legs splayed, skin flayed, i'm clutching these fallen feathers to my bosom, crafting crutches for my crippled wings. the frame of spit and stubborn insistence i see wavering from doubt, its woodwork shivering from the strain of a cold, cold bed. i surrender my right hand to support the skeletal borders of a chance. the fluttering plumage i clench between my jaws, their ink-points shredding ridges into my cheeks; blood mixes with spit, strenghtens the brew, colors over a bleak gray. a left hand, hopefully mine, clings onto the halo, strangling its struggles. tears choke my eyes, the pressure shallowing breath, triggering spasms; feathers, feathers all around, blood-shot eyes watch them drown. My mouth is full. A/N: Written some time ago when this held true to my own feelings. It portrays the final step to resignation.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey! Pixie here to review!
I really like this peice to be honest, though I see some things that could be made even better!
the format and the font. Maybe change both differently. Though this may look more..."Typsetting" and in the theme, you need to think of what might be easier to read, you know? So, you could make it maybe Times new roman or something. Maybe the regular font?
Another, How you start a sentence. Remember the #1 rule in the senteces_along with grammar_~
-Always start a sentence - in this case - line.
Like in this stanza-
The lines need to be capitalized!
Other than that, everything was great! The detail...everything! Keep writing, and if you ever need another review, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall!
~Katie
Here is my edited version, it is just my suggestions.\
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Legs splayed, skin flayed, i'm
Clutching these fallen feathers to my bosom,
crafting crutches for my crippled wings.
The frame of spit and stubborn insistence,
i see wavering from doubt, its woodwork shivering,
from the strain of a cold, cold bed.
(I just fixed a few punctuation errors.)
I surrender my right hand
to support the skeletal borders of a chance.
The fluttering plumage I clench between my jaws,
their ink-points shredding ridges into my cheeks;
blood mixes with spit,
strenghtens the brew,
colors over a bleak gray.
(I sortof re-formated this one, in my mind this is how I read it. I fixed a few capitalization errors.)
A left hand, hopefully mine, clings onto the halo,
strangling its struggles.
Tears choke my eyes, the pressure shallowing
breath, triggering spasms; feathers, feathers
all around, blood-shot eyes watch them drown.
My mouth is full.
(Fixed some capitalization, and I changed the formating a bit.)
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Well, you have a good idea here. I think you should work on your rhyming or "flowing" more. Try reading the poem aloud a few times and think about words.
I like the whole idea behind this, but it is kinda hard to read.
Keep it up and Keep practicing!
~Rainn