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Young Writers Society


12+

Four Cigarettes and an Odd Amount of Alcohol

by WaitingForLife


Four cigarettes and many bottles of beer ago
I was hurt, a five year old sweating in a large, blue bed,

my bone splintered, pointy elbow encased in a cast.
They bought me a stuffed bunny, kept round with

happy thoughts and well-wishes, they told me,
and I smiled and they smiled and I got better.

Then came the empty cans of beer and the few
cigarettes pushed upon me, the smoke

that was said to be bitter curling deliciously on my tongue,
the booze rising as unfailingly as a newborn's scream -

a spike to the brain where it danced and spun and
cackled. The worn bunny lay in my closet, never

forgotten, yet rarely acknowledged. Three lingering trails
of pluming cancer streaking the skies, three dull glows

shrunk to a sullen dribble of ashes in a grimy glass,
and we brought home a puppy. She rode in my lap,

nose touching tail, a tight curl of warmth seeking
warmth which I shared without a thought and I

smiled. My fourth cigarette a smoldering memory,
I arrived home from school to find my stuffed rabbit

on our mat, the weak puppy suckling the stitched nose
with eyes closed and ears quietly relaxed. I remember

an arrest of the heart, a twinge in the tight-knit cords
of my self, for this was my hurt, my recovery, my smile.

The puppy slunk back, noticing me, and whimpered.
Four cigarettes and an odd amount of alcohol later

I stared at the stuffed bunny and rubbed my elbow
and felt no pain. I thought back to a little, scared boy

in a too-large bed, thought of a time of sweat-streaked
blankets. I thought and I lifted up the snuffling puppy,

placing her next to my hurt, my recovery, my smile
and made it her hurt, her recovery, her smile.

---------

A/N: As a side note, all of the 'ands' are intentional, mostly to build speed where I want it, and are not a horrible mistake in grammar. Well, they aaare -- but it's intentional, so that makes it all better. Heh. Rebel. Me.

Anyway, an experiment with structure, this one. Never tried writing a narrative, real-life poem before, either, which was an interesting experience. I'd love to hear some thoughts on this.

Oh, and true story, bro.

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Tue Mar 05, 2013 2:26 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey there.

I liked this a lot. The images were great, and all the ands didn't even register to me as wrong. You are allowed to keep the "ands" you mentioned because they work. Next time, don't mention the ands and see who picks up on them. I don't think many would.

You do tend to be a bit wordy, and that sometimes throws off the rhythm of your poem. For example, in the first line, "of beer" makes the line two syllables too long, and it can be fixed easily. All you have to do is leave out "of beer." It's understood (when mentioned after cigarettes) that the bottles contained some kind of alcohol, if not beer.

I was hurt, a five year old sweating in a large, blue bed,

Here, too, it feels a bit too long. You also have an opportunity for a stronger image here. "large" and "blue" have one obvious object in common: the ocean. If you say "sweating in an ocean bed" you have an image of something a little more sinister, as well. If you want to go that way. You could also find something else that is large and blue that is less sinister (the sky, perhaps), and use that to create a mood as well. This line also sets others up to be confusing. I think you should say instead "as a five year old sweating in an ocean bed." Later lines (ones about cigarettes and alcohol) seem too close on the timeline to the five year old (if you take that suggestion, you'll need to revise the following line so you haven't got a sentence fragment). If you start it like this, it feels even more like it was in the past than it sounds now. And you need more definition in that area.

They bought me a stuffed bunny, kept round with

You need to define "they." It's probably your parents, but I don't know, and that's the thing. The first time I read this line, I read it as kept round (as in around, just shortened). I think you should say "made" instead of "kept" to improve clarity.

The other issue with this piece is that it's not clear on the timeline when some events happen. To me, it seems as if the five year old is smoking cigarettes, but if I ignore that and say the speaker is older, I have no idea when the narrator gets the puppy. Just make the times at which these things happen clearer. That is the main confusion.

My favorite lines are these:
Three lingering trails
of pluming cancer streaking the skies, three dull glows

shrunk to a sullen dribble of ashes in a grimy glass,


The thing you have to work on most is clarity. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope that this review was helpful. Happy poeting!






Thanks for the inputs! I can totally see how I might be wordy at times, especially in poetry, where I sometimes try to cram as much as I can into the lines. I'll definitely improve on that.

As for the timeline thingy, I was going for a more abstract measurement. So instead of saying ten years later, I measured that in the amounts of cigarette/alcohol consumed. I saw this in Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle and really liked the idea. I'll look into making that more clear.



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Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:10 am
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dogs wrote a review...



Hello there life! Dogs here with your review today :). Alrighty, interesting beginning connecting it to Lincoln's speech "four score and seven years ago..." although, I'm not sure that the reference you use there has any relevance in your poem. Unless I'm greatly mistaken though, correct me if I'm wrong. I am not entirely educated and up to date with Lincoln's speeches.

I think the poem itself was cute, jumps around a little bit though... but you do a great job with the narrative style of writing. I was extremely confused as to why you decided to place new stanzas at such weird points. I really don't like how you created a new stanza in the middle of a sentence, it threw off your rhythm and was a little odd to read. That being said, I think you should edit this piece so that there are perhaps three lines in each stanza to make the flow easier to read.

You have some great imagery, my favorite line is certainly: "My fourth cigarette a smouldering memory." That's a really lovely line, great imagery and a good use of words. Although, really my only other complaint is that you never really make it clear when you lose your cast "if at all" and what does your character being placed in a cast and drinking beer/ smoking cigarettes mean? What's the point you're trying to make with this piece.

All and all good writing and a lovely piece for a first narrative. I enjoyed reading this and I hope to look at more writing in the future. Your rhythm is usually the strongest aspect of your writing, but the stanzas in the odd places really mess up that usual excellent flow you have. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032






Thanks for the review! Oh, I've never even heard Lincholn's speech, so no great intertextuality there. The idea of the short stanzas was to make it choppier, like fragments of memory - I'll see if it's perhaps clearer with three lines. The idea of the poem was mainly growing up and the feelings and pangs of remembrance that go together with it.

I'll see to the bettering of the flow.




Moo.
— Cow