*This story is underneath my folder titled “The Laurence family’s deepest woes”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1455. Enjoy!*
Once, there was a sixteen year old girl named Rosalyn Laurence, who lived with her parents and her seven year old brother, Asher, who she didn't get along with very well.
No, it wasn't like your average siblings fighting each other, this was different.
Asher was a sensitive person, who was easily scared of things. He didn't like sleeping in the dark or seeing someone he loved get hurt.
And because Asher was so sensitive, Rosalyn was afraid of what would happen to him if he was left alone, especially with their father. It was not a feeling that she could explain, for their father acted fine, just secretive. Maybe that was it. Maybe the fact that he said so little unnerved her. Or maybe it was Mom’s eternal optimism that did not falter once, even in moments that Rosalyn would not blame her for.
She did not mean to, but all of her confusion and fear had sharpened itself into vile words that told Asher to “grow up” or “leave her alone”. By the time Rosalyn had realized how Asher may have felt, she didn’t see how she could apologize or if it would make a difference. Asher never acknowledged her moments of worry-filled anger and always went on happily.
But Rosalyn was going to change. She would change, for her brother. Because if their parents were going to be weird, then Rosalyn would make sense.
She would figure it all out and she’d make things right.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I don’t have much time today but I still wanted to check out one more of your stories, sitting in the GR ^^
I do like Asher so let’s see more abt his family!
Missing space here: “sensitive person,who was”
I do like how you explain Rosalyn’s behaviour. That it stems from love and worry and that she just doesn’t know how to express these feelings.
I also like her resolve. This whole snippet feels very complete and it left a positive impression on me :3
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I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
this is a super promising start! the way you wrote the relationship between Rosalyn and her little brother Asher feels so real and relatable, especially that mix of sibling guilt and protecting him from things she doesn't even fully understand yet. theres also this tension built up around the parents just by mentioning the dad's secrecy and the mom's toxic optimism. it does a good job of making you feel like something is deeply wrong without giving the mystery away too early. ALSO, ending with Rosalyn deciding to step up and "make sense" of everything gives her so much agency as a main character!! you did a great job!
thx <3