Lolanthe’s origin: The Laurence family’s deepest woes

by creeperfeverdreams

Published August 24, 2026

16+ Violence

In The Laurence family’s deepest woes

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

PreviousNext

*This story is under my folder “The Laurence family’s deepest woes”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=165. Enjoy!*

Lolanthe sat on the front steps of her house, waiting for Dariel to come. He had been away, traveling to different places with his friends, but he sent a letter telling her that he’d come to her house, so she waited.

She wore her best purple dress and hat, the one that had red roses on the brim. Her eyeshadow was a darker shade of violet, her lips a duskier rouge. She hoped that she looked beautiful enough for Dariel to want to live with her.

They had met on a copper-toned night just like the night Lolanthe was experiencing waiting on the steps. Copper-toned, because the golden moon hid behind fog clouds and made the incandescent street lamps glow brighter. The air was crisp and cold when Lolanthe stumbled over words in excitement as she told Dariel all about the upcoming Hallows’ Eve festival, for he was new to town and wanted to hear about the going-ons.

“I’ll come if you will.”

“Why’s that?”

Dariel had smiled before he said, “You seem trustworthy.”

Lolanthe didn’t know what to make of those words. It didn’t sound like anything special, but that glimmer in his eyes, the way the corners of his lips curled up…it felt foolish to not be there. So, she showed up like she always did, only he was there. He spent every second by her side, first asking about the festival, then her and then…a shared kiss under the harvest moon.

Ever since then, Lolanthe had been waiting for him. He promised her that they’d marry. He said that moments with her were “magical”. She felt it, too. A pull towards him, like everything would right itself when he came.

But Dariel was always away with friends. Always going to new places. It kind of felt like he was avoiding her on purpose. It wasn’t true, obviously, but it felt like it sometimes.

Lolanthe just had to sit and wait for a taxi cab. That was how he’d said he would come. It was all quiet, so she’d notice. He had to spend the night at her house when they met, because he had nowhere else to go. Maybe he’d look at her and decide to stay forever. No more traveling. No more leaving. Just the two of them forevermore.

She wished that she had friends to talk about Dariel with, but perhaps it was better that she was alone. Perhaps nobody could listen the way he did. But it was all so quiet…where was he? Surely it didn’t take that long for a cab…he’d come soon enough…soon..s-

There! She leapt off from the steps and ran towards the unmistakable yellow cab as she thought about holding Dariel tight and never letting go, not waiting for one minute to go by, because Dariel came and he loved her and-

Her body flew as metal crashed into her, landing on the pavement. Lolanthe heard her bones crack before she could scream, felt herself rip open before she could weep.

The moon and the street lamps looked all smudged, like muddy dirt, to her blurry eyes.

…………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………

Where was the copper moon? It was all so dark. It smelled like strong, mildew dust, nothing like the freshly fallen autumn leaves that were supposed to be overpowering everything else.

Lolanthe sat up, clawing her way through the pitch-blackness. She felt her nails scratch against what sounded like walls and winced. Her nails weren’t that long, but they sounded spindly. Like bones.

She felt something circular in one of her hands, something like a handle, so she turned it.

There was a bedroom in front of her. A pink bed with pink walls and shelves with toys and books. There were white lights on strings close to the ceiling, matching with the white rug. It was a child’s room…but why? Where was she? Where was Dariel?

A different door slammed open and a little crying girl ran from it, plopping herself on the bed and sobbing on the sheets. Lolanthe’s heart twisted at the sight of her. She didn’t know who the girl was or why she was there, but the questions could wait. Lolanthe wasn’t going to leave her alone like that. She reached one hand out-

It wasn’t a hand. It was a chunky gray claw. She looked at her other hand. Same thing. Her teeth didn’t feel right, either. They were too sharp, too pointed.

Lolanthe closed the door. Her mind spun as she sat in the dark, trying to make sense of it all.

She had to, before she did anything else. She would. She’d find out what happened to her and then she’d find Dariel.

He was waiting. Somewhere.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
DomTheDumb
Review
DomTheDumb wrote a review Review · Aug 25

Hey Creeper!

I'm going to be honest with you from the start. This piece has very good bones, very, very good bones - but the writing lets it down, unfortunately. The atmosphere you're trying to build is almost palpable, almost. I can see the vision with Lolanthe's inner monologue, but it, too, is let down by your sentence construction, verbiage, and writing.

TLDR: THE IDEA IS GOOD BUT YOU NEED PRACTICE WITH EXECUTION!

Let's start with your opening paragraph. For one, it's way too short! For another, it's very clunky to read.

Lolanthe sat on the front steps of her house, waiting for Dariel to come.

Fine.
He had been away, traveling to different places with his friends, but he sent a letter telling her that he’d come to her house, so she waited

Way too clunky! Writing a multi-clausal multi-layered sentence is a craft and can only be mastered with time and practice, so don't be disheartened. Just as an example, I've re-written it here (please don't be offended lol, I just see the vision and want to help). It conveys the same message, and is multi-clausal:
He'd been off with his friends, travelling the world; but he'd sent a letter saying he'll be around soon... and so, she waited.
My advice with this specific sentence, though, is to break it up into three sentences or restructure it entirely as below:
He had been travelling the world with his friends, and Lolanthe had missed him terribly... but now, she waited on the steps, waited for him to appear on the horizon [or whatever]; after all, he'd written her and told her he was coming.

She wore her best purple dress and hat, the one that had red roses on the brim. Her eyeshadow was a darker shade of violet, her lips a duskier rouge.

Her eyeshadow was a darker shade of violet than what? Her lips duskier than what? The suffix -er is a comparison suffix ("I did it better than him", for example), and is usually followed by a "than". If you mean her eyeshadow and lips are darker than her dress, that's not clear at all!

Another beginner mistake you make is that you do a lot of telling, not showing. For instance:
She hoped that she looked beautiful enough for Dariel to want to live with her.

Withhold this! Dropping it in so early loses all emotional value! Reveal it later, like a drip-feed. Don't front-load character wants and needs - that makes your story boring!

ALL THAT BEING SAID!
There are some good bits; for instance, the part where Lolanthe wakes up in the girl's room is mostly written very well (though grammar errors abound), and the writing becomes much clearer when Lolanthe sees Dariel's cab.

Final thoughts: (I won't comment on the story or characters; I'm not the target audience and I don't really like this kind of YA)
The vision is almost palpable. The atmosphere is almost tangible. Lolanthe's inner monologue is almost perfect. The writing itself just needs a mature hand, and you're golden.

Just that the makeup is darker than what she’d normally wear.

Thx for reading/advice!

User avatar
4revgreen
Review
4revgreen wrote a review Review · Aug 24

Hi Creeper!!! I'm back... again!

I love the atmosphere of this piece. The atmosphere is prioritised over the plot, and it makes a nice change. There's a lot of beautiful and lush imagery in the first half that builds a dreamy, doomed-romance mood, and in the second half, the details of what actually happened to Lolanthe are left vague. It makes the whole story very intriguing and avoids telling the reader everything!

Dariel is mainly characterised through what Lolanthe thinks about him and her waiting. I wish we knew some more, like what he looked like at least! There's a small flashback scene, but I think maybe having Lolanthe dream about his looks and show her obsession in other ways; maybe she has a photo of him in a locket around her neck or something!

They had met on a copper-toned night just like the night Lolanthe was experiencing waiting on the steps. Copper-toned, because the golden moon hid behind fog clouds and made the incandescent street lamps glow brighter.


Absolutely beautiful imagery here! Really strong writing. There should be a comma after night and also after experiencing, though!

Keepr writing! <3

Thx for reading/advice!

User avatar
Vonnegut
Review
Vonnegut wrote a review Review · Aug 24

What a nice little story! The strongest part of this excerpt is Lolanthe herself. There is something immediately sad about how much of her life seems to orbit Dariel. I especially like the repeated language of waiting because it gradually changes meaning. At first, she is literally waiting for a cab. Then we realize she has seemingly been waiting for Dariel throughout their entire relationship.

The car accident is fittingly abrupt, though perhaps too efficient; the romantic anticipation accelerates until the sentence itself crashes with her, and that works. The transformation afterward is also interesting because you resist immediately explaining it. What I would watch, however, is how quickly Lolanthe regains her sense of narrative purpose. She wakes in complete darkness after feeling herself torn open, discovers she has claws and pointed teeth, sees an unknown child crying in an unknown bedroom, and within moments arrives at "I'll figure this out, then find Dariel." That persistence says something compelling about her obsession, but the scene would be stronger if you were allowed to feel the horror of what has happened to her before Dariel retakes control of her thoughts. What does she think happened to her body? Does she believe she died?

If that is where you are going, let her need for Dariel become part of the horror. Clearly, she has some kind of fixation on him... Do more with that concept!

V.

Thx for your review/advice!



If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn