"Where have you been?!" Ben looked even more flustered than usual, with a bath robe thrown on and his hair sticking out in all directions, eyes wide in anxiety.
Alexia suddenly realised how tired she was. "Do you really wanna start this routine?" He hadn't heard her.
"I thought maybe I'd wait, I mean, I was like 'maybe she's, I don’t know, doing some schoolwork or something' but noooo! You were probably doing God-knows-what with some boyfriend - "
Alexia snapped her head up. "For your information, it wasn’t exactly my fault that I was slightly detained. Trust me, I wish I could have come earlier. Really I do." She thought of Graham. He would have walked with her if she had asked him to...but then Freakazoid would freak even more if she came home with him. He wasn’t finished either.
"What if you were killed? What would I tell your mother? 'Oh, sorry Leslie but your only adolescent offspring was wiped off the face of the planet. Why? Oh she just wouldn’t listen to me...'"
"Will you give me a chance to explain?!" Alexia began, fuming.
"I think you've done quite enough explaining during the past week thank you! I'd prefer it if you were quieter, thanks. Oh, and this is the point where I punish you, right?"
"You know what, I think I'll just go to my room, and try not to kill you!"
"That would suit me just fine!"
Alexia stormed off, slamming the door to her room. She never wanted it to be like this. The last thing she needed was more stress from the place she called home. She threw herself onto her bed and her hair settled around her head, making her look like a large angry sun.
He could have given her a chance to say her side of the story. Maybe then he would have been worried enough to even feel sorry for her. that book he was reading obviously didn’t improve his parenting skills in the least.
She heard a knock on the door. The beast had come to claim its pray, Alexia thought, scoffing.
"Alex? I - I wanted to ap - apologise for that... you know... just then. I guess my approach was a little off key." He fell silent, waiting for her response.
She forced herself to keep her mouth shut. Let him blab his way to goodness-knows-what, she thought.
"Well... I don’t know how this is supposed to go - "
Good grief, he was so awkward sounding, that she was embarrassed.
" - I hope we come to terms with each other" He paused. Then she heard his footsteps move down the corridor.
She closed her eyes and breathed, letting the anger simmer down. Then her mind skimmed to the day's events. She began to wonder who the mysterious girl was.
What had made those punks so afraid of her? She recalled the look on their faces. She would probably have that same look if she saw a tiger in the school yard. She opened her eyes wide. What if she had come face to face with a serial killer? She remembered those deep set eyes, and the way the girl had melted into the darkness. But if that was true, why had she protected her? Why was she still alive?
Alexia thoughtfully took a packet of jellybeans from under her pillow. The mystery girl's physical appearance had seemed anything but threatening. Alexia was sure that she herself was around the girl's age, despite her underweight look.
Alexia smacked her forehead. Homework! She was not planning on repeating that day's events. She stuffed a handful of flattened jelly beans into her mouth and took out Mrs Crumb's extra history homework. She sensed it was going to be a long night.
End of chapter
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for another review on this fab novel of yours!
Oh, WOW. Ben really needs to work on his apologizing, doesn't he? I think you displayed well his reactions. First he's upset at her, for coming home late and then he actually mentions boyfriend after what could have just happened! He obviously doesn't know what's going on with her, but still... that was some pretty good timing to make such a comment, Ben...
Next he tries to make up to her by apologizing, but she throws him off. Personally, I didn't really like her that much when she did that. I for one feel that if somebody apologizes, then you accept the apology, but this is your character, not mine. I guess, it helps somewhat in developing her character, when she didn't accept his apology. Showed how angry she was, and how tired she was of being yelled at and judged by this stepfather. But no matter how much he yelled at her, I just couldn't help but cheer for him a little. He was really trying his best at being a good father! I mean, his only fault really when it came to being a parent was not listening to her side of the story. I've always found that parents can be pretty cool, as long as they let you tell your side of the story. XD Mine do at least.
Usually.Slight grammatical issue here. You never have a exclamation mark and a questions mark next to each other. I'd suggest you put this spot in italics, and then get rid of the exclamation mark. There's a couple more spots like this, but I'll leave you to go through and find them.
I don't recall you making this mistake in your recent chapters, but I thought I'd just amplify this little mistake a bit, just in case.
Have a space after an ellipsis. Always. Is just another boring rule of grammar I believe, but one that we all need to follow.
Oh, that's a cool description! It gave me a beautiful visual!
Generally the best way to draw out some thought process, is to put it in italics. Brings it out, and the reader will pay more attention to it. Usually helps with character development, as the reader will now see the thought process much more profoundly and will relate to the character more!
Comma after "Oh". There are a few places here, that need some commas, but there are easy to see, so you can find them with a quick edit.
I love how you put some serious emotion into your dialogue! Especially with the stuttering, and rambling. That was a super cool way of showing how nervous and just not very knowledgeable about parenting. Loved it, darling.
Overall, I have basically no complaints about description and keeping the flow going. It was well written, and I especially loved how we learned more about her family. I also can't wait to read the next chapter, as now I'm curious as to what's going to happen! XD
Sorry that this is another shorter review, but you've some pretty good ones already!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hi there!
