When he was a lad
He always thought he'd amount to something,
Then he grew a bit
And decided he was worth nothing.
Before age struck him down
He liked to look at himself and imagine his future.
Now he smells demise
With every critique in the mirror.
"How am I so awesome?"
He used to ask, grinning wide,
Now, "How am I such a loser?"
Is all that comes to mind.
Untroubled by worldly woes
Jolly and courteous was his manner,
But the burdens piled high;
'Screen the painful truth with well-meaning lies' - his banner.
Now everyone liked him
For he would side with all the arguments,
Afraid of rejection
Both teams were violently praised, delivered false confidence.
Now wanting no enemies
He set himself up as prey for the ambitious,
Not standing his ground
A real-life Devil's advocate, unaware his approach was malicious.
Wrongly loved he so many
The few he cared for properly could not be deciphered,
But love, a foreign language
Now could be translated and learned truly, this he encountered.
Yet, when time came to speak
His tongue floundered; Knowledge was not inbred.
Out of sync with his body
Love, friends, and family unraveling; Isolation embraced him instead.
Then his mind fled, unstable
As he twisted precariously on the edge of all Hell, racked by grievous sobs,
"How much can I take?"
Spinning sly tales Insanity crept in, "Finish it Now, Dear boy! You have no job."
Ears wide open
He strained to pick up a voice beyond the haze;
Ashamed to be regarding "myths"
Now he silenced himself, entering an anxiety-filled phase.
Contact was no option
Eyes leaking contamination, palms draped his face so they'd never know.
Did people really stare?
Better safe than sorry, he sank further into his private hell hole.
Weaving patterns so vibrant
Insanity seemed sound, supplying all the clues.
Following the mutilation
Now dismembered, he lamented to possess something left to lose -
Refurbish the menace
Dreams a release until nauseated back to death by reality's stench,
Bad habits browbeat him comatose
Now shadows reached forth; glares of sun fuse spine to jaded flesh.
Remaining last was sense
Guns in mind: if taken up, life after death should he forfeit. No recompense.
{When he was a lad}
He strained to remember what was so different about
Now and then:
There was always room to grow; so why did he pout?
Before age plucked him up
He liked to look at the mirror and wonder why there were two
If only one Him could exist,
Yet they clung to each other no matter how distant space grew.
Now he was aggravated: Something he couldn't quite recollect.
"What did I forget?"
He thought, scanning memories of childhood.
"Now I finally get it!"
He pulled out a worn book, caked with dust it had accrued.
"It's been here all along…"
He pulled it closer, unveiling the cover as he blew.
"And all the trials I put myself through…"
He fanned through the pages, vision blurred,
As pools of joy flooded God's Word.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Messenger here to review for you on ReivewDay!
This whole poem just flowed perfectly. I only have one nitpick
Change the comma to a period, it will really look better, and I think the comma is grammatically incorrect.
So I read this because I saw in your description that it had some hope at the end, so I pushed through it. And I have to say that despite the very sad tone (which you wrote every bit perfectly) I really enjoyed your style. It was deep with meaning and yet easy to read and even though there was a rhyme scheme, you told it so much like a story that it flowed end over end. I've rarely read poems that flow this smoothly.
As the poem progressed it sounded like lots of stories I've heard (thankfully never experienced though) but the whole time I was waiting for the ending. What was it going to conclude into? How would this turn out well? I wasn't expecting the ending at all until you mentioned the book. Then I guessed it immediately.
In all honesty it blew my mind away. I really didn't know you were a Christian so I wasn't even thinking about the bible as your answer to the problems. But I was super happy to see this poem end in such a way. And the last line just hit me like a bulldozer. It was really powerful.
I really can't say enough about how much I loved this poem. If you write anymore stuff like this let me know!
~Messenger
Thanks Messenger!
It seems you'd be right about the misfit of that comma 
If I do, I'll be sure to let you know xD I'm glad you haven't had travel into that dark place.
Hey there! Here's a review for you, representing team blue as we continue to lush through their magnificent March review day!
