He is disenchanted with lovers
who toil over their professions of
“adoration”
and give masquerade smiles,
only for him to wake up one morning
to find the “I love you” dangling upon his lips
dropping to an empty bedspread.
And he doesn’t write poetry anymore.
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139,878 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review.
first off, wow! this was really deep. this reminds of an Oscar Wilde love poem, or Dorian Gray.
the emotional appeal was well executed and the symbolisms were very influential. the title does not fit in this poem and should be changed to something else. the stanzas were well spaced, but should have more commas to space them out.
anyway, that's all i have to say. i hope to read more of your work in the future. goodbye.
Thank you for reading! I was clueless to what the title should be, so the one there now is just a filler.
Well, first off, the whole poem is wonderful. I love the brevity, the message you managed to put in, the imagery of masquerade smiles (an original way to use masquerade) and words dangling from his lips to an empty bedspread, and the last line was perfect.
I do think that using "toil over" is a sort of odd phrasing, and gives a confusing image. If you want to give the impression that the lovers profess their love all the time and meaninglessly, saying something like "who spout/declare/flaunt/proclaim their professions of adoration" might work. Some other words that fit there (but with different connotations) are "extend/strive for/maintain/offer."
I thought that maybe "I love you" doesn't need "the" in front of it, but this might be a stylistic choice on your part to emphasize how important those words are.
Also, you could change "dropping" to "to drop" to make it a little clearer what exactly is dropping and that it drops AFTER it dangles.
Also, I have to agree with another reviewer. I don't think titles are that important, but I paused for a bit on yours because it was sort of strange. It doesn't really mean much (at least, to me) although it is fun to say. A lot of times titles are a phrase or an image from the poem, if you want to try that.
These are small suggestions, and your poem would definitely be wonderful without them. I think I'm going to look at some of your other works though, since this one was so pretty.
Thank you for reading!
TheStormAroundMe,
I am not a fan of that title. I understand a play of those "in" sounds over and over and how that can be fun and tempting! But for me at least it has the effect of yellow colored font. Loud and gimmicky. Take a grain of salt with what I say, and perhaps consult with a second reviewer though, because I say that entirely as my opinion!
I really like the line of your "I love you" dangling, and falling onto empty bedspread. I also love how the end line and how it is delivered as though an understatement which works really well with this poem by saying so much— his expectations, his heartache, his feelings— without revealing too much and so keeping with the demure nature of the poem.
~ as always, Audy
Thank you for reading! I couldn't think of a title, so this one was kind of a placeholder... I'll try to fix it ASAP.