Once there was a girl walking home,
with a smile and a laugh and eyes that glowed.
Surrounded by friends and a phone always beeping,
full of energy she was singing, dancing and leaping.
A camera always fashing, and imagination flying,
she was happy. She was smiling.
And the sun was shining.
The sun was shining.
Once there was a girl walking home,
Summer is gone and with it her smile had to go.
Fighting with her boyfriend,
terrified that it was the end,
parents argueing all the time.
searching for answers she knew she'd never find.
She was no longer happy, she was falling.
And the rain was poring.
The rain was pouring.
Once ther was a girl walking home,
she was surrounded by friends yet she still felt alone.
She didn't understand how much they care,
punishing herself because life's been unfair.
She tried so hard to stop things falling apart,
but somewhere along the line she broke her heart.
She believed she was fat, but the mirror was lying,
she runs to the bathroom already crying.
She didn't notice that the sun was shining.
The sun was shining.
Once there was a girl who didn't walk home,
instead she made herself sick until she was dying.
She refused to get help, just continued denying.
Then one day she was gone.
She left me behind, suffering and crying.
Now I don't notice if the sun is shining.
Is the the sun shining?
Hi! This is Shooting Stars coming to review your poem! And here I am.
One word: WHOA. This was a very powerful piece of work that kept you thinking long after the last stanza. Gosh, what an amazing job! I really hope this didn't happen to you, and I'm very sorry if so. Throughout your poem I could feel the emotions and see everything happening! Great work!
However, I do have a couple comments and corrections:
1) "A camera always fashing..." I think you left out an 'l' in flashing.
2) "Parents argueing all the time..." There isn't an 'e' in 'arguing', I don't believe.
3) "And the rain was poring..." 'Pouring', not 'poring'.
4) "Once ther was a girl walking home..." You accidentally forgot to place a second 'e' in the word 'there'.
5) "She didn't understand how much they care..." You switched tenses from past to present when you said 'care'. Did you mean to do that? If so, sorry; I'll back off.
6) Starting the stanza with "Once there was..." makes the poem feel a little bit childish. Don't get me wrong, I love the repeating first line.
7) THE ENDING IS MAGNIFICENT! It's the perfect way to close everything up, just like I have to do right now.
This was a great poem, and the only main mistakes were in spelling. Be careful to spellcheck yourself! I want you to know I seriously loved this!
Keep going and never stop!
---Shooting Stars