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Hi there, TheStormAroundMe! Niteowl here to review this poem.
This poem seems to be about finding confidence in the face of rejection by another person. In the first stanza, the speaker is directly addressing the person who rejected them, basically saying "I dare you to try to tear me apart". The second stanza expresses contradictory messages of self-esteem, suggesting they have good fashion sense and full lips, but not singing implies that they have lost their voice.
In the third stanza, I'm honestly confused as to what's going on. What's billowing? Who is trying to catch who's hair? Who is this "their" and why do we suddenly have other people in what seemed to be a "you and I" poem? I would think about how to make this more clear.
The final stanza is trying to pack a punch, showing that the speaker doesn't care what this other person thinks of them. It's not bad, but I feel like something is missing that would add clarity. For example, "You now give me your stamp..." would make it clear who is doing what when. Or maybe "I never got your stamp..." if you mean to say this other person is still rejecting them. Again, I think adding a few extra words would make this more clear.
Overall, this is interesting and has the potential to be powerful, but the last two stanzas are confusing. Keep writing!
Heya, TheStormAroundMe! Casanova here to do a review for you. I'll be reviewing this stanza by stanza, and I hope you don't mind. To the review!
I have to say, when I read the title, I was expecting some teen angst poem(which I've seen a thousand times) but this was actually a good start. I love how you're using something like Math and using it with memories. That was a refreshing bit, so props for that. Anyway, onward.
Here I find you might want to use punctuation to have a better flow. Overall these aren't bad lines, but I would suggest expanding on a couple of the images. Especially the,"draped material." When I think of drapes I think of curtains, but I doubt someone would be wearing them. So I'd like to know exactly what you mean by that- I'm at a loss. Anyway, onward.
This is just something that bugged me- sails don't have waves. I think you might have meant ocean waves? Or when the sail of a ship billows in the wind- but is that called a wave.. Hm, anyway. I think you should cut the second,"every breath." Repetition is good in some parts, but I think it's kind of useless here.
The next thing would be the line,"hope to catch." I would suggest adding narration to these lines, something like," I hope to catch/a strand of hair/between their outstretched fingers." Anyway, onward.
Okay, these lines have confused me. What stamp of approval? That's my main question with this.
Anyway, all in all you have a decent poem idea that could use a bit of work.
That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
hey, TheStormAroundMe,(cool name)
I guess you are a math -a-maniac! The first four lines were astounding !This was again a free verse poem I have read on this site. You are a poet with deep thoughts and good knowledge about figures of speech. You expressed yourself and your style of writing in the next two paragraphs. You have a good sense of language and how to manipulate it.
But the last three lines were not within the reach of my mind-
'stamp of approval(which approval?)
but I never cared much (about what?)
for labels(???)
The thing is that it didn't fit with the rest of the poem. I read it four to five times and didn't get it. You are gonna explain these to me .
Well, I liked it and loved it a little.