guys like us,
we bask in the frost of
isolation
when the world is too t(ire)d
and your neighbors (re)side
with (in)sanity—
while you roam lofty and meager,
in search of rocks instead of sand
but come up dusty-handed,
and you begin to de(live)r the (sad)istic truth
with reckless abandon, because
you’ll be forlorn come morning.
and as mankind endeavors
(in)effectively in scorning us,
you take in a strangled breath…
because guys like us—like you
and me—are the l(one)liest kind
in the world.
-
note: written for a book report, in response to Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck. the prompt was “guys like us...are the loneliest guys in the world.”
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey!
So, I haven't read Of Mice and Men yet, I know I should, but you are going to have to excuse that as I review, because I may not understand the true meaning of this poem.
I really enjoyed this, however I don't like where you are going with the parentheses. And like Wrisky said, I don't feel as if the first one adds much. I understand the thought behind it, but I feel as if the execution of it isn't that good and doesn't do much for the poem.
Of course, I could be completely wrong and you have done a great job, but I would suggest maybe revising them a bit, some work well, like the last one and the idea about all men being lonely together. So, just work on it so they are all as affective.
The best part is the second half, it's almost as if at the start you are very careful and tread lightly, but after the first 2 stanzas you seem to pick up momentum.
Like, I said, I haven't read the book so, I can't offer you much.
But, you have done a great job.
Keep writing
Nargles xx
I only incorporated the idea of loneliness into the poem, so you're not missing much by not reading the book! (But you really should, it was fantastic) I was actually just experimenting with the parenthesis, so thank you for the constructive criticism! I'll work on it
*salutes*
Those parts in parentheses.
Okay, so one glance already shows me something I haven't seen before, so I already like that
I think that is way cool how you put "bask in the frost of isolation" because normally one would bask in a sunny warmth of some kind because that is a preferable thing to do rather than be forced to weather the blizzard storm
I'm not certain about the first parentheses, probably I just don't get it, I'm not sure what meaning "ire" has there.
I find that "neighbors reside with insanity" has a mocking, even spiteful tone (perhaps I'm wrong) but the parentheses have grand effect there
The third stanza is absolutely beautiful - such wonderful imagery and that lost-but-ever-searching feel. I really enjoy that dusty-handed instead of empty-handed that you could have chosen instead.
Next line "and you begin to de(live)r the (sad)istic truth" is my favorite line by far, I find it most potent, because of live and sad that you highlighted there.
this is just powerful really from top to bottom. If you were going for hopeless you hit the nail on the head. And I must say that (in)effectively, yes, though we'd like to be able to be unaffected by society's ridicule, there are things that it still lords over us, and we lay feeling helpless to overcome that. And it can drive us all to feel like outcasts.
Of Mice and Men is a little strange, but good
Have a nice day! This is wonderful poetry, make more and in abundance!
Are you trying to make me blush?
thanks a bunch!
This is a great piece of writing. I can really relate to it as I know what it feels like to be lonely. very nicely thought out and well written. This is once of the best poems on YWS. Keep up the good work. Can't wait for your next poem or piece of writing. Overall a very good poem with great description and a great story line.
Thanks a bunch and have a spectacular day
Wow this is certainly one of the better poems I've read in a long time. You're a really talented writer/poet and keep up the good work =)
Thank you a million times over
have a wonderful day!