Young Writers Society

Hi! Here for a quick review:

I love the contrast you set up from the simple times of high school and the transition to the dark and twisty times of adulthood. And I love the specific references to high school math and physics--those were the days. I like the glum ending but I think it could be stronger with more of your earlier images and references. Write on!

Not gonna lie, I clicked on this 100% because of My Chemical Romance and my grungey pre-teen years. As long as I'm here I'm gonna go ahead and give this a quick review.

You have an interesting sentiment and I'm interested in seeing a more complex iteration of this piece. The most interesting point is "bloodstains against the car bumpers." That hits hard. That's one of the only points that gives me any real emotional reaction. It's the classic rule of writing: show, don't tell. (This sounds really harsh and I'm not sure how to tone it down but) I'm not really interested in hearing a collection of pulled-together musings. I don't want you to set up a series of statements and then explain them to me at the end.

That said, I know my opinion isn't universal and there are definitely people who write that way. Sonnets come to mind--I'm not a huge fan of the form, largely because of the often-explanatory couplet, but there are plenty of people out there who absolutely adore sonnets and really want that explanation, that little poetic TL;DR. It's just not my thing.

Moving on: I'd like to address some flow issues. I'm not super into your intro. It didn't grab my attention really and I feel like the experience being described isn't universal enough to be a good opener. (Of course you'll never get something everyone's experienced and I would say to shoot for that, but I and the majority of people I know have actually become more well-adjusted and have a better understanding of the world than we did when we were younger. It's the natural course of things, I think: past about sixteen or seventeen, things really start to change in your outlook, or at least they have for pretty much everyone I know.) Long story short: I think there are better ways you could've grabbed attention and I'd recommend revisiting.

The second stanza reads awkward and not very deliberate. In fact, I'd recommend revisiting the entire poem and giving it some Hemingway-style tough love: cut out every singly unnecessary word. Rework sentences to make this work. Exactness is important. Poetry doesn't necessarily leave room for wordiness or dead weight. (Ouch. Sorry, I can't think of a less blunt phrase.)

I'm interested in the images and parallels here and I want you to flesh them out. What does the couple make you think of now? (Of course I can infer this, but I'd like to see the passage reworked so it's a little less on the nose!) Why are the bumpers bloodstained? The juxtaposition of these images is interesting and makes me curious; I want to know more and I want to see/smell/hear/taste/feel it.

Finally, I think the conclusion is also a little obvious. I think your best bet there is to cut that idea up and intersperse it with the rest of the poem. Use imagery to flesh out the ideas directly beside each other for more dramatic emphasis, vary your types of imagery, look at incorporating various other literary devices to give this more depth.

Overall--interesting ideas.

Thank you for posting, and let me know if you revise & repost. I'd definitely be interested in revisiting.

-Ry

Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

When i read it, i thought the title was befitting of the stanzas, even if it's from a My Chemical Romance song. the message was deep and the emotional overtone was over the top. the symbolisms were well put and the metaphors were ingenious.

In the second stanza, you emphasize that your longing for the past is so strong that you want your relationship to go back to the time when life was simple and people believed that love was magical and spiritual. referencing the three modern scientific concepts was brilliantly done. also, the part about "Kissing beneath the stoplight" reminded me of Pretty in Pink, at the end when the popular kid kisses Molly Ringwald.

the fourth stanza got pretty dark. mentioning bloodstains and tire bumpers show that something tragic had happened and you just want everything to go back to the way things were. not every story has a happy ending, but it's the tragedies in our life that makes us stronger and more resilient. lastly, you're right, math and science could never explain the pain we feel until it's too late.

I love this poem and i wish you keep writing. I hope whatever you're going through will get better and want to tell you that there is a silver lining for everything.

Howdy, Storm!

I'm really bad at reviewing poetry, but I thought I'd stop by for a quick comment anyway! You might want to check out the Will Review For Food thread for someone who's actually competent. d:

The third stanza felt too choppy to me. You might want to lengthen the lines/bring them together. The whole poem has a rapid, choppy feel to it, and I think that's part of the voice you want to convey. It especially works well with the car and the intersection stanza; in the third, however, I think it would be more melodic with longer lines because the topic is dreamy and pleasant. It was also serve to contrast more sharply against the next stanza, which would work well because there's a big shift in tone from the lovers under the streetlight to the blood on the bumpers.

Anyway, that's the only critique I've got. I think this poem is about mourning the good ol' days when the biggest "problems" you had were how to find x or how to calculate how fast a tennis ball falls. These are "beautiful" moments because you were innocent, naive, and unaware of what real struggle is like, and you were able to solve each problem with a simple equation. Now, as you struggle with lost love and sadness, you wish you could go back and time and appreciate those problems again with a fresh view on what it really means to struggle.

Awesome poem! Keep up the good work, and don't take my advice too seriously. Consult an expert

Hey, TheStormAroundMe! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review

Firstly, Wow! This is a great poem, I loved how real and relatable it was. The way you wrote was so captivating. There was no need for elegant and exaggerated words or styles, you wrote with such a welcoming perspective and it made this easy to read. The flow was amazing! From what I could tell, there were no faults regarding that area.

I did, however, find a slight issue. I may be wrong though, but I just felt like it didn't work. You wrote:

I want to go back
to the beautiful moments
before teenager
or adult.

This is a very pretty poem (though it is on the darker end I will still call it pretty). I really enjoyed it and I can't really find any critiques because there are none! It was written very well and I love the message, that everything makes sense at one point, and everything had an explanation, and then when sadness rolls in nothing does (I hope that was right.) The only small critique I have is that in the end it got a little confusing with the phrasing, but overall it was fantastic.