“Hey! Hey, you!”
Nikki froze. She didn’t dare to turn her face towards the mocking voices. “What’cha doin’ out here... on your own?” The devious male voice cackled and she heard their footsteps coming closer behind her. She was barely aware of the moist, dirty walls of the narrow alleyway. Her heart began to beat faster – she forced herself to breathe deeply and slowly.
He was so close now, she could feel his breath against her neck.
She felt the other gang members pressing into a circle around her, wide smirks plastered on their faces.
“You didn’t answer my question, Buttercup.“ His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, spinning her around. She gasped as she felt his iron grip. Slowly, she looked up and saw them. Dirty faces darkened by the poor light, with wicked grins that spoke only of their lack of mercy, grins that spread to their dull, bloodthirsty eyes.
Nikki’s breathing quickened and her eyes rolled to the sky as The Pain filled her once again.
“Hey! ANSWER ME!”
Nikki lowered her head closed her eyes for exactly a second, then opened them sharply and locked eyes with her assailant. “I know you, Eric. I know what you do to people” Her brain felt like a dark thick liquid swirling within her skull.
The boy flinched and recoiled involuntarily. “What is this? What are you do-“
She grasped his hand suddenly as he had done hers. Then she pressed her thumb into the centre of his palm, hard. The boy looked down at his hand, horrified at this unexpected turn. When he looked into her eyes again, any vulnerability had been replaced with hatred. A hatred that she knew very well.
He screamed. He screamed and she felt it running through her, like black blood. Everything came flooding back like a tide of misery with The Pain at the crest of the wave.
Her father was raping her again.
He was killing her mother in front of her innocent eyes.
Again she felt the premature baby rip itself from her being, deformed in her arms. Voices cackled and screamed, tormenting her.
Nikki let go of the boy. Slowly she opened her eyes to view the damage she knew she had caused.
Eric was kneeling on the ground, his arms grasping his chest. His eyes were rolled upwards and it was clear that he was having more than a little difficulty breathing. He dropped to his knees onto the grimy ground. The rest of his gang had backed up as fast as they could against the alley walls, their eyes flitting from Nikki to their leader, reflecting shock and horror in their widened pupils. She turned to flee.
“Wait... don’t go.” Eric looked up her, his lips trembling as he spoke, his voice broken by gasps. “I don’t w-want to be alone. I d-don’t wanna be hurt.” He was sobbing.
Nikki looked blankly at him. “I know,” she said hoarsely. “and nobody cares.” She ran down the alley as fast as she could, unstoppable tears streaming down her worn face.
Note: This is a story I wrote 12 years ago. I'm hoping to resurrect it, finish it, and polish it, now that I'm a little wiser with 12 years worth of new vocabulary!
End of chapter
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Interesting opening scene. I love how the first chapter begins with action, which is a good thing to draw people in. On to chapter 2.
Hello, ethereal!
I notice you kind of have a habit of putting spaces after your punctuation marks. Well, it might work out for you, but it kinda bugs me. Don't worry about changing your habits, just saying. If you consider my way, though, all the best for you. Next thing is, you say some thing about "The Pain". It's capitalized and all, with the extra effect of the eyes-rolling-back thing. Why? Has she felt it before? If so, what is it like?
"Nikki’s breathing quickened and her eyes rolled to the sky as The Pain filled her once again."
I feel like a lot of things have happened that haven't been explained. The flashback-it keeps saying the word "again". I haven't known anything about it until now. So, a few explanations please!
-wisegirl22
Hi Wisegirl!
Thanks for your review. All I can say was that I was a much more naive writer at the time, and I am actually going to overhaul this entire chapter in the rewrite.
So the "again" was designed as a hook to readers, so your questions about it were the exact response I was looking for. And hopefully your curiosity was piqued enough to keep reading and find out why The Pain was affecting her "again". In the rewrite I'll make sure it's more of a hook, instead of making you wonder whether or not I have forgotten to explain things
Thanks again
I guess I'll get hooked-if I can find time.
Love your reviewing style! Thank you very much for taking the time to hunt for bacon in my neck of the woods
Wow. Ok. Well, first "review" in, what? 2? 3 years? Well, it's been a while.
What I really loved about this chapter is how fast we get into the meaty, juicy part. The interesting part. The part that makes you lean toward your computer, wanting to know what's next. Kudos to Younger You.
