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12+ Language

dIOrama of a Magical reigndeer's Broadcast

by Wriskypump


A/N: Don't worry about the capitalization and weird expressions you see. That's all they are. They are there to emphasize and paint the picture. Like when people sing, comparatively. Friend, I'm ready Now. I can't believe you picked me.

Enveloped by a diagrammatic Winter’s Eve

The snowflakes in the dark seem to hate me

The porchlights abhor my every circuit with seeming derision

Everybody has left their car motionless, and I hark on each one

What is it worth but just transport

It’s partially a social statement. I come to think Their happiness fooly depends

On several things drifting out to the Sea of Variables; & certain loss is VOwed to ye

It’s obvious Doing what’s right will not spare anyone misfortune

For every day we do something that is not right

Eventually my percolation mushes non+plus~ss into their houses, Their great

Scaffolds of Fortresses

Make me think of ant-HIllS. And their skein of wards that breathe & rake over its heaps

like Protective Dragons, necks cOILED around the spouse, kiddos, dog, suit, computer

LiGHt BUlb, toothbrush, sink, stereo speakers, favorite sneakers: - - -

Heavy hearts, like every drop in a cloud of possessions you Take To

Shield yourself with,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water

an unEducated, UNcultured weatherman Magnifies a voice amidst the wedge of Cake

Stepping down from heaven

And as Loud as he Fore-casts the Way some Colossal White Blade coats the Villages

He too often departs unheard

So that the True colors of the pastry are Washed out, & overshadowed By

dainty candles in frailty-frosted, window-slitted crash Pads

Empty Rationale remains because they don’t Rack Their Brains day by day like a Detective

Bury much Emotional build-up behind the cork of bottle Tops & take it out on

the Holidays by refreshing the spirit

Come to settle into the Paternal pleas 15 year-late recommendation now that they’re 30

because it’s too astringent to gaze into The Flames of the Sun which is Demanded

for actually having the knowledge & Reason to be a rebel. Not to sOw wilD oats & B

Frivol, frivel, frivolous..

Egregious Crackdown plows into The bitterness of regretful lives of every Neighborhood

How this Weatherman’s Witnessed so many answers, OH,,, the HeartBRake `

Their needless grief UpBraids!

the ice sculptures that bring my Perfect Peace

And it Sears Through every wingbeat Attached to my shoulder-Blades-`~<_~=.>_<”~~

3 out of 4 dreams a Whirlwind of Crows, while my Steady Home is hooked to the SUN

shine where my Wings have come from.

there is something beautiful about all scares of whatever nature:

They, passing by your eyes, rip blood-plugs all over you

but A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, and Healing has taken over.

do not focus on where you Fell

Focus

on

Why it is you were made to be tripped-Up;

Espy if weather where you really stand

is unequi-Vocally unshakaBLE Ground.

The only souls that know no more war are the Dead, you say

And that seems pretty judicious. And the Dead also know how those that strive to feel Alive

can’t break out

And cast off the Dead-End full of -eroded bombsheLls stikcing out of the Pav'em=a`Net

Elbows’ Strength joust it out with the hopeful refused corpses of Black Friday

I take a charter like a Magical Reindeer through the television

And I sit and bawl underneath the ½%-off signs that suffice to DOUBLE the FuroR

Pinned between childhood’s instinctive chivalrousness

That the world never could put in your Stock because you had some glaring weakness

That defect that you threw out, but through the glass of a Christmas corner-shop never left

the environment peaceful enough where it could decompose; But here’s a Chance

As you kiss Christmas with the vapor of you’re hunger clouds on the window-glass

There’s a hay manger making your fingers frozen to the giftbag

And if you’ll listen

That when I exchanged my demonic attitude of frenetic $Caco$phonie$

This allowed the stone that Scrooge plunked me with to rebound off

And disappear into a drift of God’s Velvet Village reindeer

I have only one grief, only one consternation in life:

That you might reject promises, neglect feelings, desert the heritage to contentment & peace

Among all MY relieving safaris that are rife with wayfaring & curious errands;

That you might discard eternal life

when you can believe it for the skylark of glee rustling beneath my countenance

He Reigns-deer he Reigns deep inside there, a cry so pristine

it uNnerves many who would consult it

But The very voice box it transplanted in me has been fed its living since I was 7 years old

And the first day it burst out of the brush & swOOped AWay with my world ~

~~it was Guardian alone: ~~

as He carried my cantankerous corpse crying out to be let back to dear natural life

All became clear

The suburb sat like an inner arena,

and as the more unoccupied regions changed, all the Manors & tudors magnified & upGRaded

“Earth-loving ones don’t make the Garden I have in mind,

I heard said above before behind & beneath me

For on the ground lewd-icrous abundance of sewers

are fetching to the eye`,

but ruminating upon the axis & objective of My Aerial LaserBeacon of an eye

perpetual Commonwealths operate like gems studded in billowing hills,”

So I ri+coCheted an-die ScrEEd & my body reo!rganized & I sproutedWing$&wentAWOL!!


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Tue May 09, 2017 1:46 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review. I will leave out how I feel about the capitalization and awkward phrases per your author's note.

