed or even drawn in for that matter. Another issue where are they? Even if you introduced it in the end of the last chapter you could still incorporate the where in this chapter as well. Alot of these characters powers were too close for them to be unique and I feel that hurts the story. I mean how can they aid one another in a situation if they're all doing similar or even exactly the same thing. Powers need to compliment one another. Give the reader something to hunger for. Supernatural stories need to have the it factor and I feel yours is lacking sadly. What makes this group a good thing? I didn't get a feel for where you're taking this story? What is the main characters need? The need drives the story and I couldn't find the drive in your writing and that turns me away a bit. Right before she proclaimed to need to punish the man it would have been a great moment to drive into the reader the why for it.
Hey, Etherealember! I'm back for more! This novel is too good to be ignored.
So, I have a few (More) questions to be answered hopefully in later chapters. Such as, do Hanson and Casey have some sort of bond because they're powers are similar? Can Naomi transfer her own thoughts into people's heads? Can Alexia some how break through/evolve her powers some how to send actual mind thoughts to people and not just sirens? How far can Jake push the limits? If someone is strong willed does that effect his powers and he won't be able to seduce them?
Okay, because I feel awful about starting with the nitpicks I'm going to start with the praise. I mean, after all this novel is just so fantastic, I've never got bored of reading it. Everyone's story is so interesting, Nikki with her unable-to-guess the extent of her power to Viper and his motives that could orbit around his mom. You never cease to miss interesting info about the characters - we're just learning about all the other characters at the moment, which is a nice touch to it. Y'know what I love about your characters? They have limitations. I mean, they're no Superman's, which is great (And I'm not just saying that because I'm not a big fan...) as things become more interesting when you see the character has things to work around, obstacles to get over. I really liked that. It made me smile. I'm glad they're not perfect because that means they're human and you can relate to them.
Thing I was wondering about was the Crystal. Now, you told us in the previous chapters that it is the power source so-to-speak of all abilities. But what I'm curious about is how do you get summoned? Do you get chosen to have a power at birth? When your teenage years begin? Sixteen? I'm really curious about that. It is also a big part of the world you created. You have given us the base and you have given us the outcome/or the top level, now we need the filling to concrete this together. Also, is the choice of the Crystal random or does it leech on the goodness in people? Hinting that Viper and his mother have some good in them? So many questions!
Boom! Wow. I was so wowed by this chapter. So, Casey can control stationary objects (telekinesis), Hanson can control moving objects (telekinesis), Naomi can make other people's thoughts come through other people in speech (telepathy), Alexia can send signals to people (telepathy), Nikki is able to transfer emotions from herself to others (Empathy) and Jake can seduce people to do his will (Persuasion/Charmspeaking). You can tell I know my powers well!
No, Nikki! No! Don't punish you father! ... Unless he's a bad man. Then, yeah! Punish the sucker! Okay, so I'm really curious as to why Nikki ran away. Did she not want to hurt her parents? Or were they the ones who made her feel all this pain? Is that why she wants them punished? I bet your getting tired of all these questions
I have seen Miss ThereseCricket is reviewing your work, and I don't hold a candle to her. She is the Nitpicking Master.
I especially like the descriptions in your work. I think Noelle mentioned it but you have a very sophisticated and grown-up aura about your work and that's good - I mean, some successful writers have answered the "What is your secret to YA novel?" and they've said: "I just wrote it how I would write. No need to think like a teen." and it's true. Have you read The Fault in Our Stars? Pftt. Half of the phrases and language in there I wouldn't use and say personally, but who cares? It's a number one best seller! You can tell John Green has wrote it, as there aren't many girls like Hazel. I haven't heard one girl go in to so much detail about the meaning of life. I've never met a boy who just puts a cig in his mouth but never lit it to prove a point. But teens now like that grown-up feel to it because they are "maturer" than their age, which either can be really sad or a pleasant surprise. And that's what I like about your novel, it is grown up, but unlike John Green's - the characters are relatable. It's a lovely read, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Your sincerely,
Traunt
Traunt!
And also give me great ideas of where to take it! Ok, so to tackle your questions... *roll up sleeves*
I love your questions! Mainly because they make me think of aspects of my story that I may not have gotten round to thinking about yet
Answers
This is one of the ones that I haven't yet considered in depth. You get the opportunity to witness a live brainstorming session!
Right, so I started off thinking of it as a vague sort of prophesy/destiny/The One type of storyline that I was so familiar with at the time I started writing. I liked the fact that an imperfect young person could be so important, which is why I've never gotten bored of that trope. But to explain the Crystal in my story, I'm thinking several factors could line up.
- She is the child of 2 psychics which would concentrate her abilities
- She has her primary skill which is transferring emotions, but there are others that seem to work through her, and she can't summon them at will or predict what they will do. This could be an indication that some greater external power is using her as a conduit, because like a lightening rod, she is the path of least resistance for those heightened powers to enter this realm. So it is simply a force, which doesn't see good or evil, but simply obeys the laws that govern it.
- Perhaps the Crystal is merely a tool used to access the Source of psychic power, like how a computer is used to access the internet, and Nikki is the only one who can access the "internet" of psychic power. And like the internet, she can connect others to it once she is connected. I am liking the analogy, because like the internet, the Source is merely a force/tool which obeys the laws that governs it, and doesn't differentiate between good or evil - but can be used by people for good or evil purposes.
Just answering your question has helped me progress my world building much further
As a matter of fact, I have had plans for those two for awhile...
I had to think about this for a bit... I think I pictured her transferring images and emotions... I will have to figure out if this includes sounds, scents, or words, or all of the above.
For this scene, I had him simply sulk out of it, giving the lame excuse of having stage fright. I think here he just was responding to an ego bruising hehe. But I will definitely think on his limitations. I believe his may be the most controversial power, which is why I think I've been holding back on displaying them...
For once I have an answer already for this! If you throwback to chapter one, I mention her father was extremely abusive. He's responsible for why she is messed up, and she believes the only way to feel better is to punish the source. How far does she want to go? I dunno, I'll have to ask her hehe.
Notes
Naomi doesn't make people talk, she simply reads their minds. The only way I could think to prove to other people that she was reading Alexia's mind was to have her say what was on her mind, and Naomi repeat those things as if they were coming from her own mind
I just noticed where I tripped over myself a bit... Alexia's power is defined as non-verbal, but it seems I've been having her verbalise thoughts to other people all along... Will have to rethink her power parameters...
I see your hints about Viper... hehe, may have to reorganise chapters to bring him back into play sooner than planned...
I haven't read Fault in our Stars, but I have heard many things about it, in fact only yesterday an 11 year old I know was giving me her review of it hehe. I'll get my hands on it and look out for the things you've mentioned
Thanks for your most stellar review yet!
I guess my new review style helped ^^
I think that's a great idea to discuss, maybe that's why the others aren't as powerful... I like that. That makes me ask more! G'aghhh. Must resist!
That's why she's so powerful!
Yay! Romance. Hee hee. Thanks for clearing this up! I really am excited!
You're welcome.
Hehe, don't hold back with questions, you can PM me any time if you prefer. But just taking it further, perhaps she needs to be the descendent of 2 psychic parents who themselves each had 2 psychic parents (ie, all four of her grandparents were psychic). That makes her existence even more unique and explains why the Source gravitates to her instead of any other psychics, because this particular genetic alignment is so rare. Boom! Plot hole filled.
Hee hee ^^ I will do!
Just want to butt in and say, yeah, her father is a bad man. In the first chapter, one of the emotions she transfers is his raping her.....