At last,
I turn out the lights,
my skin is too tight
and I feel like my skull is splitting,
crunching,
grinding.
Too hot,
I must have fresh air.
too cold,
I lie; a shivering wreck
in the moonlight
that streams through my window.
Help!
I must.
I know not what.
I can't.
I know that I must,
but I can't.
I'm drowning
I'm drowning,
no breath in my lungs,
no air.
The sound of the sea and the sand in my hair.
I must but I can't,
there's things in my way,
my feeling
revealing,
preventing,
send it away.
Heat,
amingled with sweat,
a wriggling landslide
to the death
that is waiting
beyond
the side.
I know I can't last for long,
I can't grow stronger,
I can't say how but I feel that I may
softly and slowly be swallowed away.
-
-
-
-
Notes;
Should you be still in the dark, this is a symbolation (hooray new word!) of my feelings during my "feverdreams", dreams had whilst feverish. I know some parts don't make sense, that's on purpose. The last paragraph features someone falling out off bed.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hello again! I'm gonna have to follow you, so if I forget, simply post on my wall or PM me to remind me! So, I'm back once again to review for you, but this time, I'm going to do it in my usual review day style with a list of pros and cons. So, without further ado, here we go! (GO BLUE!!!)
Cons:
1. People have told me this before, so I think I'm going to point it out. Even though it might be your style, although I'm not sure, the lines are really short and abrupt in this poem. For instance, when you say:
I must.
I know not what.
I can't.
You have three lines in a row with four word max that all end in periods. I haven't read enough of your writing to determine whether this is your style, as it is mine, but I just wanted to point that out.
2. This kinda goes along with number one, but you have a longer line, then a bunch of short lines, and then another long line, etc. For me, this messed up the flow.
Pros:
1. Even though it seemed a bit random, the randomness makes sense, especially when you mentioned the fever at the bottom. Nicely done. That's difficult to do!
2. If there were any, there were few typos! And nearly no spelling errors!
Overall, this was an exceptionally beautiful piece that was intriguing to read and fun to review! As always keep writing and keep smiling! XD See ya around the site! (And the reviews. Always in the reviews)
-Sis
Cons-1
This is mearly my style for this particular work.
2
The flow is rough, to reflect the nightmare feel, this my personal experience.
Thanks!
That makes sense, thanks!
Hey Fiendy! I've popped over for another review!
So I was attracted to the poem by the title which, I have to admit, really managed to catch my attention! I like the fragmented way you've written this poem since it manages to give an artistic effect to the overall idea behind this poem. Indeed, when one is in a lucid state of "Feverdreaming," it is true that not much makes sense and all our thoughts are broken and disconnected. You managed to connect this poem quite well, but not without showing us the rampant disconnections as well. And for that I congratulate you! Very nice work. There are a few places, though, where I feel you could make some improvement so the poem reads better.
For example:
I like how you portrayed the inner discomfort and vexation that fever brings, so all of creation seems to antagonize you. You explore both sides of the picture, and I liked that. However, you could improve the flow by tweaking the lines and playing with punctuation so this bit would read as:
To be honest, this part seems sort of broken down and meaningless:
What must you do? Why can't you do it? These aren't normally questions one would ask a feverish person, but since this is a poem and you are meant to convey certain ideas and images to the reader, I would suggest re-writing this bit so it is clearer and easier to understand.
Last but not the least, there's this part:
that could use some work. "Thing in my way," just sounds weird and it doesn't really ... fit. Maybe if you said: "there's this thing in my way"...?
That's it with the nitpicking. I hope you don't find this review heavily weighed with criticism, but I really did enjoy this poem and those few errors were just calling to me because I know that there is something brilliant hiding behind them! The idea was very original and beautifully presented. So keep it up, keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thanks! I will make sure I will edit as soon as possible!