That being said, I really wish this had been more detailed. I read the other reviews so I know she's meant to be living in the street. But where's any mention of that? Has she been living on the Streets for a while? It's a recent occurance, then? Maybe have her digging through a dumpster, looking for cardboard boxes to protect from the cold? And then she gets interrupted? Have her thinking that she might has well just jump into the dumpster: she can't possibly smell worse than she already does. You see? Little hints that'll also let your reader in on your MC's torments. Her everyday life.
If she's digging in the dumpster, we'll get the idea that she's been at it for a while. If, instead, she's panicking, wondering where she'll sleep, run into cardboard 'houses', knocking them over, getting yelled at by hobos, we'll know she's new at this.
Anywho, maybe this isn't even Worth mentioning: you might already have rewritten this. And you probably know all of this already, as you have grown since first writing this.
Excellent start to an interesting story. Can't wait to read the rest!
Tanya
Hi Tanya!
Assume not! You are the first to mention this aspect of the scene, and you have a very good point. When I get to the rewrite, I will use all the reviews I've collected on YWS to get the best out of my story, and your review is quite helpful. Looks like reviewing is like riding a bike
Would I could have written so at age twelve; I'd be such a proud little boy.
It's a nice scene -- dramatic, takes hold fast, action is the creme-filling -- and would act a suitable start to, really, any particular story you'd want to tell, which is both its strength and weakness. The concept is broad as an ocean. A girl with psychic powers could find her way into a family drama, an adventure, or a bad SyFy monster movie. As an idea it's not new in any way; neither is the scene itself original; but maybe if you were to toy with possible permutations -- branching from this scene -- a few intriguing mutations might arise. We have a girl who seems already to have emotional issues without the help of supernatural complications. But I'd like to see the version in which she's had a relatively normal upbringing before waking with these incredible powers, and how the people around her react when they discover, gradually, who she's become. While not virgin ground -- see: every superhero movie ever -- probably there's a reason for that, as it's fertile for all types of human drama, shorning mindless action in favour of speech and gesture. There's a reason the first half of these movies, especially origin stories, are better than the latter.
It's your shindig, so it's your fun; and I'd like to pat your younger self on the back for a job well done. I'll hop in my time machine and visit a few of the alternate timelines to see how the story develops in each. Give me a message if you want adolescent You to know something vital.
Haha! Must be nifty to have a time machine! I'd want to tell my adolescent self to hang in there, it gets better. Even mum gets nicer over time
Oh, and also - write a crappy first draft, it's ok! All authors only publish, like, their millionth rewrite.
I think the first thing I noticed when rereading this story is how unoriginal it was. I don't hold it against Younger Me, because we all start by attempting to emulate the greats who inspired us in the first place. But Older Wiser Me can't seem to get over it hehe. So I'm in brainstorm mode, trying to see how I can add my own unique element to a well explored genre. I think I might do it through setting. Perhaps have it based in an African city (which relates more to my life) instead of a sort of generic American-ish town.
Funny you should mention you'd like to see her with a completely normal upbringing and see how the powers affect her. Well as a matter of fact, I introduce a new character real soon who explores this perspective. Wait and see!
Hey! IamTraunt here!
Corrections
One thing I saw was this:
I've picked out this paragraph because I think you need to spilt it up.
Also, is she speaking or talking to Eric with her mind; because you only put 'her brain', I'm presuming she's talking to him telepathically, but I could be wrong. If you put something like:
Its just a suggestion, but when her actions are unclear, it disrupts the flow.
Just needs a comma in there.
You just mention here in the beginning of the paragraph that he is kneeling down, and then you put that he dropped to his knees. You just need to correct that, as this also disrupts the flow.
Instead of a full stop after 'hoarsely', it should be a comma.
Storyline
You have an interesting idea developing here! You really bring out the hardships of life, such as Nikki being raped, which you show how this has effected her. And 'The Pain' is quite an interesting quality in Nikki, I'm sure you have Capitalized this on purpose. Is 'The Pain' what allowed Nikki to cause affliction to Eric? Is it part of her or did she form this 'Pain' with all the hardships she has faced. I'm sure these questions will be answered in the next chapter - it leaves the reader wanting more, that's for sure!
Characters
Well, as I said previously, Nikki is an interesting character. This power she has is affected by her emotional state - it isn't original but it is always an interesting idea to play around with and make it your own, and I'm sure you will make it unique as you carry on!
I'm not sure if Eric is a minor character, but he is an good character to bring out the darkness and power in Nikki.
Great work! (Please notify when the next chapter is out.)
Thanks IamTraunt! Very detailed review and lots to work with. I will let you know when the next chapter is out
No problem
Anytime.
I shall look forward to the next chapter!
