*This story is underneath my folder titled “The Laurence family’s deepest woes”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1155. Enjoy!*
There was once a little boy named Ryan who could make butterfly wings melt and push people more than twenty feet away from him, all with a twist of his hand. Well, he could do that, but he didn’t want to. It was too violent for him.
He could do that because he was a witch, because his parents were witches. His friend, James, was also a witch and so, when it was just the two of them, they would play games with their powers, using all the magic that they could not use at school.
All the magic that they could not do with their other friend, Asher. Asher was not a witch and he did not know that his friends were witches, either. Ryan knew that they both could never tell him, but he still felt bad. He wanted to tell his friend the truth. He wanted to be honest with the people he cared about.
But, he said nothing, as he didn’t want to scare Asher or make his parents mad. His parents always found out about things, whether he liked it or not.
At least James knew.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, hello!
This is an interesting sentence! Ryan’s powers are immediately quite frightening, while he himself is introduced as someone gentle who doesn’t want to hurt anything. I do like that! I’m not completely sure about the butterfly wings, though. Melting them is very specific and cruel compared with pushing someone away, and it made me wonder whether Ryan has actually done this before or whether it is simply an example of what he could theoretically do.
If his magic is generally destructive, you could describe the broader ability first and then give one example. At the moment the sentence makes butterfly-wing melting seem like one of his main powers, which feels slightly odd unless butterflies are going to matter later. Is that his only power, or does he have more?
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This is another cool origin! The contrast between Ryan’s personality and his powers is probably the strongest part for me. He has abilities which sound dangerous, but he mainly wants to play harmless games with James and avoid upsetting anyone. That makes him easy to like and gives you room to explore whether someone’s abilities define them or whether their choices do. That could be an interesting idea to explore!
There’s some repetition around what Ryan and James can’t do with Asher, though. The second paragraph already tells me they use the magic they cannot use at school, and the next begins by repeating that they cannot use it with Asher. You could combine those ideas and use the extra space to show what their magical games actually look like! It's left a little vague right now.
Thanks for sharing! Cheers!
Lip
I’m glad you like it! Thx for reading/advice! Ryan is a good kid with intense powers, like James. But they’d only use it if they felt like they needed to.
And we arrive at the final chapter in this folder too 😊 Here we go! For Violet Victory!
Let’s see if Ryan’s origin, the guy who is also a witch is any closer to being a good origin story xd
Must say I also like his power. And that he’s anti-violence is also very good :3
I also like that the kids practice magic together.
Wait wait wait I remember Asher! Demon child! Magical fairy forest adventure, right?? Oh boy, these witches really do not know who they are friends with, huh?
Arrgh I wish there was more meat to it, more things for us to piece things together. Then reading this would be more fun :3