By the way, the "I must/can't" bit was my personal experience of a sense of urgency with dreams. (insert favourite smiley here)
Okay so for the most part I love this, and I'm not even a big poetry person. Great word choice, nice pacing, and interesting structure. Certainly captures that half-awake/half-asleep, sick, confusing haze one feels while feverish. I especially love this line "Too hot,
I must have fresh air,
too cold,
lying, a shivering wreck
in the moonlight
that streams through my window."
So totally reminds me of a couple years ago, when I had fever dreams PLUS had just finished reading a Poe story for a Lit class. Talk about creepy!
Just a few nit-picky things. I agree with a previous reviewer that in the line, "no breath in my lungs, no air." breath and air should be switched to help it flow better and keep the rhythm of the piece.
"The sound of the sea and the sand in my hair." --Curious, what is this supposed to be?
Potentially break this line into two. "I must but I can't,
thing in my way,
my feeling
revealing,
preventing,
send it away."
Overall I enjoyed this! Way to turn being sick into a cool poem!
The sound of the sea etc. is a random element, the middle of the dream, inserted not to make sense. as for switching air and breath, this would destroy an existing rhyme)-:
Thanks for the feedback!
This is a great poem. Its very interesting and outstanding
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you have used appropriate words everywhere, so this sounds really nice.
i really like the way you went from one phase of the dream to another, covering all the aspects that would come under this
i especially loved this line, "a wriggling landslide to death that is waiting beyond the side"
first "too hot" then "too cold", because nothing really makes sense, which has been brought out in a brilliant way!!
Thanks! And welcome!
I like your tempo with the poem as a whole. That alone gave it a lot of imagery in itself. And you word choice and how you decided to flow into the next, I'll say phase, of the feelings was great. A great piece, keep it up. ^-^
Thanks!
Hi There TakeThatYouFeind,
My name is Graham and I'm going to be doing a quick review for you!
First I would like to start off by saying I really enjoyed this poem. You seem to have a rather abstract thinking process that I really like to see sine through in poetry. You did a really good job of describing the fever aspect, but there wasn't as much "dream" in it as I had originally expected -- which isn't a bad thing I just think you could expand on that aspect a bit more which could really throw in more abstract artistic flair. I also really like the part about falling out of bed -- once again you just had a different way of describing it that as a reader was very intriguing to me.
A few lines that stood out to me were
"no breath in my lungs,
no air." personally i think it would sound better is you swapped breath and air in these two lines making it something like "No air in my lungs / not one breath." but again that is me being really picky with diction.
Now my favorite line of all was "The sound of the sea and the sand in my hair." Now I'm not sure how you intended this line to come across but the way I interpreted it was your hair was hearing the sound, which would give it that "dream" aspect I was talking about earlier and is kind of personification in an odd way that I just really really like but i could alsobe totally wrong in my interpretation of it too!
In the end I really enjoyed reading this piece. So as always, Right on my friend, write on!
Cheers!
Graham
I always find reality and dream mix, thus one could see this as mostly wakening or sleeping. I won't swap the words you suggest because it would break a rhyme but I see what you mean.
I quite understan you poem bro,its better if i dont have a feverdream in my life.if i may stress the poem was too fast,i belive u needed it to be fast as re-presenting the 'fever guy' mind as his speaks,but still it added flavour to the poem.No body fell off the bed,if u wanted to make us see that,i belive it would be alot easier to show in a poem of such potentials.the beginnig confused me,"At last",why at last was he struggling before to off the lights,we never new,beacose you never mentioned such,yet you put "At last",its to me not neccessary."I tyrn out the light/My skin is too tight"seems like a forced rhyme ate the beginning of the sentence which is quite discouraging to the reader."too cold/Lying,a shivering wreck" who is lying.You?,of corse we know,but not until when i saw the "shivering wreck".well u were cool using the "shivering wreck" quiet creative. There wasnt the connecting words,and everything sounded as if cursed in an enjambment,only that it didn't even enjamb!."my feeling/reaveling/preventing" seems like a foeced but it isn't u were trying to tell us something which u nevr got through,quite understandable but easily unnesseccary.And on,goes few adjustable errors.Great work! Thumbs up!