Blue eyes, Hair like the crimson sun
that sinks below the African horizon.
Tears like opalescent ribbons trace his cheeks
and he watches the autumn leaves tumble downward.
Do not cry, little innocent, for the leaves are reborn,
they are at peace on the soft ground they rest upon.
He watches the stars and his angel-blue eyes glow
while the soft-spoken darkness surrounds him like a halo.
Hush, child, for one day, when you are old and frail
You will soar among the stars and whisper the language of night.
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I liked this. Some how it seems like it could use a bit more though. Some lines were longer where they should have been shorter and you turned the rhyming pattern on and off. I think that if you edited this really nice it could turn into something really beautiful. Your description altogether were nice though, I enjoyed your similies and metaphors. good job, just needs a bit of work.
Hi, carelessaussie13,
This poem is decent--it displays an understanding of at least some of the fundamental mechanics of poetry, but it suffers the fate of being swallowed up in purple language (e.g., "crimson sun," "autumn leaves tumble," "darkness surrounds him").
As opposed to Clau, I have no problem with your transitions in that they worked in conjunction with each other. You focus on nature, and derive emotions from physical happenings. My problem is that it's been done to death. You're beating a dead horse with those devices because you rely on them like every other poet does: you make no extra attempt to liven the piece with their peculiariaties, quirks, etc.
Best,
Brad
I liked it, it seemed to flow nicely.
You describe him, then his action. It's only me but reading it with an 'as' instead of 'and' seems to make it work better. I don't like the word 'he' in the poem, even in the line "He watches the stars...." I'm not sure why I don't like it. Perhaps because at other times he is given names: Child, innocent, etc.One thing I didn't like, it just didn't seem to flow well within the poem, was the transition from describing the looks of the boy, and then moving on to describing what he did. Like in this stanza:
But it did flow nicely. The other thing I didn't like, was more about subject. First we cry for the leaves, then we talk about stars? Both are beautiful, but when next to each other it doesn't work. It just needs a better transition, I guess? It does work nicely though: Sunrise, leaves, stars.
The last line is well written, but the meaning behind it is lost on me
Hope this helped at all, and thanks for the critique of my poem.