Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Sometimes people don’t call back--
No, no!
The fuck am I supposed to do with this baby?
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139,878 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Well not much to write here for this poem but I will do the best I can. I will go sentence by sentence. First "'Sometimes people don't call back--"'. At first I was a little confused because I didn't know what you were talking about but after a while I finally I got it.
The second story I will not repeat because I will get in trouble but I don't get this at all because I don't think what you are talking about because out of nowhere you mention a BABY, a BABY, so I didn't know what you were talking about because there was nothing to do because you didn't have anything after it so I was getting confused.
The third sentence which isn't one but you says "'No, no!"' I think this is where you mention the baby because before you stated you didn't know what to do to it so I think that is where you would put that.
Finally I like the last sentence when you stated the first sentence and put it at the end so I like how you did that.
You need to keep writing poems and getting better. Keep writing and good job.
Heya, TheStormAroundMe! This is Casanova here for a review!
Anyway, to start off with the review I'd like to say I really understand what you're getting at it this poem. Not finishing something you started, not getting closure, not getting that final goodbye can really stink, and I think we can all agree with that. Anyway, onward.
You give us the bare details. No imagery, no imagination at all. It's you, handing us the details, and telling us exactly what's going on. This can be good in music, but I don't like it in poetry. I've done it myself a few times, and it never ends up well.
The next thing- you have four lines and one of them is repetition. I'd consider changing that.
Now, from what I can gather about this, this poem is about having sex with someone, getting pregnant, and them not calling back. Am I right? Anyway, on to my point. Yes, it's all well and good that you told us this. But where's anything more? Where's the pain, where's the hurt, where's what we're supposed to feel? Right now we just feel as if we were told someone was pregnant, but this is obviously more than that, and I'd like to hear about it. Add something about how you were left, or about the baby growing [/i] without [/i] your partner, or anything like that. I mean, not only the pain you feel but the pain the child would feel as well. I really think this would make an interesting piece, if you executed it like it should be, instead of writing it like dialogue in a book/short story/novella chapter. Let's take a look at it-
This is a bland telling of getting knocked up and left. If it wasn't for the title, I might not even know.
This would be a good time of putting your emotions into it, or imagery at least, to give us something more.
[/quote] The fuck am I supposed to do with this baby? [/quote]
Good! A little bit of emotion. Now, how hard is it raising the baby? Are you going to keep it? Are you going to hunt down the father? What? We need something more
No, no!
Um, what are you saying no about? Yeah, I know you don't want to be in this situation, but we don't say,"no," randomly, even in angry situations.
Sometimes they don't call back.
Then there's the repetition, which makes it even more bland. Practically three lines, barely anything.
I hope this helped!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
I'll admit, the first thing I thought of when I read this was that it sounded like something a character from my novel would say, which I think is a compliment and insult simultaneously. You give us minimal detail or material, but the jab is clear: sometimes you don't get closure and it sucks.
My major qualm with the piece lies within the structure because I think the repeated "Sometimes they don't call back" detracts--and that's right, I think this poem should and could be three lines, successfully. While it may seem more satirical at first because of the phrasing, the poem reads:
Of course, the weaker version works as well, but in both realms you take and lose matters of potency and flow and a hodgepodge of poetic elements that are delicately balanced in the tiny space. The wording is strong and the space is well-managed. There's not much to dislike here, honestly, though I'm curious if it would be taken seriously as a standalone poem for publishing.
I hope this all helps,
Lumi