We're on the same boat, him and me,
I watch the faraway land draw closer,
He strains to watch what once was across the vast sea,
Neither of us see the other,
Because neither of us care for now,
I'm waiting for horizon,
He's remembering sun-down.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,582 Reviews
Thanks so much for the reviews
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I totally got where MrSherrington was coming from about having more puntuation to make it easier to read when I read it back to myself. I've added a full stop after the line "He strains to watch what once was across the vast sea.". Also it was meant to be "Far Away". I liked the idea of pluralizing "horizon" but I really wanted the last two lines to end in opposits in order to emphasize my point so I've decided to change it to, "I'm waiting for horizons". I played around with making it more specific but I've decided I like the vagueness because it asks the reader to consider what they think it's about.
Thanks again for the feedback, I'm really flattered Murtuza and Gee Lyria enjoyed it so much and MrSherringtons constructive criticism was really helpful!
Ahaha, hi there anna9---and the rest of the numbers.
Well, I had never seen such an amazing poem being so short. Truly beautiful. You managed to say a lot in a few words. And the interpretations this poem can have abounds, it's like it has a hidden message behind the simplicity of the narration. Great, great job!
Keep writing!
~Solly<3
Sup Playah, Lemme get my fo'shizzle awn, and then proceed to review your poetry.
"Faraway" is that meant to be "Far Away"?
"I'm waiting for horizon" It just seems akward there, like some sort of profane toad. I would have pluralised it, or added a verb as in. "I'm waiting for horizons to come" or "I'm waiting for the horizon to come"
The whole thing is one large line. Some full stops would not go amiss here, as they allow your reader to breathe. As I have proclaimed to many a writer of poetickyness, poetry in all senses in meant to be read aloud, so keep that in mind when punctuating, mandem. Your theme is nice, if not vague. Are your poetic constructs escaping? or trying to find somthing better for them troubz? I just feel this is going somewhere good, but I am being denied detail; or space to fill my tar-stained lungs for air.
Hi Anna!
Firstly, welcome to YWS and congratulations on your first post. This poem has great depth and truly portrays the contrasts of the two individuals, despite being in a common place of view. Short and with powerful context. Just the way I like it. Great job! And here's to many more great one's to come!
Murtuza