The spotlight stings my eyes,
and I stand still in a trance.
Suddenly the music plays;
So I begin to dance.
-
The steps flow through my feet
like rapid water in a stream.
I do not think on how I dance;
my mind floats in a dream.
-
Diddle-de-dum, diddle-de-dum,
my eyes stare, but they don't see.
I am one with music,
and music's one with me.
-
The last beats die down to naught,
the echoes fade away.
The next competitor walks on stage,
and music starts to play.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Since you wrote it, I guess you are the best judge but I think that this
"I am one with music,
and music's one with me."
should be
"I am one with the music,
and the music's one with me."
Also in this one
"and music starts to play."
I think "begins" will sound better than "starts"
Lastly in this
"The spotlight stings my eyes,
and I stand still in a trance."
I think "as I stand still in a trance" provides a better flow..
But a good piece of poetry nonetheless!
Bonjour! (Is saying hello necessary anymore????) I'm back (again) to review for you, my third star, and the blue team! GOOOOOO BLUE!!! Here we gooooo!
Cons:
1. Diddle-de-dum, diddle-de-dum. I really didn't like that part because it was....Drummer Boyish. I read that and immediately thought, Pa-rump-a-pum-pum! Ehhhh, no. That song gets on my nerves soooooooooo much! That might be an opinion thing, but also it seemed a bit unnecessary...
Pros:
1. Rhyming was nice. Really nice.
2. Spelling and grammar were excellent as usual.
3. IMAGERY!!!! LOVED IT!!!
Favorite part was.......*drumroll*
The last beats die down to naught,
the echoes fade away.
The next competitor walks on stage,
and music starts to play.
Again, third line perhaps a bit too many syllables. Other than that, great! Loved this poem soooooooo much! The idea behind it was unique, and you portrayed it nicely! Keep writing and keep smiling as I torture you with more reviews! :3
-Sis
Thanks! I am grateful for my lack stage fright! (Safe in the knowledge everyone wants to watch me (hehehe))
Also everyone has a hole in their sock.
...What?
Sorry, Winston Churchill reference. To prevent stage fright he imagined everyone in the audience had a hole in their sock.
This is a beautiful free verse poem. I love that, as the subject matter is music, the poem itself has a good beat and flows well, complimenting it.
"The steps flow through my feet
like rapid water in a stream,
I do not think on how I dance;"
Great lines! I love your alliteration of water and music. It definitely gives it that flowing sense of euphoria. You have some beautifully descriptive language, but it's subtle and not overbearing, so it doesn't weigh on the mind and make one stop to ponder. As poems go, this one is very good!
Thank you TakeThatYouFiend!
Thank you!
Hi person! I'll get criticism over with first:
I think removing "the" would make it flow better.
I love this line, but maybe it would flow better with a word in that blank - "they", for example.
Consider changing the words in red to "Suddenly the..." - this part sounded choppy to me.
~
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem. It has a sturdy rhythm to it, like a heartbeat. Almost like a chant. I especially like the last line and the third stanza.
This is, I think, a perfect description of the feeling one gets when performing on stage.
Unless you have stage fright, that is.
I hope you find my review helpful.
Thanks! I will edit as soon as possible.
Any better?
Yep!
Yep!
Hey there, Clarity here to review for you!
I like the simplicity of this poem. You've done a good job at keeping everything nice and clear, with that undertone that makes you truly appreciate a poem. Well done.
This has a sort of lyrical tone to it, if I read it aloud. It's a good way to open the poem because it flows in good order and leads on to the next stanza. Now, if you don't want it to appear lyrical, then I reckon if you put a comma after "So" in your fourth line, it'll change the tone of that stanza; it does for me, anyway.
The second stanza also appears lyrical... which helps again because it flows on from the previous stanza. The only thing I found that was a little off was the punctuation choice for the second and third lines. The comma and the semi-colon could be swapped around, which would fix it. Or, you could just change the comma to a full stop of semi-colon. The semi-colon on the third line could be left there, if you want. But the comma doesn't work.
I really like the last three lines of this stanza, but the "Diddle-de-dum, diddle-de-dum" kind of threw me off the rhythm. I see no connection between the first line and the rest of the stanza, is there even a connection? I fail to see it's significance, if there is any. Nevertheless, it's a good stanza, the first line was just a little strange compared to the rest of the stanza, and poem.
You draw the poem together lovely with the last stanza. I liked it!
Overall, the only thing I didn't like was the first line in the third stanza. I really enjoyed the rest of it.
Well done and keep writing!
Happy YWSing,
-Clarity
In explanation of the first line of the third verse, they were the beats for the step I was doing. Thanks, I will make punctuation changes shortly, but I do like it's lyricfulness.
Oh! I see now!
That ok?
Yeah!