Hai, Laure here for a review! I'm going to leave the technical things to some other reviewer, terribly irresponsible of me I know. But I get the feeling this story is going to get quite a lot of reviews because it is quite fascinating. I'm instead going to focus more on your plot and the language of this chapter. Leggo!
I'm not quite sure why the dash is there in the middle?^This is the turning point or at least it seemed like that to me, because this is the moment that Nikki displays her physic powers. I think besides from her grasping his wrist and locking eyes, could you perhaps describe the process a bit more? Maybe give some internal feedback on Nikki herself, what did she feel as she did this? Describe the process. Also, you forgot a period at head end of 'people'. I found that your simile of the brain seemed a bit queer. Her brain is a dark, thick liquid swirling within her skull just..I don't know, doesn't paint a very accurate picture here. In fact, I'm imagining coffee right now. xD. So, maybe try and be more accurate as you describe these things?
Look at the bolded part, I'm a bit confused there. Whose vulnerability was it? Whose hatred?
Once again, try and be as specific as you can. You're trying to paint a picture here, black blood. What is black blood? How does it feel? Is it a poisonous blood that leeches out your emotions, or is it a throbbing blood that prods at your conscious? SHOW US.
You suddenly switched between what I assume is a flashback to Nikki letting go of Eric. For me, this transition was a bit abrupt and I think you need to explain why seeing the baby or her father raping Nikki's mother triggered that release.
Hm, interesting ending if not a bit confusing. I don't know why Eric doesn't want to be hurt and why he doesn't want to be alone. He hasn't been abandoned by anyone, his gang just looked a bit spooked and frightened they're not abandoning him. Another note, Nikki fled from the scene pretty quickly which I consider is pretty unrealistic because you didn't tell us what she felt. After an exchange like that, I would have expected at least some sort of confrontation between Eric and Nikki. Or perhaps Nikki reflecting on the reaction and what she had done, was there a reason she flee? Was it because she was scared, frightened, horrified by what she had done? What is it?
Overall impression:
This isn't bad, is an interesting concept here with the idea of physics living amidst people. Even though it actually exists in modern society already, I'm assuming that there must be something special about this book. Even though this chapter was pretty short, much like a snippet from a longer chapter than an actual chapter. Is a promising start, your descriptions could be a bit more precise and the same with the actual writing. Take time, slow down, explain what's going on and offer us some insight into what each character is doing. You've got a fairly good balance between showing us and telling us here, so I won't go too much into that. One of the problems I found while reading, was actually the plausibility of this story.
I want to know why Nikki was walking down there in the first place. Why Nikki suddenly decided to confront the boy, if she knew about The Pain, shouldn't she be able to control it? What exactly is this power, is it an abhorrence in this setting or what is it? I know these questions will probably be answered later, but is still important to drop a few hints here and there. And also, when writing always consider how to link your paragraph and story together. So, intriguing concept, keep writing!
-Laure
Hi Laure,
Thanks for your review! I added the note below after you commented, so I doubt you saw it. Bottom line is that the mere passage of time has alerted me to the fact that this story could use a lot of improvement. At this point it could have been written by a completely different person! I posted it on YWS because I'd like an idea from external readers about where to even start, haha.
You have asked a lot of good questions, and I agree about making things more clear about what's going on, and dropping more hints about what is to come. I may have to give you a bit of a spoiler-ish (uncertain if it will really be a spoiler since I am planning on including it in the rewrite of my first chapter), Nikki's power is transferring her deepest feelings into others by touch. Her feelings happened to be exclusively related to suffering, so Eric is expressing HER feelings in that moment. Her power basically allows her to transfer perfect empathy. On its own it isn't good or bad, but it can be either, depending on what she feels. I would like to make that clearer in this scene, but I think the wording was a bit too clumsy (ah, younger me, tsk tsk). Any ideas on how to say this (or show rather) would be much appreciated.
As for your other questions, she wasn't confronting him, she was forced to face him after being trapped by his group. She was in that creepy place because she is meant to be living on the street. And I suppose the reason she fled is because they were trying to attack her and she wanted to get away from the moment they approached.
Please explain what you meant about linking paragraph and story?
Ah, I see. For the empathy transfer, you need to explain that to the readers because we aren't exactly aware of that. I know that she was trapped, what I meant was after she 'zapped' or you know, pressed her fingers into his palm. I had expected not a confrontation (bad wording on my part) but questioning from Eric. As for linking paragraphs, notice how your paragraphs can sometime jump from one place to the other. Just make sure everything flows smoothly, as for the story. That's once again, bad wording on my part. Is just basically, making sure that everything you write is relevant to the plot.