There isn't much for me to say about this chapter. It was well written and I can't find anything that you can improve on, really. And instead of me rambling on about something or another in this review just to get a review done, I'm just going to give you my reaction to this chapter.
Aw man, Ben is the most awkward parent ever. I love how he's always saying stuff like, "This is what I'm supposed to do, right?". It's so hilarious how he's always second guessing his parenting decisions. It's something that you usually see out of a father on a comedy television show, but you make it work here. It's pretty cool that he's like that. My creative writing professor once told me that every character should have a quirk, something that sets them apart from the rest of the cast. No doubt this is Ben's quirk. He's most definitely not like other fathers out there and the result is a very interesting and always eventful home life.
Well, that's it for me in this review. I'll head over to check out the next chapter now! (sorry not sorry for the increased notifications you're getting from me today xD)
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hehe, notifications give me a mini high
So you're my...drug dealer? Er, maybe I need a different metaphor...
I'm glad that you like Ben! My favourite part of stories, both reading and writing, is characters. So keep letting me know what you think of them, positive or otherwise. I'm learning a lot, every bit of feedback will come in handy for the second draft.
'Ello~~~! Rawrafied here, representing team Rugido Sol. I must admit, I have not had the pleasure of reading your previous works, so I won't comment on any of the logic. I'm going to go line by line and pick out anything that catches my eye, okay? :3
Given that this is a list, it would be better if you put a comma after 'on' and move 'and' to before 'eyes'.Would suggest splitting the last sentence into its own paragraph. Also, there's a 'z' in realized, not an 's'.
I really like your dialogue. It's very natural and gets their emotions, conflict, information, and characters across without you needing to add much extra outside information. Also, Ben quoting the hypothetical statements are hysterical.
Would suggest putting a comma after 'week'.
More than one adjective for 'sun', so put a comma after 'large'.
Typo, you forgot to capitalize 'that' at the beginning of this sentence.
Put a comma after 'other' since this is a speech tag.
Overall, this an interesting piece of work. The writing was great overall (ignoring what was mention above). I love the dynamic between these two characters. And having come in halfway, I'm curious as to what 'events' happened earlier that day and who the girl was that she saw. Will definitely be back for more. Happy review day~~~! Hope this was helpful. ^_^
I will review this. Just keep those PMs up. xD
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
So, here we are again. Laughing to ourselves as we compare and relate to Alexia. I know I do, *Grins*.
Okay, let’s get down to business.
Corrections!
Now, I don't think that this is appropriate. We can already visualize that Ben isn't very happy with Alexia, and I can imagine him emphasizing the 'no' without you adding the extra o's:
Needs to be capitalized.
Firstly, you need to change 'its' to 'it's'. Secondly, you need to change 'pray' to 'prey', and also wouldn't it be more appropriate if you put "The beast had come to attack it's prey, Alexia thought, scoffing," because 'claim' sounds inaccurate for your imagery.
Characters!
Hm, well we just get to see a little more on Alexia's and Ben's relationship here. We learn that Alexia's view point on him is distorted as I can see that Ben is a nice guy - I mean, my dad would never say sorry to me for telling me off! Also, we get to see Ben's concern for her and that his motives aren't purely on pleasing mom. I can see that, and I'm sure other readers can too. Additionally, we get to see Alexia's P.O.V more on Ben in this chapter as she refers to him as 'Freakazoid' (which made me laugh). And we get to hear a little about 'Graham', presumably Alexia's boyfriend.
Storyline!
Now, there is no real action even though your story genre is 'Action/adventure'. I'm not sure if you're taking it slow, but you only have built up a little suspense in the previous chapter and you have not developed Alexia's power in any way. Nikki's power seems amazing compared to Alexia's, and seeing as you show Alexia's P.O.V more, it slows down the pace of your story. Just a suggestion, but you need to be making the connection between Nikki and Alexia, so we can see more drama and action! Go wild, show us what Alexia is capable off!
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Thanks again for your helpful review Traunt! I'm glad that I got the relatable aspect across. I think I was really into the "misunderstood teen" phase when I wrote it. And a lot of the angst that comes from the adolescent sensation that everyone needs to see things from MY perspective haha. Fun times!
Thanks for the technical error corrections, I spotted them after a read through. Apologies for such basic mistakes, I was posting the chapters as they were, and I haven't read through them in awhile. I haven't corrected these because I will probably do a complete chapter-by-chapter overhaul, as there is too much to fix on the broader story level before I get to the details.
The time spent away from this work has also alerted me to the fact that the pacing is too slow. I thought I had displayed Alexia's powers by this chapter, but my memory fooled me. In the rewrite I will definitely get her to use her powers from the first we meet her.
Since the chapters are so short, and the pacing is a bit slower than I initially thought, I think I will begin posting more chapters at a time. Does that suit you?
That's awesome! I'm actually reading your next chapter right now! So good
But I'll talk about it in the review!