The color of madness on her cheek,
the sweet flash of auburn sunrise
flaring as the bells of her laughter chime,
a twirling finger and a flurry of helm as -
the sound of madness past pierced lobe;
the distant boom of bass, the crash of
high-hats and high heels on churned glass
that grates between teeth and gum and -
the taste of madness a tingle on her tongue:
slow and harsh, quick and languid, passionate
grunts as the drink drips from the perfect 'o'
of her mouth while foreign teeth slash at -
the smell of madness upon a mossy tomb,
coniferous bark like a bitter balm, the heavy
branches shielding her hunched shoulders from
the afternoon sun and the scent of rain on -
the touch of madness in her frigid smile,
rheumatic fingers pulling at the quirk of
her lips, shaking, shivering, her hollow eyes
dripping
and the color of madness on the walls.
------------
A/N: I toyed with the last two lines for hours, but nothing seemed to work, so I deleted everything and left it like this over the night. When I checked back in the morning, it actually seemed like a decent ending, so I decided to stick with it. I dunno how well it fits, so any suggestions on that are reeeaally welcome. But now I'm just rambling, so hope you enjoyed, and any opinions would be awesome. ^^ Cheers!
I love how you write! Omg its so cool. I love how you weave the words together to form something that is so interesting. The title really intrigued me so I clicked on it, and I'm glad I did. I can totally relate to this!
"the touch of madness in her frigid smile,
rheumatic fingers pulling at the quirk of
her lips, shaking, shivering, her hollow eyes
dripping
and the color of madness on the walls." This part made me ask myself if I was high, its so amazing! I love it and I can't wait to read more of your work : ) <3 xxx, Claire
Haha, thanks!
Wow........That was awesome. The part where you wrote,''The touch of madness in her frigid smile,'' and then later,''The color of madness on the walls.'' Really resulted in a feeling of..well.......madness!- And some words you used were perfect for the feeling you were trying to convey(I think)..That was the first poem I clicked on when I found this site and I just thought,''wow.that.was.awesome.'' So....yeah. Your poem rules and I hope to run into some of your other poems while browsing this site.
Oh and the decent ending was cool
Thank you. ^^
Okay, time for some reality.
First off-capitalization. If you aren't capitalizing every first word, don't capitalize any.
Second-try to actually take time, and think about the difference between 'o' and "o". You need to learn what an apostrophe is, and what quotation marks are.
Third-don't make a new line for a word that goes in the line before it. Sometimes that works and brings some artistic feelings into it, but this doesn't seem to be intentional. Revise before it meets other's eyes.
Finally-the dashes. What's up with the dashes at the end of each stanza? It seems to me that you did that on purpose, but it doesn't seem to anything but make it possible to have more stanzas. Tsk tsk.
Overall, this was an iffy poem that, on a good day, I would give around.... lets say.... a 2.75/5 I would study up before writing another one. You have the ability, just the planning or the work to show for it.
$$$Ziggy$$$
Hmm, what's with the aggressive approach? I value negative criticism, but there's no need to attack the work.
1) The whole poem was actually just one sentence, with all the dashes and how you can continue from one stanza to the other because of the linking words, so the capitalization shows this: first letter capitalised because it begins the sentence, then lack of periods or capitalization, then a period at the end.
2) ...Okay. Erm. Time taken? I used the apotrophes because quotation marks looked too daunting in the stanza, when I initially wrote it, and it felt to me that they stuck out to the eye and stole too much attention from the rest of the rather run-on lines of the stanza. The choice was one of visual aesthetics.
3) This is something I can work on, I'll give you that. I start and end lines on what feels good to me, instead of giving it any real, analytic thought. So yeah, valid point that I'll work on.
4) The dashes were there to distinguish one flash of her life from the next. The stanzas are a progression of madness, but also a progression of one girl's life.
Alright, it was an iffy poem. That in itself tells me nothing else than that there is something I need to work on. In future reviews, state clearly what it is that makes the work at hand iffy, so that the writer can actually know what they have to work on in order to better it. Here you've stated a couple of things you saw as small stylistic errors, and that would never merit such a drop in score. I'd like to know what about it felt iffy to you, so that I can un-iffify it, in this one or in the next poem I write.
First, let me say I love this. Some things I will address though:
Grammar:
Change it to perfect "o" instead of perfect 'o'.
If you aren't going to capitilize, the put the first line in lowercase too. Normally I hate it when this happens, but with your poem, I believe it could work. I still prefer proper capitilization though-you can call me old-fashioned.
Content:
I applaude you for doing something different from a typical teenage poem of love of not being accepted. I really loved how you chose something different, and it really stands out.
Flow:
The words spilled from my mouth while reading this and it was so smooth! The rhythm here is great. Superb job here!
Overall, it was great. The ending is a good one as well. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay
The 'o' was a choice of visual aesthetics, as "o" looked too attention-catching in the stanza. I understand the grammatical issue, but it looked wrong to me in this instance. The capitalization was correct; the whole poem can be read as one long sentence, which is why only the first word is capitalized and there is only one at the end.
Thanks for the review.
only one period at the end*
Okay so I am going to review this piece today, and I hope it is of some help.
What I liked:
1. The flow. The fact you go from one sense to another so fluidly makes it read really well.
2. The description. Under the sound and touch stanza's I felt like I could see and hear the things you described to me. Great job.
3. The format. I don't know how people will react to your formating of this. I for one enjoyed each pattern you have, the reptition of madness, the way you end each stanza, they fit really well with the overall piece.
What I didn't like:
I am being really nitpicky with this beacuse I liked it so much and would love to see it be really good.
1. "the sound of madness past pierced lobe" I don't like the word past. It is too harsh of a word for me. I want to read it as the word passed not past. It doesn't sound right.
2. "passionate
grunts as the drink drips from the perfect 'o'
of her mouth while foreign teeth slash at" The punctuation is missing for me. I think there should be a comma after grunts and mouth. I read it with it there and when I try not to the whole stanza reads too fast and the flow is disrupted.
3. Sometimes it is really clear about what you are trying to say, other times, not so much. I would either want to be told to imagine something with exact detail, or be given an idea and left to make my own assumptions, not both. Your first stanza is a prime example. You don't give so much detail, but at the same time in the next line don't. My advise: stick to one or the other.
I will be honest. I don't love the end. I like the idea of madness dripping on the walls, but you use color already. Why not try to combine all the senses, make it so "she" is maddness, because that is what I am reading. This person is the essance of madness, so make it clear at the end.
Overall: I would give this a 6 and 1/2 out of 10. It needs work, but not too much. There is so much potential in this piece i would love to see it become even better. I hope this help and keep up the good work.
Your third point of what you didn't like is a very interesting one, something I've never even thought about. The ending is supposed to bring it full circle, with the poem starting on color - an innocent girl's blush - and ending on color - madness on the walls. This is to emphasise the change throughout her life. Your ending suggestion is an interesting one as well, I think I'll write a stanza with that message and see how I like it.
I'll work on it, thanks.
I hope you don't mind my opinion and my opinion is I think you did a great job and I love how you described everything I'm new to this site and I was just looking and some poetry when I noticed this I'm glad I clicked on it to because this has been a pleasure to read
Thanks!