Young Writers Society

Hey Wriskypump,
Myjaspercat back with another review

To start off with, this review is going to be much shorter then the pervious one wrote for you, mainly because I feel like quite a few points that I would address here are already in the other review. Meaning that if you read my other review, you could apply pretty much it all [except for the nit-picks] to this piece of work. As well, when I copied and pasted your poem in to the review box, the formatting got turned around so I'm sorry about that. That said, lets get on with the review why don't we...

Sentimentality creeps up of each time in superfluous days. . . Hmm, I really like this line. It's a good way to start off this poem I think.
The Ruler had smiled and we together flocked thr’u screenings
Upon the Balconies; trading sorrows & benefits overlooking
I got to say, for me, this was a very interesting way of starting off a poem. I liked it.
The Garden I would suggest adding a colon here
But the garden sat in the withering sun
Strung out in fidgety spurts of discontent; Everything it all took a strange,
twist of Fate To have Golden Light prevail I'm a little confused on what this has to do with your previous stanza

The Sultan once asked me How I thought Thought what? The next line feels like it's more of an answer to this line and therefore I'm left a bit confused on what it is that your narrator was asked about.
the best way was to create real contact on my life’s pilGr-image?

Well I’ll have to think about that: If you are going to use the parenthesis, then you don't really need the colon here
(i mean it did seem like all my toil was a self-cosmetic thing:
Surely, oh surely my daily bread...
Is there an end to the parenthesis? Also, how does this final line relate to the previous ones?

Have you any way to make profit day after day after day? I like this question, I feel like it's truly trying to draw your reader in.

Hey now, If you’re alluding I feel as if you're missing a word here I’m too weak or maladroit or idle--
I felt some spark of resentment frak my chest, fast for my neck
A concerned look sank my Friend’s face
Unfurled fingers moved to increase my shoulder’s Health
I shifted, my vision gripping the outskirts of the Province. The mountains were melting coldly along with the close of another day of Tailored Convention & Invariable Activity.
I continued looking Forward, and not the blessings at my Back While I strongly like this stanza, I don't necessarily see it's tie with the piece. As well, the stanza in-itself seems a bit muddled.

I study & study, and I conduct affairs of the estate:
Have I not been instructed by the best, Father, I would recommend a line break here and is the counsel I have received
Not sufficient to tend to my own freehold,
moored by good judgment to keep my compass
Surely, You can take in another pupil, surely there’s another…
(i glanced back from the burnished heavens) I don't know if I like this line here

He didn’t look pleased. Who is the 'He'?
The day is only beginning, seeing as you ask for a New Dawn.
A Tall Order
& Long
of pulverizing pats creased Abruptly! across my back Two things with this final line, first why the exclamation mark in the middle of the sentence, if you want it there then I would start a new line with the rest of the sentence. Second with the words that come after the exclamation mark, I feel like they are a little unneeded, or I don't really see a purpose to them.

Guards, A sudden stone-faced beck went forth, as the lucent sky lionized Him
Make sure he’s well-fed, and Torture him at random intervals

Dad, dad! what’s going on!?? I'm not really wild about all the extra punctuation
We’ll still be in the same house.
Escorts interlocked rough forearms & made a fast_ made a fast what?=-ened of mine
You’ve never acted like this before! ‘On my own’ didn’t mean leave me alone!
Why must I treat the crypt as a home?? Don’t you want the best for your son?

I can still hear his voice, Abide below, from the droppings of my roost Above
All my knowledge mystified & disappointed, I lay in a heap, confounded to the earth’s ends I like the beginning and the ending of this stanza, not really the middle that much

Oftentimes I try my best to catch wind purely of his footsteps,,,[/color=blue] again with the extra punctuation marks[/color]

Legacy here for a review.

This poem was very hard to read because the lines blurred together. I wasn't even able to finish reading it (maybe after editing you could show me and I could give a proper review).

You have this under the category of poetry, but at least for now, it doesn't read like poetry. Line breaks to create stanzas would be helpful. I would recommend a new stanza for every time the subject changes slightly or when you introduce a new idea.

You also have random capitalization. That could help bring your poem together if you have certain letters capitalized.

I would love to give a review about content but first the structure needs to be edited so that it can be easier to read. Legacy. (Please let me know when you edit this and I will re-review this for content).