I had this friend in the hospital,
though I never learned his name,
who would sit with me at the plastic tables
and work on jigsaw puzzles.
*
I was completely naïve
thought the only point of working
was to put the pieces in the right places
to achieve the picture
on the box.
*
But he put sky
where the sea belonged
Clouds
where there should be grasses
Bushes
where there should be water
His version
Was a lot more beautiful
Than mine.
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Hi there, TheStormAroundMe! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem.
Overall, I think you have a strong and clear message with some good imagery.
This is okay, but I think it could be reworded to fit the themes of conformity and imagination more. I would say something like "To match the picture on the box".
In addition, you said you were clueless about punctuation, so I'll ramble about that for a bit. There's a lot of different ways one can punctuate poetry. Aley wrote an awesome article on the different ways people commonly punctuate here: Punctuation in Poetry. In most cases, I use and recommend Sentence Punctuation (matching conventional grammar) because it's easiest to read. It seems like you're doing this at the beginning, but then I don't see a period after "jigsaw puzzles", which is where your first sentence seems to end.
I think sentence punctuation would work well with this piece, but if you want to experiment with different styles, that's fine. However, right now I feel like there's a lot of punctuation missing, especially in the beginning. There's a strong case to be made here for transitioning from a more conventional style of punctuation to little or no punctuation as you describe the unconventional puzzle. If you want more specific help with this, let me know!
Overall, I like the theme and message of the poem. Keep writing!
Hi! I really enjoyed this story. I love the themes of creativity and difference. You also greatly employ the idea of inspiration, which is one of my favorite subjects! Great job!
I am not very versed in poetry, but all of the formatting looked good to me! There were a few questionable word choices, though. I would change the word "grasses" to "grass" because it seems a little bit unnatural. I would also brainstorm different words for “bushes,” as it doesn’t seem complementary to water. I understand the meaning behind “the plastic tables,” but I think that it may be better to change it to something like “the glass tables” because it sounds more realistic. I think the poem would also flow well if you added an “and” before the word “thought.”
Those are really my only critiques! I loved reading this poem as I was able to contemplate its deeper meaning. Keep writing! You’re really amazing. Great job!! I’m excited to see what else you’ll create!
Hello,
This is beautiful and thought provoking. I love it. Your flow, word choice and theme are done and executed wonderfully. The way you set it up allows for certain things to be emphases but still allows other things to be viewed as well. The only suggestion I would make would be to move your second to last line out like you did with your 10th, 12th, and 14th line. This would allow to emphases this line just like it did the others and this line is probably one of your most important lines throughout this poem. I hope this helped!
Happy Writing.
-M.