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In Sickness and in Health

by TheStormAroundMe



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 3:08 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there TheStormAroundMe. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

First Thoughts
1. I don't particularly read or review poetry that often but your title drew me in, so obviously I had to check it. My main wonder coming into this was how you were going to manage the two subjects, even though they are really connected. The thoughts of the one person in the union add a nice twist to it but the sarcasm is a bit bitter, even for the situation. The bitterness of it leads me to believe it was like a very bad (maybe abusive?) relationship between the two people. That's just the vibe I get off of it but if you could point me in the right direction, that would be great.

2. The italics are set up a bit funky to me because your selection doesn't follow much of a pattern. I would think for the emphasis you wanted off of the italicized words, you would put one in that format in every one of the spaced out lines. Maybe that's just me but it seemed like each of those statements had a word with emphasis and it would be best to highlight it. Could you once again clear some things up for me here?

A Bit More On Point 2
1. The other reviewer has covered most of what I wanted to say but I did want to explain myself better on the italics thing. Take for instance the line in the quote below:

(shoot up on happiness)

~To me, the point/word of emphasis here is happiness and maybe italics would make the line more meaningful. I'm also in a little cloud of confusion over the parenthesis on some lines but on others you leave them out. Because (I think) they are all thoughts of the speaker but the formatting on each one is a bit different. I don't know if this was purposeful, to say that their thoughts are all mixed up currently or you just like the way it looked. The inconsistency in the lines gives me so many questions to ask but I don't know if there's any answer.
~I got a bit off topic there but the main reason I think 'happiness' is the base, is that in my mind it sounds the most sarcastic. The speaker is getting really frustrated at this point and to me, this would be the point when they were most sarcastic and mad about something. Perhaps that makes sense and maybe it doesn't. PM me if it doesn't make one bit of sense and I'll try to explain myself better.

Good-Bye
1. Alright, I'm going to roll down because I've said all I have to say. Hopefully something somewhere in all that text is something you'll find useful.
Good luck and good day.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




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Tue Jan 31, 2017 12:38 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, TheStormAroundMe! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this is definitely an interesting theme. It's interesting how the speaker's tone shifts from missing the dead person to a more vicious/sarcastic tone in the last stanza. It makes me wonder if the speaker actually cares about or misses the dead person, and their own emotions are unclear. The use of "we" as opposed to "I" contributes to this feeling.

I feel left with a lot of questions. What does the speaker feel about this person? What was their relationship? Did the speaker contribute to their death? There's definitely a lot of room for expansion, or at least some clearer hints about these questions.

Some nitpicks:

I love the line "to bless the union...of your body and the abyss". However, the last line of that stanza is over-indented and it looks strange.

(or maybe just drown)

hand you to the ground


This rhyming seems unintentional since the rest of the poem is free verse. I'm not even sure you need the first line here. Like it seems to be alluding to "drowning in happiness" but you just said something similar in the previous line.

Overall, I like the concept of this piece, but it feels a bit vague and I don't quite understand the source of the speaker's emotions. Keep writing! :)





I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney