The echo tolled, deaf'nin' As she beamed silent, susurations clan Destine. Somber music came promptin' A timid bond they both wanted To CraCk like a transparent glass Ba-Loon. His response hesitant, became a man marooned
Peg legs opening, clip Gasp lopsidling, full o f falter They strode HighHorse "together" Heavy as a downy feather. in hushes of breath, lungs lobotomized, drew fire; With hint of coy glances, they teetered on the high wire
To achieve balance, they learned to lean close:
The wintry crawl of first contact, cooked flesh internal. Infectious smiles, to and fro washed; Gentle waves painted over anguish infernal Gave birth to epic poise--tension tossed. They traded charge as host
Time obsolete Gravity lost hold in defeat The pair weaved through dimensions Giving Space hallucinations
Long locks swept atop spiraling body, Gushed iridescent colors, blanketing sea, mountain, forest. Limitless prospect in a world so gaudy; Their pressed lips, the crowning moment, topped off the torrent.
Energy well spent, induh-catin' Waxen hairs solemn, pensive exhiliration.
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139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I KNEW YOU WHERE PRETTY UNPREDICTABLE BUT I NEVER SUSPECTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHILE STALKING -cough- -cough- I MEAN BROWSING YOUR PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream at a wall! I want to jump to the moon! I want to poke my big toe! This is amazing!!!!!!!!!! SO GOOD SO GOOD SO GOOD! I am literally freaking out right now! THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS AMAZING LITERARY WORK MADE BY OUR WONDEROUS FRIEND! Have a beautiful day/night, friend. JESUS LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahahaha, this is so old... I was going to rejuvenate this a few months ago buuuuut I never did. Somebody 3 years ago told me to listen to any random song and just start writing down any thoughts coming to mind. I don't remember which song I chose, but i remember it was Country, lol
Are you from the south???
Yeah, but that's not why I wrote it
I know.
Hey! XD
I was expecting something very 'country' from this judging by the write up.
And you started off to my expectations:
'The echo tolled, deaf'nin''
But after that, you were using proper English and everything and it detracted from the potential character of the piece somewhat.
'Indicating energy well spent
Waxen hairs reigned--solemn and shoddy.'
In fact, I think the piece sort of goes off on a tangent completely, like, I am trying to find how these details are relevant, but I'm not sure.
It's definitely well written, just not necessarily in a coherent order, and I was expecting more character from the piece.
Overall, a well written work, just needed a little ingredient 'x' for me.
It wasn't supposed to be all that country, just the song was country so I threw in that one minor spot XD. Maybe my write up is somewhat misleading. Maybe I'll change to deafening. It doesn't seem anyone takes a likin' to it
Thank you for a wonderful review!
Hi Wriskypump!
I really enjoyed this poem. I haven't read your other poetry, but this definitely makes me want to give it a try. Do you do more of this performance type of poetry? This works so perfectly out loud and I can just imagine this being read on stage. My favourite part is possibly the first stanza, I think it's such a perfect start to the poem, rhythm-wise and otherwise. I love "transparent glass balloon", but I'm not sure why you wrote "deaf'nin'" instead of deafening - I didn't think it did anything different to the rhythm or rhyme, really. That's the only thing about this I would change.
I'm not exactly sure of the topic, but I just thought of, I don't know, 1800s and Jane Austenish characters or perhaps even Marie Antoinette. I really like that sort of eras and I find it creative and refreshing to combine something like that with a modern performance poem form.
I honestly can't think of much else to say other than I loved it.
Demeter x
Hi Demeter, and thanks! So as for performance poetry and rhyming, I don't do it very often. Usually my poems are very unstructured when it comes to most rhythm. My free verse is very free XD. I didn't write this with the intention of being performance, but it certainly could. I originally had deafening, but changed it to what it is now because I thought it deserved a minor country shout out since it was partially inspired by such genre of song. I didn't think it helped or hindered, just changed it for that reason
And could definitely see 1800's now that you mention it, but that is probably because dancing is an outdated tradition
Thanks again! this was an insightful review, and I always like to hear the favorite part of the reader to help me see what sorts of things in poetry really draw attention!