"Here I sit and hesitate:
should I shit or masturbate?"
I am in a public toilet
and cannot merely soil it
with the juices of my loins -
but another thought joins!
I have the freedom of choice,
to pick wrongly and rejoice;
it's public for a reason,
masturbation is not treason.
I won't be sent to jail for it -
Oh noes! Here comes the shit!
I can't keep it back much longer,
Fast as fuck I museth ponder.
I have the time for only one,
just outside waits my mum.
My question lies: to give in
to my lust (in selfish sin)
or relieve myself of strain?
Lo, I clench my head in pain!
Then an idea springs to mind,
the gears up there lock and grind.
Minutes later I wash my hands
Empty stomach, empty glands.
Grinning at the mirror I have to ask,
"Who said men can't multitask?"
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi WaitingForLife. So, all I can say is that I am really glad you have an 18+ rating on this, because it is on a rather foul subject matter. In fact, I usually would not be reading this sort of thing at all, but I can't say this didn't crack me up. I think some subjects in poetry have been very over done and I have to hand it to you that I don't think I would be able to get anything good out of this subject. I also think it is awesome that are using inspiration from what is around you. Sometimes young poets thing they have to write about ravens like Edgar Allen Poe, but that is what he saw in his time, we need to write about what we know. I also like how you didn't use flowery language; it was a nice change from some of the recent poetry I have seen out there because poets don't seem to realize that they don't need to use 'thou art' to be a good poet. Though, a good vocabulary can really help when you are trying to rhyme!
As for the poem itself my first question came up when you said 'just outside my mum waits.' I am assuming that this is from a male perspective because you are a guy, and it just seems a bit off. I know your mom could be waiting for you to finish, but even just his mom being there kind of threw me for a loop. Who would masturbate when their mom was waiting outside the bathrooms for them... I personally wouldn't, but I guess there could be other opinions out there.
Also:
When I read through the poem for the second time I noticed this part. 'Noes' is obviously a made up word, but I have heard it before. 'Museth' on the other hand I've never seen used. I know earlier I said that it was good to use the vocabulary you naturally have, yet I also think that 'museth' really just could be 'muse' or whatever you meant. Even if 'museth' is two syllables and 'muse is only one' you can figure something out so it doesn't throw off your rhythm. Besides for those small nitpicks the way you write your poem is really all about your opinion. I think you could benefit in a few places from reading the poem aloud and paying attention to your rhythm, but there are no places where it is completely off.
If you have any questions or want another review just P.M. me. I hope I helped!
- Calli
P.S. I love the ending for this! Don't change it. I mean, seriously, men can multitask when they want two things bad enough.
That was interesting to say the least. I respect how you test the restraints of poetry to form a piece like this, kudos for that. I usually don't like poems that rhyme but you did it in a very well thought out way so it works very well with the subject manner. Really, other then the odd subject manner it was quite good. Keep pushing the boundaries of censorship and political correctness, you do it rather well.
.......................................................................................*eh* What?
Good luck!
Hi, WaitingForLife.
You know what this sounds like? This sounds like rap lyrics. Even though, you're a great writer, this made me realize it would be nice if people would get inspired with topics that edify humanity in a better way. Lol. xD Just sayin'. It was kind of vulgar, seriously. But oh, well... to each his own, right?
~Solly<3