The hatchery

Hi!

I'm not really a religious person, but this poem seemed interesting to me. I like the imagery and detail you used. I was slightly thrown off by the diction and the punctuation, but that's ok because it didn't take anything away from the poem. Like I said, I'm not really religious so a lot of the references went over my head, but I also felt like I could relate to a few lines like

"being informed is being able to relax"

The line kind of reminded me of when I was trying to figure out things about who I am and what I was feeling towards other girls. Being informed about anything, even knowing in your heart if there's a higher power, really does relax a person.

I also really like the phrase "Affection Crush one another" it sounds really powerful.

So yeah that's about it. I enjoyed your work. Hope you continue your journey as a poet!

-E

Some great lines in this one Wrisky! I liked "cardiac arrest of hoarding" (good metaphor there), "innocence must be too morbid for the likes of hope" (Yes!) another good one was "irrevocable wounds persists".

And then the first line is really excellent as well,

"Take captive the Raw Sheerness of every half-veiled Thought"

So I know you've been getting flack for your emphatic caps. Remember that most younger poets are less exposed to slam poetry while I talk about this, as well as your triumphs and downfalls.

So the biggest triumph you have in your work on-page is that the emphatic caps give the voice of the narrator the proper slam inflection needed so that a recording isn't necessary to really get into the groove and grunge of the piece. It immerses us in that underground coffeeshop vibe and I can practically see your spit flying and your hand gestures on hISSing, which I adored. It's written performance art, and so you get points. This wouldn't be published like this, and you know that. Not in book form. And that's what a ton of YWSers are looking for. But if you look at me and say "this is slam work" then I'll get it. I would also get it if you were preaching because I was raised Pentecostal and some of your works throw me back into the brimstone. It's unpleasant, to be brief.

The downfalls of your work is that the concepts are harder to follow and absorb because of the mental rendering demand. You give us so much to process in so little space that by the end when we understand your tone and inflection, the message has passed. For that reason, I didn't take much from this at all. It was a good performance, but it was not particularly strong poetry. And, unfortunately, poetry is half of slam poetry.

But it seems you have the slam part down-pat. Work on the poetry. Really work on the poetry.
Ty

Take captive the Raw Sheerness of every half-veiled Thought
It’s all as a burn
Sizzling sigils spending my life’s memories
(scatter-brained)
It’s dark rendezvous alone in the park with the insects & the morning doves;
It’s scribbling in vain w/ a pen choking on the last dithered supplantations of ink
trying to rope open a rusty, stingy treasure Chest



Why can’t we all just mope together?
allow waves of Affection Crush one another?!!?
With little duration it somehow always will re cycle back to mirth.
How: do We Cart off our child-hood Mountain of discoveries like good riddance & reF-USE
Down NYC’s ever-sparkling Hudson River in caskets
Without even so much as making a demonstration of it
by Pro-cessionsof Japanese Lanter{ns
memorializing our Burb@ling thoughts back there…



innocence must be too Morbid for the likes of
Hope reasonable enough to debonAirly propel us back to Those Days.
What seems to us lost beyond redemption
Was merely “Weighed” as youth was Incubated
passed through the Snatchery of uncertainty of What ever The Aim of life to enJoin:
this selection after repetitious reflection of personal highest Priorities
unintensionally compromised first, Soon thereafter
-- intentionally $uppressed and sold Out -- but In thE cLue-Less of nowhere
for the minimum desirability stemming from Pop or Mum



The screaming, the flailing
of long-Attacked concord resists
The gleaning of Envy’s Empty Entities insists
The rending, of iRRe-vocable wouNDs... persists...



I have studied too much not to lift up my voice So the rescue can Come
Before we all get bent over & raped
by Strangers in Pent-Up-houses, telling me to let all Blind {peaceful beliefs walk\
Stranger, sky-sc`rapists
Deploy tabloids to coffee addicts
So that the free-thinkers are Daily tHinKin’ we must be Foster Children
in the Universe



hISSInG in front of inner-child abolitionists’ blood-warm mugs
The Sugar-caked: swirls; form humanity’s bonds… : ;
(I’m tellin’ you demons influencing human believing):
by getting us concentrating on sulfuric anger & bitter resentment down hear an’
Repercusses in every ambition, the claim of things we need to hold onto
For life to be leisure
breaking our Will & Time to search for universal truths
So that we stave it off with some mid-morning Snack
cause we are too unwilling An Honest Look at the world to face
At the self - to get informed
when being informed is being able to relax
and also the only way to keep from being conformed



It’s a pathetic reck when we don’t know enough to know
We should research more of the gummed-up stuff, so we can live separate
From man’s redunduncies
Either go Ballistic to `a Start fishin’ for you epochs } ] - in your tears
Or the surprise of the profound SYZE of your crypt
Will only earn you the Incredulous Tower of Scorn
OvereaChing the out-of-bounds of the truly Sovereign Authority
That we should all Kn-nock on God’s door somehow
Against
The cardiac Arrest of Hoarding, of selfishness
Which is as trusting in a spider’s web that you needn’t settle for earth’s unfulfillment
Hear Jesus say, “Come in, Come in! I’d gladly welcome your eternal reversion
-back-where you scratch your head that humans came from My beloved,”
This is great write. Keep it up.