*This story is underneath my folder titled “The Laurence family’s deepest woes”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1320. Enjoy!*
There was once a little boy named Asher Laurence who was only seven years old. He had two good friends, James and Ryan and an older sister he loved, Rosalyn. He absolutely adored his mother!
As for his father, well...he didn't know what to think about him.
His Dad didn't like talking to them, he was very secretive. He only talked to Mom about things and Mom didn’t even seem happy to hear what he had to say.
Asher also didn't like how his friends didn’t tell him everything. He knew they didn’t tell him everything because they acted like they knew about something he didn’t. They spoke to each other the way Mom and Dad did, like they kept looking to see if somebody was watching.
It didn’t feel nice, but maybe he was worrying too much. After all, nothing particularly bad was happening. If he couldn’t tell anybody about anything terrible, then there was nothing they could do.
Still, something was not right.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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And a bit more of Asher 😊
I do like how you structured this and that you mention all the major players. I feel like Asher would have been a bit more specific than just “[Dad] only talked to Mom about things”. Like maybe he would mention what they talked about or complain that they were so secretive?
“He knew they didn’t tell him everything” this feels like a repetition because you had this info in the sentence that came right before it. A bit variety in the way you phrase things might do the trick :3
I do like that he links the secrets his friends hold to the secrets his parents keep from him!
And also that he senses that somethings not right… even if he doesn’t have the experience and abilities to really understand what!
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