It was very hard to follow this poem. You don't seem to have any stanza breaks and those really help the reader get a chance to stop for a second and understand what they just read. When it is all in one stanza, it can be hard to read.

You also have some random symbols that made some parts more difficult to read. I would recommend taking out the symbols unless it is for aesthetic or something.

You have certain parts bolded or italicized, which brings importance and emphasis to them (which is what you want right?). It seems like you have random things bolded and italicized, at least I can't understand why they are bolded or italicized.

I would recommend some editing before this is a final copy. Good start, just needs some work. Maybe with differently formatting I will be able to review your content too. Legacy.




Wriskypump says...


sorry, this poem was a helluva time getting the stanzas to work. And it only wanted to include have the poem, and it's kind of overwhelming what happened yesterday with all this stuff... and just, grrrr

But more on the way. And I will try to keep the caps down since it's hanging everybody up. It's simply emotion. There is no code



alliyah says...


Hey Wrisky, here's a link to some of YWS's formatting tips: Formatting poetry #3 It has information about indenting and line breaks and stuff as it can be quite a struggle!



Wriskypump says...


Thanks alliyah!



Thisislegacy says...


I'm glad to see that you added stanza breaks now. I'll let you do any more revising that you have planned and then review again. Best of luck.



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Tue May 09, 2017 4:35 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there, thought I'd stop by for another review.

For this piece I'll try to ignore the odd capitalization and expressions as your author's note suggests (although I'm not sure what else there is to review) :D

So like all your pieces you have an intriguing title, although I'm not sure what sense it makes with the piece as a whole.

The first few lines of your poem seem very grounded in reality, I like that, you paint an interesting picture without all the nonsense surrounding and I feel like I understand what you're talking about. Then we get to this interesting line:

" And their skein of wards that breathe & rake over its heaps
like Protective Dragons, necks cOILED around the spouse, kiddos, dog, suit, computer
LiGHt BUlb, toothbrush, sink, stereo speakers, favorite sneakers:"

I have a really difficult time following here. I'm not sure what any of the stuff has to do with each other and the combination of very articulate formal language now morphing into this very casual modern language is disjointing and takes me out of the piece wondering what's going on in the narrative part of this poem.

It just continues to get more disjointed and nonsensical
"dulls in frosted-&-lacy, frail, window-slitted crash Pads.

Empty Rationale because they don’t Rack Their Brains day by day like a Detective

Bury much Emotional business behind the cork of bottle Tops & take it out on

the Holidays by refreshing the spirit"


I'll be honest I'm a bit torn, because I think some of what you're doing is really clever again because it's pushing the lines of what poetry means, but on the other hand I'm having a really difficult time deciphering if there is any meaning to this piece. I think if it was a piece about disorder or chaos the strange interspersed lists of nonsense would be better recieved because at least they'd go with the message and tone even if the readers couldn't uncover the mystery of what you're talking about.

I liked the part where we get back to the Christmas/Winter scene, there's some interesting religious/spiritual themes here about death and life and sacredness versus spoiled.
Your conclusion after "Rats don't make the Garden I have in mind" again doesn't make sense to me and I feel like I'm reading a bunch of random words thrown together without meaning. (not saying that they are indeed random, but that's just my perception with the last line's strange capitalization etc) I also don't think the italics, bold, or the different symbols add at the end, but would better incorporated the same throughout the piece rather than really emphasized at the end. Unless there's some key or reference into how a reader ought to interpret the different formatting differently.

I think my main piece of criticism is that if you're going to go for a sort of random vibe, that's fine, it's interesting and unique, but maybe try to at least be a bit more thematic. I mean rather than having just complete randomness if there was at least some thread of reality or some piece of continuity I think it'd just be a lot easier to swallow as a reader. That's just my opinion though, and I very well could be missing some technique that you're using here to convey meaning. Again as I said in the last review, I'd love to know more of your process and thoughts behind the piece as it may help me better understand what's going on.

Cheers,
~alliyah




Wriskypump says...


I changed the rats thing. I mean, people are just supposed to be able to pick up what they are able. I struggle communicating sometimes, and I'm also very emotional and I let the world feel me like many are not gifted to do. It is a painful thing often, but greatly enhancing of understanding of difficult things



alliyah says...


Interesting, I like the ommission of the rats part - in fact I'm starting to see the narrative come along in the second half of the poem. I think a lot of the really strong emotions do come through in your writing, but there also has to be some sort of balance you know between sense and non-sense between emotion and narrative so that readers can still connect. There are definitely moments when ambiguity can be really effective, but too much and readers get discouraged even if you're working with really complex ideas here. Thank you for sharing some of your thought process behind the poem. And I look forward to reading more of your work!



Wriskypump says...


spot on, spot on. I'm having to reconsider mucho of me arto at the moment



alliyah says...


Well I wish you the best of luck in that! And honestly don't think you need to change everything just because a bunch of people have negative reactions to the capitalization stuff, I mean sometimes poetry has to push the limits of literature. And experimental poetry is bound to flop once in a while, that doesn't mean it's bad or didn't work. Even a negative reaction is ... a reaction.



Wriskypump says...


xD Your last sentence tickles me!!




Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice