z

Young Writers Society



My World

by carelessaussie13


White clouds drifting
'Cross a sea of azure
So pure I feel apart of it,
Soaring.
Green mountains stand sentinel,
Folding blue to purple
In the distance.
So much to explore,
So little time.
Brown dirt,
Soft and dry.
My home, my mountains
My world.

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816 Reviews

Points: 8413
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Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:56 pm
Leja wrote a review...



You've described this world around you, now I want to know what makes it special. What gives it the "My" world from the title? If I stood in the same place described, I doubt I would see it in the same was as it's presented here, just because everyone has their own unique viewpoint of things. I might focus more on the ground beneath my feet rather than they sky because I'm curious like that.

My advice is to pick one thing and expand. Ex: "So pure I feel apart of it" How do you feel when you're a part of it (two words, by the way, unless you mean that you feel separate? I can't quite tell). Give us your own special point of view ^_^




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758 Reviews

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Sun Nov 11, 2007 7:50 pm
Cade wrote a review...



It's a nice image, but I think you could expand on it. We've all seen pretty pictures of mountains and naturey things before, but what can you show us that's new? What can you do with this poem to make what you've already said more insightful?

Personification.

Green mountains stand sentinel
This is interesting; nature is always much more fun when you bring it to life. Play with this a bit. You can reveal a lot about your speaker's feelings based on the way he/she describes the surroundings.

Meaning. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to express with this. That the speaker feels at home among the mountains? That the speaker is overwhelmed by it all? Try expressing things in less general terms. Get specific. Explore what you're trying to express and really get down to your main point.

Punctuation, Grammar, and Spelling.
White clouds drifting
'Cross a sea of azure

First of all, this is a fragment. Second, why not spell out "across"? There's nothing wrong with that. It won't make your poem less poetic.
I think you should stick a period at the end of it and make it a complete sentence:
White clouds drift
Across a sea of azure.

apart
I think you mean "a part". "Apart" as one word means "separated."

My home, my mountains
My world.
You might put a comma after mountains. Otherwise it reads: "My home, my mountains my world." Awkward.

Good luck!
-Colleen





Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee