Published April 4, 2026
*This story is underneath my folder titled “The Laurence family’s deepest woes”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1320. Enjoy!*
There was once a little boy named Asher Laurence who was only seven years old. He had two good friends, James and Ryan and an older sister he loved, Rosalyn. He absolutely adored his mother!
As for his father, well...he didn't know what to think about him.
His Dad didn't like talking to them, he was very secretive. He only talked to Mom about things and Mom didn’t even seem happy to hear what he had to say.
Asher also didn't like how his friends didn’t tell him everything. He knew they didn’t tell him everything because they acted like they knew about something he didn’t. They spoke to each other the way Mom and Dad did, like they kept looking to see if somebody was watching.
It didn’t feel nice, but maybe he was worrying too much. After all, nothing particularly bad was happening. If he couldn’t tell anybody about anything terrible, then there was nothing they could do.
Still, something was not right.
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,762 Reviews
This is a nice, short, sweet little introduction to Asher and his family.
It's a nice opening, where we learn about his name, his age, his friends, his sister and his mother. It makes the piece feel like it's going to be about a normal family -- which we know it isn't!
Then we get this line:
oo that brings some mystery! I wonder why he thinks this. I wonder why his dad is so secretive!
Poor Asher! Is he just being a paranoid kid, or is something more at play here? He could just be a kid who's not understanding what's going on, but he seems smart, so I'm sure he's spotted something that is going to come into play in another piece, which I can't wait to read.
Maybe you could go a bit more into depth about his worries, and what he's feeling; maybe he describes it in a bit more detail, because I'm intrigued and want to know more. Kids' perspectives are fun to write from, since you get to put yourself into a more innocent mindframe and wonder how a kid might misinterpret things. If you played more into that, like maybe saying what he heard them whispering, what he thought they were keeping from him, it would set up the mystery a bit more!
Hmm, yes. I agree Asher. Something is off! So i'm off to read more to find out! <3
Yayy! I’m glad you like it!
And a bit more of Asher 😊
I do like how you structured this and that you mention all the major players. I feel like Asher would have been a bit more specific than just “[Dad] only talked to Mom about things”. Like maybe he would mention what they talked about or complain that they were so secretive?
“He knew they didn’t tell him everything” this feels like a repetition because you had this info in the sentence that came right before it. A bit variety in the way you phrase things might do the trick :3
I do like that he links the secrets his friends hold to the secrets his parents keep from him!
And also that he senses that somethings not right… even if he doesn’t have the experience and abilities to really understand what!
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