[Verse 1]
Open Heart, I must have you, Truth
Don’t wanna be unwise
Level with the discomfort and find a Will
The Pool not clear, but don’t abandon, Dear
Pull up your boots, perusing time always gets
You near
Listen; The Temps of Seas. variate
Counteract a grievance by drinking nature’s blossoms in
[Pre-Chorus]
Drunk on excess it’s hard to see
Great Magistrate Death's Jaws are open most unseen
Life’s to have the Vict’ry, a contest wrapped in simplicity
whether bond or free (yeah)
If you be bingeing on the Man-ufactured FuzzIEs
then you don’t hanker for nutritious things
Whatch’you do is testing
But while You’re combing over every hair (invisibly)
Your will is to Draw us close & sing
to release my heart from self-harming
[Chorus]
God’s spirit Righteous
what man can own, what man may own?
Because Father delights in his children everything goes forward freely
All The World’s light
eye intercept it different; Crests of Light spark, aBruptly grandeur!
Against all I’ve done; how I could not first love Him...
[Verse 2]
I Faced the Light, Remorse Without Shaming
Strong is the ant but its pride won’t scorn the Hawk
Adhere to the Bird’s winking feet even tho ants do other things-
pray it lines up inside, what shows forth on me outsides
For those Wings sure do sweep me out of myself
Will it be this time, My scream rings out to y o u in Freedom?? ?
[Pre-Chorus]
Drunk on excess it’s hard to see
Why you run after what you see when it doesn’t absorb Naturally?
Life’s to have the Vict’ry, but wrapped in simplicity
whether bond or free (yeah)
If you be sliding by on mock FuzzIEs
then you don’t hanker for anything real
Whatch’you do is testing
But while You’re combing over every hair (invisibility)
Your will is to Draw us close & sing
to place Hearts in un-conditioning mu-zeek
[Chorus]
God’s spirit Righteous
what man can Own, what man may Own?
Because Father delights in his children everything goes forward freely
(and this time it’s in his hand) All The World’s light
eye intercept it different: Crests of Light spark off objects, abrUpt & Grandeur!
Against all I’ve done: how I could not first love Him...
[Bridge]
How long did you go waiting to meet me?
As I spent my life for treasure under fearful, lightnings?
Like an orphan, weather bullied me
In your hearth of Love I went Res-ur-recting
[Tweak]
You payed with pain, for my deLive-rance
I Break forth in Fatness
For shriv-eled up sHAmE
What is man alone; But you dispatched for him??
Your young, neither of us whole if a-part
generosity would make us feel nothing,
neither be there a shine lasting…
[Bridge 2]
Why did it take me so long, so-so Long
to see your shields of relief are not inanimate Wishing Tanks?
As I spent my life for treasure under fearful, lightnings?
You got upFront & Generous
When my grief UnDermiNEd earth and taxed Faith’s obscurity
beCause your hearth of Love & Voice of doves I Go Res-ur-recting
[A Great Bridger is dawned] (x2)
A people in Darkness will I have mercy on
the uprightness in my Children is of me
I have split my head on hatchets
We both have at tiny expenses, Entwined to water the Vine
of m~ELODi`es
[Outro]
in wonders hawder than boulders have I been Swaddled
this wholesome Ore I’ve chip’d off is the boondocks of The precog
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This piece sort of tilted on the scales of being really experimental/edgy/modern and being like Lumi said sort of overly conventional/done before. The first verse seemed pretty ordinary, and then by the end of the poem we have much more layered and unique references. I think rather than sort of transitioning through the song to get there it'd be more effective to either go all out edgy or draw it back and be conventional rather than weighing in to both sides in a single piece. I liked the pre-chorus the best. I could follow what you were saying and could imagine someone singing it.
A few specific phrases I liked were "inanimate Wishing Tanks" and "Entwined to water the vine". I also liked the literary reference to precogs but would have loved to have seen that more worked into the rest of the piece. I would also add that author notes would be super helpful in pieces like this so as a reader I can understand more where you're coming from.
Happy writing!
~alliyah
If i went all out edgy many would probably understand about 2% of it I'd estimate.
This one was weird, Wrisky.
There are places where I feel it in 6/8 and others I feel it in 4/4 and that's not a good sign for translation authority between lyricist and reader. Plus, no chords means no tune. I have something in my head and from there extrapolated a nice tune but it was super experimental rock, and some words fit in how they got hammered and how you wrote them to be hammered, but some didn't.
Beyond that, it's a long song, and you don't give us context as to what its genre of music should be. Obviously its theme is godliness, but the genre dictates the instrumentation and vocals. All in all it came off as sounding very second-album Flyleaf, and I didn't like that. I may grab my bass later and play around with it, but essentially you're looking at a 5 chord pattern, say in the key of C#m:
C#m /// /// A /// /// E /// /// Ab /// Cdim ///
Slashes equate to beats in this instance. Lyrically, it's nothing new? I think, again, that your emphatic syntax takes away from the reader's ability to parse the language, and you should take responsibility for it and just stoppppp. You'll get better feedback, I promise. Regardless, the chorus is your weakest point. Address it or have a weak chain.
Lumi
"There are places where I feel it in 6/8 and others I feel it in 4/4 and that's not a good sign for translation authority between lyricist and reader."
Switching time signatures is pretty standard for Medieval music and was also taken up by a lot of Medieval-inspired Romantic composers like Samuel Barber.
ya, the syntax actually does take away in this one. Thanks for reading!