z

Young Writers Society



life's inertia Bowl

by Wriskypump


A/N: short. Enjoy

Gold is valued because it is valuable

A name of caliber is priceless because it is popular -

the Brackish Ore, only currency for food and warmth:

a SQueaky shine* * * and I’m gathering respect & Wooers!

And a respite of outworn sights & routine in hosting quaint jamborees:

The fluorescent human being, * * *

Can for aN IntoXicAtinG hour Dynamize a nameless street

 

in and of themselves these things are meaningless, but with enough eyes on them the delusion rapidly gets Grievous."

Sadly too much riches and too much honor aptly spoil the appetite of the owner

Perhaps the Jobial task of putting others needs

ABOVE the functions of Your components

will be that dove of action

And the man

with ~ the ~ open - hand

will learn the fondness

Of That more than Taste, that which is of compassion

And will with all his might in so doing torPedo his inner-Egotist

If this one sees it’s not about giving resources to an out-of-town Orphanage

It’s soulfelt empathy on a nameless street

for the out_oF_commission : it's enlivening The HeartSICK with friendship

Many have tried to Engorge into the moment

But oft the times the case merits a Sickle be put to that inner-idealist for

it needs Be seen:

Whether you give or you gain, you will watch $anguine dither, so as futility waxes Trust in that case of charity quuuivers

Equi=Valence may consoul many in Large Bunch: how still earth’s love wanton can’t fill, FILL the life’s inertia Bowl

as one languishes to come by unconditional love a policy is drawn up for their desirability; Until a friend draws no lines between their life and yours

remembering for times when they were an unprofitable crybaby

Father still fed them & warmly tucked them in

that at some point in their life they’d let Him unite in their heart a utile memorial

and stitch up the fuss about toil that

Makes Home’s aura an Apparition of overwhelming tasks to perform

when it's really *hahahahaha* Like you've never been loved before.


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37 Reviews


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:57 pm
AriannaC wrote a review...



HAPPY REVIEW DAY HOOZ-BAWND!!! I have come back to this work to write a proper review.

Once again, my brain literally crashed from all the thinking this made me do. There is just so many good points!

Also, can I just take a moment to admire your stellar knowledge and use of vocabulary? WOW!

Just one thing here confused me. Why did you write "that dove" in bold font? For emphasis I think? WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE? I MUST KNOW!!!!

You are such a smart cookie and I wish your would write more on here! Continue pursuing knowledge from the spirit. You are awesome! Jesus loves you!




Wriskypump says...


just for emphasis yes, Dem <3



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37 Reviews


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Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:41 pm
AriannaC says...



I FEEL SO MUCH LOVE -dies-




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Tue May 09, 2017 4:19 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



I see your author's note asks for what the reader feels while reading so I'll respond to that.

Overall I feel very unsettled by the content and capitalization choices, I think mostly because it's unexpected so it feels like the poem is breaking poetic rules (however of course you know that capitalization doesn't come with rules for poetry necessarily).

The poem uses quite a bit of circular logic in the beginning which makes for an interesting sort of reasoning. The message of the first two stanzas seems to be about idolatry of money or objects.

And then the 3rd stanza makes me feel a bit sick. Due to both the capitalization choices and then some of the word choice like "engorge" "$ickle put", "wAnton can't fill". There seems to be a lot of language about overindulgance maybe which totally fits with the theme of the first two stanzas.

Overall I'd say again that I'm interested in what you're doing in these poems and this one seems to have the most direction of the ones that I've read as there's a fairly clear conflict and theme. I'm not sure that the capitalization choices are adding anything though except giving a really mysterious sort of prophetic vibe to everything -- which is maybe what you're going for. I think the capitalization things would be more effective in a shorter piece where there isn't so much length between each unconventional word.

I think an area of improvement might be in reducing the wordiness of some of these lines. I mean there are some really interesting thoughts and phrases, but they get almost lost among all of the filler and lines that don't go along with what's being said.

Best of luck in the rest of your writing! Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.

Peace,
~alliyah




Wriskypump says...


sigh** I feel a little bit like an idiot, but I see another sacrifice must yet be made



alliyah says...


I'm not sure what that means... but I don't think you're an idiot! :) I like some of the edits I think you made as well!



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Mon May 08, 2017 11:01 pm
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I would love to do a review on content but like your other poem, your formatting is to the point where I can't understand the content. Your symbols and random capitalization is distracting. You do have stanzas in this one though, but the other distractions interfere too much. Maybe after some editing on your structure I could do a review on content. (please let me know when you do this editing, I would love to read the content and do a review.) Legacy out.




Wriskypump says...


Okay, I tried to make some changes for your benefit. Still left some stuff in there tho




The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.
— Shakti Gawain