[Verse 1:]
Internal Revenue, that's the only place it's at
Summa cum laude, Ceremony ran dead
into the building's
white door.
Memory like insanity#after a Feast, The trampled shrapnel;
Vincibility's corridor,
a door pushed is an ambush
A Behemoth Greece couldn't bethink 'cumbers…
my soul
[Chorus:]
Oh, Days of my youth!
I rode the carou-sel
it should be pronounced kuh-Rousal
I mean just, think of your stupidity!
Future mapped out,
Said, "look mom, I'll be a superhero,"
Swappin' parts with too many other guys
but with one scratch at your head there just wasn't an itch
When the cogs were still fresh, belief was never far-fetched…
[Verse 2:]
How to get out of this,
Livin' day to day, just a Ro-bot.
Handful of dangling wires, somehow organ-IZation in these lines?
What do I fight:
I Foresee myself aging
On the precipice of a Parapet, rust leaving my hollows misshaped
I needed to spectate
Corpses & The scarecrow, we all should take long walks…
with Time's reaper
[Chorus:]
Oh Days of my youth!
I-rode-the carousel
Put one foot on their Wits
Humor was paltry; anggggg-uish hit-N'-Dismiss'd!
so disappointed
Strokes of shame profounded lessons
Taking turns striping into my hide
Thennn! I figur'd I'd OBserve & eventually cosset special peeeople
[Chorus echo]
Yet I had to change plans again
Came the Day to seize fine hearts
but I was running…
I saw my feeet be-traaayyy me!
[Bridge:]
My voice felt shaky; with vEinS, capillaries thICKening
No one to understand, to KnOOWWW what I Was, Loooooking forrr,
[The ReCurrent:]
It was a Fant-ASY!
But I knew everyone else dreamed,
sketched 'long the same pencil lisps
Still I, strove to bottle insCRUtabilities!
Dedicated my mind
Gave fear set times to reside,
but noticed no accommodation, for
I-felt-my-Tongue's Re-seedin' tide a-gain
I NEEDED a field
Where humans COULD harvest touch,
A club without suits
Play cards senti-MEANTal to their chest!
Pipe dream went crack'd
Snivels, my nose vomit deep into books
Authors arthritic in Inventiveness:
It was like
"Da-A-mn!!"
I don't need to be a hEE-EERO-o
Can’t we set up in a TreeeE! ! - you & me watch the grOUNd stretch our mi-eends?
All This fled from sight (couldn't be a leader)
(it had looked good on paper)
And then ashen skies gave to flurry…
(snow globe shaking for me)
power speaking once again, (it knew ME)
"I'll show you, little dawg
to love more than yourself.
The Past I have crossXed (and into your blackest nIghtmare)
I travel, disinterested the sky is my floorboards."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Intriguing title on this one! There seems to also be quite a lot less as far as religious references here, but still some good lines. Your chorus seems like it would have good flow as a song, although the meaning is a bit opaque to me.
A few places you have some odd lines that are almost mixed metaphors that don't quite work logically, and I can not figure out if that was intentional or not. For instance you have a line about "nose vomit" (graphic, but very odd). And another line about "pencil lisps" which could be a play on word like "penciled on lips". I would say something that would help this song is a bit more direction/theme. You have the graduation, future stuff running through it but why the snow globe (winter) if it's about graduation (generally in spring?). There's also just a few lines that don't seem to build up the theme. It didn't seem as layered as some of your religious poems, but I can see some of the lyric/flow work that's been done.
Best,
~alliyah
The Ceremony stuff just means I'm not interested in money or business. I'm interested in people's hearts & minds instead. I'd rather a rustic evening in nature with someone. Pencil lisps means people are mapping out their dreams but they don't really know what they want or what it means to dream a dream except that it's somehow wondrous to achieve, so their drawing kind of slides off track and becomes smudged and blurry
Interesting song. I'm not sure if I am correct in interpretation, but I think that it means our lives are uncertain, but we can have dreams and we can carry on seeking those dreams, even if they seem impossible. If I am correct, this is a great message to send. I'm sure the song would sound better with a tune, like with a piano part or other instruments, but without this, it was kind of difficult to find rhythm. There are also a few unnecessary words here and there, but I do like some of the language, such as "A Behemoth Greece couldn't bethink 'cumbers… my soul". Also, you don't really need to draw out the words like thennnnnn. It isn't necessary. You can still tell which words should be drawn out, especially when you put words to it. I like the idea of a snow globe that wouldn't shatter. The way the lyrics are written, it seems like the snowglobe is the world around you and you get to choose your course. Your world is unbreakable.
I like it! There are so many different things that it could mean Good job! Stay awesome.
Thanks! but no it means all our dreams get shredded to pieces if we insist on them being bound to earth. There ain't nothing that won't decay here, in this age. Jesus showed me He was the only one who could keep dreams coming true
I see. That's even better! I totally agree.