I awake.
The taste of last night lingers on my lips
And the sound of it rings in my ears
A bang. Bang. Bang.
To accompany each pang of guilt
For sins I don't remember committing
Or at least will claim that as the case.
*
You stir from sleep.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hey, anna. So it can be really difficult to master short poetry like this; you have only a handful of words to get your message across, so you've got to use them wisely. Every word has to make an impact or have some sort of value. I think the concept you have here is interesting, and you begin to toy with some interesting ideas, but it never really goes anywhere. Explore this more conceptually and I think that you could have a spectacular poem, but right now I feel as though you don't quite know what it is you're wanting to say. Some imagery would also be useful in really bringing us into the situation.
In any case, this feels like a promising start, but it doesn't seem quite finished yet. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Wow. This is such a strong poem. I really love the feeling that you get out of this, even though it's very simplistic and minimal. It's so strong and yet very calm and slightly melancholy. I only have a few small critiques:
"To accompany each pang of guilt/For sins I don't remember commiting/Or at least will claim that as the case." First, "committing" would be the correct spelling. Also, the third line there is a little bit unclear. I would suggest something a little bit clearer, such as, "or at least will pretend I don't."
"You stir from sleep." This, while good, feels very abrupt. It almost feels as if you're leading us into another portion of the poem. I don't think you should cut it though; I would suggest adding something else from the narrator's perspective, so that you bring it back to her and it feels more tied together.
On a whole though, I really loved this! Thanks so much for taking the time to write and post! Keep up the good work!