Young Writers Society

I actually did quite like this but here's my review on it.

So in some parts I do think that its a bit disjointed especially when you have long lines and then straight after you have some short ones like when you wrote...

"What's the deal with your reasons to run away and let your feelings leave you
undefined?

Purpose is fleeing you"

Because of the first line being so long I find I need to take a longer breathe than I should when reading it which breaks up the verse a bit.

I also agree with another comment about your rhyming scheme. It's a good start and I know rhyming can be especially hard but it felt that the only rhyme that was there was very forced instead of flowing.

I also find that the line...

"so’s ya finally gonna do?"

makes the piece fall apart because it breaks it up so much and the line is rather disjointed.

In these parts...

"cos they’re softer than concrete. . ."

"climb a pedestal for an answer after all ...this time."

"Cause you quit trying to dent the quest ...I on"

I just really don't think the ellipses is necessary but overall good job!

Carly's corner:
nice piece first of all! I do not think any work is totally not nice!.. here for a REVIEW!. first of all, I do not think this should have been posted in this section. it would have made more sense were it in the poetry session.

your rhyming scheme , I must say was poor, it seemed like you were struggling to rhyme so many things and it made it so obvious you were forcing the whole thing. I know rhyming is difficult, but I'd advise you let it flow than force it.

** so’s ya finally gonna do?
Finally gut the chance to find a question?
To swirl into the lonelies, and hide your eyes from the parading homies to
climb a pedestal for an answer after all ...this time***
(after all this time)
I didn't think the ellipses was necessary. I think you were trying to achieve a pause or something? that was a wrong punctuation. punctuation matters, in order to enable your write have better imagery of your work.

you can step on your idea a notch, and make the whole message and concept clear, write now, I can't really see anything.. Thanks

Legacy here for a review.

A comment before I start the review. You have this in the lyrics category, but in most cases, lyrics have a constant rhyme pattern and yours doesn't. That doesn't make it lyrics, just something to think about.

Now onward. You have "believe" and "live" trying to make it a rhyme, but that is pushing it a little bit. In most cases they do not rhyme, but it just depends on how it is said I guess.

"We’ve sang hopeless causes to Dream the Hopeful bright new/ But it’s mourning" This line was confusing. I would recommend different wording because I couldn't understand what you were trying to say there.

Overall, this still looks like a work in progress. Personally, I had a hard time trying to follow the story that you are trying to tell. You also have some forced rhymes, which could mean that you have to rewrite this a little bit so that the rhymes aren't forced. Legacy.

Heya!
So, this song seems pretty great over all, but I do have a few minor criticisms. For one thing, you really need consistency. I know, spelling probably won't make a whole lot of difference when you're singing, but it is still important! You write both cos and cause, which mean the same thing and are pronounced the same way, but are spelled differently. I suggest you pick one and stick with. Really its pretty easy to fix, just find and replace.
I am also kind of confused by the lines
"so’s ya finally gonna do?
Finally gut the chance to find a question?"
It seems like, reading it through, gut is actually supposed to be got or get because it really doesn't make sense how it currently is. But I honestly have no idea what the first line means. You might want to make it clearer.
Thanks for the lyrics! They were pretty great. Stay gold!