Breathe in
Let their careless words engulf you
Let their hatred drown you
Breathe it in.
Breathe out
Hear the chorus sing
“Why are you so negative”
“Why to me”
Breathe in
Your classmates are miserable
But you can’t alleviate the pain you feel with them
So you breathe it in
Breathe out
Their words are venom now
“Why do you treat me like this?”
“After everything I’ve done for you!?”
Breathe in
Your lungs hurt
The pain of your peers
The pain of your own
The venom
Hold your breath
Suffocate on the pain
They don’t want it in the air
Spoiling the acid they spit
Forcing them to feel it
Hold it in
Watch the stars in your vision
See how they sparkle
Now there’s only black
And you’re breathing again
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139,372 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Breathe in
Let their careless words engulf you
Let their hatred drown you
Breathe it in.
Breathe out
Hear the chorus sing
“Why are you so negative”
“Why to me”
Sometimes, it just seems easier to give into the words that people say instead of trying to shield ourselves from it.
Breathe in
Your classmates are miserable
But you can’t alleviate the pain you feel with them
So you breathe it in
Breathe out
Their words are venom now
“Why do you treat me like this?”
“After everything I’ve done for you!?”
Their classmates were hurting and they tried to help them, but their classmates only ever took their anger out on the main character.
Breathe in
Your lungs hurt
The pain of your peers
The pain of your own
The venom
Hold your breath
Suffocate on the pain
They don’t want it in the air
Spoiling the acid they spit
Forcing them to feel it
Hold it in
The classmates don't want to face what they've done. They only continue to bully the main character in hopes that they will feel better about themselves.
Watch the stars in your vision
See how they sparkle
Now there’s only black
And you’re breathing again
The main character finally stops caring about what their classmates think of them. They know that their classmates are in the wrong and one day their classmates will look back and be ashamed at what they've done.
Thanks for the review!
I much prefer this poem to the other one, it may be the more concrete narrative implied.
You've got some great imagery that is tied to emotional language that is continuous throughout the poem.
I believe both stanzas with quotations were ambiguous:
mostly unclear who is saying the words, if those are the "venom words" or the internal dialogue - I think if they're the speaker's thoughts, there's no need for them to be in quote marks.
And then this stanza didn't seem to say very much new:
perhaps you could be a bit more concrete in there, like giving an example of the pain.
Other than that, I really felt the images you used were really nicely layered - you stick to the theme straight through the whole poem to create a feeling of dark revelation, like the speaker is trying to get past all these things that are weighing them down.
The breathing repetition that carried on throughout the poem was also nice, because it created almost a repeating drum beat or chorus for the reader to continue to be centered with the speaker - one could almost see the poem developing as a lyrical song in those parts.
I really like the last two stanzas in here the best, they're quite well done, and like I said earlier you picked images that are also rich with emotion.
Nice work here! Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
- alliyah
Hey there, @TheMulticoloredCyr! I'm here to review your work.
One of the things that I really love about this poem is the imagery that you use throughout. The references to venom, acid and pain added a darker tone to the poem - something that fits the poem's description. I also love how the situation progressed throughout the poem. It didn't feel rushed, and the frequent reminders to breath in and breath out also helped to keep the pace at just the right speed.
The only critique I have for this poem is the clarity. You do a great job describing what to do throughout it - when to breath in, when to breath out, and when to hold. The only problem is that it isn't outright clear why the "you" of the poem needs to do that. From the description and the references to the classmates, it's clear that there's some kind of problem in school. But the reader never knows what that problem is, so the poem doesn't reach it's full potential.
I really did enjoy reading this poem, even if it took me a reread or two to get the entire picture! I think the best way for me to end it is to quote my favorite stanza:
Happy #RevMo !
Thanks for the review!
Hiya! I’m here with a review. To start, I really like this poem and I haven’t read anything quite the same as this before. I like the uniqueness to its structure. One thing I would say is to add punctuation. Ofc that isn’t a big thing, but it would help with the flow a bit.
I liked how this poem didn’t rhyme and still flowed for the most part nicely. The ending wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t terrible either. I would say to go look back at it and maybe change it. Other than that, I really have no more critique.
Though I think you should have named this poem “Breathe.” It would have been more eye catching.
Anyways you’ve got something real solid here and I can’t wait to see what else you can come up with. You are really good at writing poems so please continue. As always, keep writing.
-Daria
Hello demoncat here to review this splendid poem.
I was so pulled into this poem that when you said stop breathing I'm like, oh no... Did the character just die? Then it turns out they just like reset themselves and I'm sitting here like "oh thank goodness." That's how good this is. It had me on the edge of my seat with emotion. And that is wonderful! I really loved this. There is so much feeling and you spaced it so well! Please, oh please continue writing poems like this. You do the writing I'll do the reading! Please. I love it. It's awesome! You should write more.
Hi, I saw this and decided to review it.
I really do like the whole idea behind this and I don't have anything against it being honest. Just everything about it, I really do like the repetition aswell because I think it gives it a extra unique feeling. This is probably one of my favourite pieces of poetry that I've seen on this site.
Good job
Hey,
I came to review some poems and came across this one.
Honestly It really hit somewhere with me and I could relate. It's just the way its written is amazing and I'm just at a loss for words. I'm sure theres grammar mistakes but its such a great poem that I just read over them. It's so beutiful and so beutifuly written it's one of the best poems I have ever read and the best poem I have read on here so far. Please never stop writting poetry you have an art and a special way with words that just captures the readers attention. Thankyou so much for writing and I really hope to read more from you. This poem was just what I needed.
Thanks! I'm glad that this meant something to you. My meaning tends to get muddled in metaphors, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time. Or maybe it did, but hey, any meaning at all is more than I usually get.