First of all, this poem is pure awesomeness. The concept if a man who used to approach life with fiery anticipation and unbridled hope for a bright future who has been (seemingly) irreversibly changes is quite profound. I especially loved how you even incorporated some dialogue into this poem as well. That really made it feel a lot closer to the reader and it brought me into the kind if the man in the poem. In my belief, poetry is the emotional literary form, and you did an excellent job of conveying this man's emotions through your diction and the use of said ddialogue.
The best part of this poem I think is the very end where he finds the Bible and starts to change his outlook on life. I'm not a very religious person, but I certainly believe in the power of redemption. I think that using that tangible symbol as a means to represent his commitment to an new outlook on life and the beginning of a positive metamorphosis.
As far as constructive criticism goes, I don't have much of anything to harp on. This was very well written and I enjoyed reading it. Nice job! Worry for any typos I made here, as I'm reviewing from my iphone instead of my laptop today. Happy review day and always keep writing!
P.S. That don't is hella cool. -_-
Eh, don't worry bout typos
Thank you very much!
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
Now, I have no clue why this is still in the green room but here I go.
Whether this comes from your personal experience or if this is a consequencial poem coming from something else, this is good.
It's a relatable piece explaining that point in time when every person ends up comparing their current life to their childhood and wondering where it went wrong. Sometimes it's the ignorantly blissful state that children are in that they are still learning how the world works, and at this point is when we realize that the troubles of the world are real and great and unfortunately mostly out of our control.
The flow was nice until this line "Then his mind fled, unstable" I feel like the word 'unstable' is frankly unstable on its own and this statement needs a complete thought. For example "Then, his unstable mind finally fled" or something like that.
Also, I rather liked the subtle rhyme scheme until I noticed one that didn't rhyme.
"The few he cared for properly could not be deciphered,
But love, a foreign language
Now could be translated and learned truly, this he encountered." Deciphered and encountered don't rhyme..hmm..Maybe you could change the words to ones that do. Try rhymezone.com
Keep up the fantastic work and have a nice day/night!
~Purple
Now a lot of poems that I see that have a setting like this that end poorly for the character like in Po's work or end with nothing changed, although your work here changed that and ended how a happier note. Now For my taste (nothing wrong with what you have here) I would increase the narcissism in the beginning with the child and by describing the despair he feels in the middle would make the resolution in the so much more sweet.
Thanks for a wonderful review!
I would like to say this is from experience and I was not narcissistic, more like neutral or an average liking of myself. You've got to like yourself a little.
Hello, Wriskypump! Griff here to review this amazing piece of yours!
Wow. Just wow. This is really a masterpiece. It started out beautiful, tugged on the heartstrings just right, drew me in, made me feel what he was feeling, and spit me out again with a feeling of hope. Well done. Well done.
This piece is a refreshing change from depressing to joyful. I was concerned that it would end with suicide or something equally horrible, but not only did you end on a cheerful note, you brought God into it. That took a lot of skill.
Obviously, the last line is my favorite. I also loved the repetition of "When he was a lad." I think the theme and lesson in here was fantastic. It spun a lovely tale of a man fallen from grace, forgetting the true meanings of life to the lies of society and "fitting in". So many of us fall for this trap, but then you spun it around to focus on the Truth! Awesome. This is really, really grand.
You also have a remarkable vocabulary. It made the poem rich and the story deep at the same time.
Overall, this is an amazing piece in my opinion. It may be a bit too long for me, but I have attention problems, and I couldn't tell you a specific part to remove, because it is all so well written and thought out! Great job.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thank you for your time!
yes I didn't want it too end as usual. There is hope, real hope.
There certainly is. That's why I loved this.
Wow, such a beautiful flow in your wording.
I loved your lines they are strong and absorbing.
I liked the length of your writing, it gives impact to the reader.
A strong, beautifully written piece!
thanks
Now a lot of poems that I see that have a setting like this that end poorly for the character like in Po's work or end with nothing changed, although your work here changed that and ended how a happier note. Now For my taste (nothing wrong with what you have here) I would increase the narcissism in the beginning with the child and by describing the despair he feels in the middle would make the resolution in the so much more sweet.