Question:
Write your first response to the following phrase: Blue Ball
Answer:
Craylila Xcena gazed upwards in awe. The classroom ceiling that was usually a dull, washy-green dome was now alive. An orb of brilliant glowing light drifted serenely, its path following a wide arcing circle, and around it were smaller orbs of varying shades. These were fed by the light of the central sphere.
“Alright, young octoplings, let's not forget the lesson we are learning here.” said the teacher with a triumphant grin. This lesson held their complete attention. No young males flicking mucus into female’s hair, no gazers or daydreamers, and no snoozers. “This solar system is really amazing. You can appreciate the beauty in simplicity. One sun, nine planets, no crossing orbits. The largest planet is Jupiter, with this red spot, which is actually a storm –“
“What’s that one?” Craylila pointed with her longest tentacalia. Everyone in the class turned towards her, and then followed the tangent her tentacalia was drawing in the air.
“Hmmm, which one Miss Xcena?”
“The one that looks like... a blue ball.”
Everyone squinted upwards.
The teacher laughed. “Oh, that puny thing? Ha ha! That speck can fit into Jupiter’s red storm spot! And Jupiter is one hundred times smaller than our own planet!”
The other children laughed along with him, but Craylila remained mesmerised. Her eyesight had always been sharper than everyone else’s, and she saw that planet as clearly as if it filled the whole room. “It’s beautiful...”
The teacher caught his breath and carried on with the lesson, focussing on the great red planet, Jupiter. But Craylila was lost to the lesson. The planets swooped low, giving the pupils a closer look at each of the heavenly bodies in turn. Almost everyone gleefully touched the orb that represented Jupiter, ignoring the blue ball.
Craylila had an impulsive idea. Without thinking it through, she waited until the blue ball drifted within her reach then, quick as a blink, scooped it out of the air with a tentacle and hid it within her robes.
When the lesson was over, all the classmates made their way to the door, in excited clusters, discussing their favourite bits of the lesson. Craylila kept herself apart from her peers, and diverted into the bathrooms, locking herself in a stall. She pulled out her prize and sighed as she gazed at the blue pearl balanced between her reptilian tentacles. It was inundated with slices of green, white and brown.
It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite a fun little story here this one...very simple plot and its just one of those stories that tend to leave you with a smile on your face, and of course we all love a simple story like that.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...okay...that's a pretty interesting little bit of description to start a story on...loving this start here so far, it definitely does its job really setting the overall mood for this thing here and well looks like we might have something very interesting happening here soon...soo..let' see I suppose.
OOoh...well, looks like a bit of a lesson on astronomy going on here...from the perspective of an alien species of some sort from either a planet somewhere far away or maybe even this same solar system...hmm...well this is certainly starting to sound suuper interesting so far. I'm loving this start here.
Hmm...well I have a feeling I know which interesting little planet she's pointing to here...there's only so many planets out there which you can call a blue ball after all...well...their reaction to this planet should tell us a lot about what kind of species they are...so that should be fun.
Hmm...well you can certainly see the fact that Earth is pretty darn small compared to most planets being put very nicely into perspective here....Earth do in fact be tiny especially compared to something like Jupiter which they were all studying earlier.
Hmm...well that tells us a lot about what kind of planet this particular one must be...oh well...this is pretty realistic to how alien races from superior planets like that tend to look upon us...xD...at any rate this is pretty neat to see how a superior race might laugh at all us of like that...we may as well be an anthill compared to some of the planets out there.
Well...that is very relatable, drifting off in a lesson when you focus on something interesting that is...well...this is pretty fun to see just one person noticing this beautiful little blue ball...while the majority is focused on the much grander and impressive planet and its famous storm.
Oooh...well that certainly is a very impulsive idea...now I wonder what she plans on doing with that....and well...I think this is a model luckily...and she didn't just stuff our actual planet in here robes...xD...now that would cause problems of a very different kind.
Aww...why thank you...welll...it is also quite fun to see someone appreciating the beauty of Earth and the fact that its this little girl from another planet having a secret look at it somehow makes this quite a cute ending this story. It was definitely a really fun read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this was a really neat little story to read and one that I enjoyed quite a lot as I read it. Well..anyway that's all I've gotta say here...soo...until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You created a very cute short story here. I just have a few things that you can fix to make it better.
Edits found here:
"Alright, young octoplings, let's not forget the lesson we are learning here," said the teacher...
...daydreamers, and no snoozers.
Write out the numbers except for years in a date. What I mean is you can keep 2014 in the work, but when you have something like "9," change it to "nine."
"Hmmm, which one, Miss Xcena?"
"100" is one hundred.
...the lesson, focusing on the great, red planet, Jupiter, but Craylila was lost to the lesson.
You do use the word lesson a lot. Try mixing it up a bit. Repetition is great for poetry, but it bores people when it comes to novels and short stories.
Thanks for the review!
Hey there! Scarlet here too review!
I almost laughed myself out of my chair when I read your representation of 'blue ball'.
When I thought about 'blue ball' the first though that popped into my mind was a blue ball. This was entertaining and creative.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes, great job! I give you... 8/10.
This deserves a like, keep writing!
With love, Scarlet; Scout of the Sycamore Cabin
Your review deserves a like! Thank you very much
This is certainly different than what I'd write for "blue ball". Still, though, the story is captivating and interesting - in fact, it's even beautiful in a way. I'll explain why later.
1. Spelling/Grammar
When you put a comma after a conjunction (and/but/or), the second half needs to be a complete sentence as well. If you remove the 'and' in this sentence, the second half is a fragment. "Sighed as she gazed at the blue pearl balanced between her reptilian tentacles." It's a heavy nitpick, but it's grammatically incorrect. You can fix that by adding a 'she' before 'sighed', or you can remove the comma altogether.
'Lets' should be 'let's', with an apostrophe before the s.
2. Content
This story is short, cute, and for me, it's exceptionally entertaining. There are a few factors here that combine to make a story that I enjoy.
1. It's an alien race observing the Sol system, switching to a perspective other than a human's.
2. The main character sees beauty in something that nobody else does, that something being Earth.
There are a couple small nitpicks that I have. Even though you mention "octoplings" and Craylilia's "tentacalia", I didn't really grasp the fact that they were aliens until "balanced between her reptilian tentacles". Perhaps you could switch the locations of "tentacalia" and "reptilian tentacles", giving the reader some more imagery earlier on?
Wait... they have hair? I thought they were reptiles. Of course, it's possible, but I'd like to have some description of their appearance to make sure.
3. Closing Thoughts
All in all, those are very small concerns. I really enjoyed reading this piece, and the story is surprisingly rich for a writing prompt. If you did this independently, by all means, do another! I'd like to see what else you can come up with.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
-Crunch
Thank you for your thorough review! I am glad you enjoyed it
This story actually took me by surprise because I stumbled across it having written it a couple of years ago and forgotten about it haha! I guess that means that I probably wouldn't have written the same thing if I got that writing prompt today.
Out of curiosity, what would you write for a "blue ball" prompt?
Oh, I don't know... maybe mine would be about a blue ball that has self-sustaining kinetic energy and goes higher and higher with every bounce. That'd be interesting if it escaped a government test facility or something like that. xD
https://www.google.co.za/url?sa=i&rct=j ... 6193980778
That was meant to be a link for the movie Flubber lol